The toxic​ concept of ‘Rukhsati’ with worst implications

Suppose you give a toy to your child to play with and say that the toy does not belong to him, instead to someone else who is going to pick it up after a few hours. What do you think the child will do. Evidently, he will play with that toy but with what kind of feelings? Will he be overjoyed at finding/borrowing a toy? Will he want to take that toy with him forever? Will he be a little bit careful while playing with that toy as it does not wholly belong to him? Will he name that toy with love and passion? Will he be happy at returning that toy to someone after playing with it for a few hours? Will his feelings be the same as if this toy would be his own? Naturally, he would not love that toy as much as he would if that toy entirely belongs to him. He would be more than happy; if his mom says,” you can have this toy as long as you like, it is yours.” Now, in this scenario, the feelings of the boy would be entirely changed. He would like to play with the toy with great passion, no fear, total care, and commitment. He will have no fear of losing it after some time. He might name this toy and make it his best friend ever. There are lots of possibilities of the great relationship with that toy.

Now, suppose that toy is also a human being. In that case, that person would feel the same emotions. In case of leaving the person, playing with him, he will feel dejected, fearful, sad, stressed and anxious. He might develop some personality disorders while staying in an unpredictable, non-consistent and uncertain environment. On the other hand, upon finding a true guardian permanently, he would become overjoyed, content, peaceful, happy, satisfied and balanced overall. His personality would grow and shine in future while living in a settled, harmonious and non-contradictory household.

The above example is only to show you the difference in girls emotions when they live with their parents with the background of leaving them permanently after marriage or with the background of living with them permanently irrespective of marital status going on. Mostly girls, in developed countries of the world carry no burden of leaving their parents at any stage of life. They marry and decide where to live as per their own choice. They don’t have to leave their parents – not at all. So they are more confident, more energetic, more enthusiastic and more lively in almost all spheres of life. The parents, on the other hand, groom them with unconditioned love, great care and affection with no fear of losing them at any stage of life. The bond is everlasting.

In our societies, where girls are no more free to choose where they want to live; they are usually raised up in their parent’s homes, and then they are sent to their grooms home to live forever. In such cases, one is always shaky, fearful and reluctant before making any decision/ taking any step towards education, career, or relationships. People behave as if they are waiting for the disaster of leaving their girls on marriage day and girls act as if they are ready to sacrifice their whole lives for the sake of parents honor and dignity through leaving their home forever. Ironically it is normal to think like that. However, in traumatic situations, where parents have only one girl to look after them, or the girl could not find a groom to live with, things become more complicated, stressful and traumatized. Stupidity, negligence, and ignorance make their lives worse than ever. They don’t understand that laws or traditions are for the benefit of the humanity rather than being destructive and toxic in nature.

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The Trauma of Marriage in the Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In our culture when a man starts earning to fulfill his own needs, he is eligible to search a girl to get married to start a comfortable life with her. Apparently he thinks he is getting married ; in other words he is looking for a girl from a decent family, educated to some extent, good looking with fair complexion, can cook for the whole family, can serve him from day till night, can obey him in every matter, leave her parental family forever, and bear his nature at any cost! He needs a lifelong servant in the name of a wife whom he could beat, curse, humiliate, degrade, dictate, abuse and divorce anytime with no obligation and guilt. Being entirely independent financially, economically, secure from each perspective, and influential in the conservative society of Pakistan, he could bring his dream girl home and treat her as per his own rules and principles.

The alternatively, girls seek no job at all in their young age and entirely depend on their future ‘Man’ whether he is worth considering or not. In other words, they seek a job;  a job in which one feels degraded, humiliated and abused on daily basis; a job in which you receive a bed to sleep, food to eat, and a set pattern of life to live according to someone else’s wishes and desires; a job in which you are supposed to do whatever your partner is asking for without any hesitation or reluctance; a job in which you are easily dismissed even after 50 years of work experience; a job in which there is no reason to say ‘no’ to carry out what your boss is asking for; a job with no set rules and principles; a job in which you can’t expect any thing from your boss in return; a job in which you are Not allowed to move without the permission of your boss; a job in which you are not allowed to take rest whenever you feel tired; a job in which no one considers you on job even; a job that pays ‘nothing’ and demands a full time work without any holiday; and a job that is known as ‘ house wife’ in the whole wide world. In addition to the facts described above, one can hardly think there is something wrong with it.

After marriage, girls totally depend on their husbands financially, emotionally, socially, physically and psychologically. So their needs can be easily threatened and manipulated by the one and only caretaker- The Husband. He becomes the master and slaves ask for help always.The happiness and safety of the slaves always remain in the hands of the master. And the master enjoys his superiority and masculinity through establishing various principles of traditions, honor, and values to manipulate things for his sake.

Should this be the way of life? Should women seek a proper job to feed them or a ‘man’ to rule over them in the name of protection and safety? Should the men marry any girl of their choice without having the consent of the girl? should women sacrifice their lives in the name of honor or traditions? Should men tell their daughters to face all abuses and stay in an abusive relationship at all cost? Should men not help women in the kitchen to maintain their superiority and masculinity? Should women allow their boys to learn some house chores to help their wives in future? SHOULD WE NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT THESE MATTERS EVEN IN THE MOST MODERN ERA OF THIS CENTURY

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When a girl is born in the UK, her parents welcome the child with flowers of love, care, and unconditional affection. Girl daughters feel very proud of being a daughter and start their life with great confidence and motivation. They are pleasantly taught about the rules of life in which they are expected to be educated as much as possible, to achieve a career to their satisfaction, and to live a happy life ever after. They are taught about the freedom they will enjoy in their life; they are taught about their rights ( right to move, right to dress-up, right to marry, right to re-marry, right to divorce, right to have kids’ custody, right to speak about their love and interests, right to save their life, right to leave a bad person’s company, right to live alone, right to speak for their rights, right to call police in time of danger, right to excel, right to live as per their wish). Girls are always their parent’s daughters like sons: no discrimination at all. Girls enjoy the same lifestyle as their brothers keep rather they are more valued and honored. Parents spend more on little girls and let them enjoy the games like judo, karate, gymnastic, swimming, boxing, and other skills even when they are 3 or 4 years old. Usually, girls show more energy and flexibility in these games! They are never given any message in which they would be fearful about their future husband, future home or future in-laws! They are never given any idea of ‘leaving home after marriage’, rather they can live forever with their parents if they would like. Girls are more protected in a sense they can live alone after they are grown up. They can choose their partner and get a divorce without having any ‘honor killing’ syndrome. They can very easily shut the door to their husband if he is harassing them or abusing them in any form.  They  are not mentally prepared for the house hold work in future ( for the husband and his family). They are not waiting for the prince to take them to his palace to protect them ( an imaginary theme). They are free to move anywhere in the world with peace of mind and happiness. They are free to choose any profession, any vehicle to travel, and any identity to own. They enjoy the support of their parents, culture, society and the government in each and every field of life. They are very much pampered and loved. 

    It does not mean there is no rape, no sexual or emotional abuse, no threat and no killing in this society. There are still some cases to report and to feel scared; however, they are not as much in quantity as much we ( in Pakistan) could note and publish. In each home of Pakistan, gender discrimination, gender differences, physical and emotional abuses, parental control ( negative )and female child neglect is very much prevalent. A female child starts her life with lots of mixed messages about her female role at home, in society and in her married life. She is supposed to adopt that role in her adult life irrespective of her education or career choices. She is very much forced to think in that particular way in which she is a female, a responsibility to parents, a subject of fear, a figure of special respect, a source of honor, a guest in her parents home, a person who will be living the life of her husband, a person who will leave her parental home for her husband’s home, a person who cannot live alone with respect and honor, a person who is less powerful than a man, a person who would always need a man to protect her, a person who is vulnerable to various traumas, a person who should be caring, loving and serving to others, a weak person and a weak decision maker. 

   

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Thus girls, even from educated and well-established families suffer a lot. They do not enjoy their life as they would if they were born in the UK ( or any other liberal society). They are very much oppressed and suppressed due to societal norms, traditions and customs. They even like those traditions and beliefs as the change would disturb their comfort zone. However, this is not what should continue as many of them are suffering a lot due to these discriminatory acts and thoughts,painful beliefs, cruel customs, horrible traditions, bizarre irregularities, injustices, emotional, physical and sexual abuses. Mostly women who suffer from such traumas in their childhood, are  very much vulnerable to anxieties, depression, and post traumatic stress disorders in their adulthood. So much so, suicidal thoughts are very common among such victims.

    Therefore, I request you ( if you are a parent) to please negate the beliefs that create any discrimination among your kids; ( if you are a girl) fight for your own rights or at least never accept any negative belief; (if you are a victim) speak about it on any forum you could and if you are in any capacity to protect someone you know- please go ahead and bring a change in society.

Thanks

courtesy to Google images