I prefer being a decision maker, financial supporter, independent, decisive, assertive and elegant over being a tolerant, obedient, selfless, passive, empathetic, compromising, hospitable, and relationship-oriented.
We the dolls of Pakistan;
Are born, but not welcome;
Are brought up; not pampered;
Are taught and trained; not educated;
Are made to serve and controlled often.
We the girls of Pakistan,
Learn to follow the rules quietly,
Beliefs that no more serve recently,
About honor, respect, and dignity,
About fate, responsibility, and duty.
We the women of Pakistan,
Fear of safety and security,
Even in our play lands,
Even in our homeland,
As if we’re in someone’s custody!
We the mothers of Pakistan,
Dream, dream, and dream,
Are not allowed to scream,
Though bear another life in between,
Being neither a princess nor a queen.
No worry, we ‘re the future of Pakistan,
No worry, for the flowers blossom,
After every traumatic autumn,
No worry, for the stars and moon,
Remain intact till the sun resumes.
Every body in this world loves to his or her family in his or her unique way. This looks very ridiculous when one defines love as the definition of love is perceived very differently by each of us. After all we all are human. Our perceptions are unique and valuable. However, when it is the true love, it does not matter how you are going to display it.
For example, one could buy a new care for his beloved one, the other could buy a ring, and someone could just buy a flower to express his intimate love. Even one can express his love by different ways in one’s life at different occasions. There is no ambiguity in this definition at all.
The second way of expressing love is through gestures, attitudes and behaviour. When one is caring, helping and behaving nicely to his beloved, it is the expression of love. There are ,no doubt, thousands of expressions to show love to your beloved ones. And many of us adopt a unique way to express their feelings of love to their beloved ones. We don’t find this information contradictory and confusing at all.
The third way is very strange and negative. Some people among us think they love someone when they :
Expect care from others,
Expect respect from others,
Force others to follow them,
Motivate others to imitate them,
Make others to obey them,
Help others to make them obliged,
Speak with them to give them company they need,
Even love them in charity,
Teach others the ways they like for them to adopt,
Try to influence others by their thoughts and beliefs,
Want to see others as per their own wish and desire,
And think they are superior to all whom they love the most.
In short they think they love their fellows, that is why they are supposed to guide them in the way they think is better for them. They never leave their beloved ones free to choose; rather they limit their options by hook or crook . They never care for others aspirations, dreams or skills; rather they expect total surrender to their wishes from them. These people think they are in love with their beloved ones and this is the true expression of their love for them. So much so, some of them cross the road of humanity and dignity in their perception of love and become perpetrators of sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. There is no excuse for them, as they don’t know the definition of love. This is absolutely a crime, an abuse and a selfish human act that should never be ignored. Please perceive the love of your beloved ones in these lines; otherwise the next victim of abuse could be you!
When a girl is born in the UK, her parents welcome the child with flowers of love, care, and unconditional affection. Girl daughters feel very proud of being a daughter and start their life with great confidence and motivation. They are pleasantly taught about the rules of life in which they are expected to be educated as much as possible, to achieve a career to their satisfaction, and to live a happy life ever after. They are taught about the freedom they will enjoy in their life; they are taught about their rights ( right to move, right to dress-up, right to marry, right to re-marry, right to divorce, right to have kids’ custody, right to speak about their love and interests, right to save their life, right to leave a bad person’s company, right to live alone, right to speak for their rights, right to call police in time of danger, right to excel, right to live as per their wish). Girls are always their parent’s daughters like sons: no discrimination at all. Girls enjoy the same lifestyle as their brothers keep rather they are more valued and honored. Parents spend more on little girls and let them enjoy the games like judo, karate, gymnastic, swimming, boxing, and other skills even when they are 3 or 4 years old. Usually, girls show more energy and flexibility in these games! They are never given any message in which they would be fearful about their future husband, future home or future in-laws! They are never given any idea of ‘leaving home after marriage’, rather they can live forever with their parents if they would like. Girls are more protected in a sense they can live alone after they are grown up. They can choose their partner and get a divorce without having any ‘honor killing’ syndrome. They can very easily shut the door to their husband if he is harassing them or abusing them in any form. They are not mentally prepared for the house hold work in future ( for the husband and his family). They are not waiting for the prince to take them to his palace to protect them ( an imaginary theme). They are free to move anywhere in the world with peace of mind and happiness. They are free to choose any profession, any vehicle to travel, and any identity to own. They enjoy the support of their parents, culture, society and the government in each and every field of life. They are very much pampered and loved.
It does not mean there is no rape, no sexual or emotional abuse, no threat and no killing in this society. There are still some cases to report and to feel scared; however, they are not as much in quantity as much we ( in Pakistan) could note and publish. In each home of Pakistan, gender discrimination, gender differences, physical and emotional abuses, parental control ( negative )and female child neglect is very much prevalent. A female child starts her life with lots of mixed messages about her female role at home, in society and in her married life. She is supposed to adopt that role in her adult life irrespective of her education or career choices. She is very much forced to think in that particular way in which she is a female, a responsibility to parents, a subject of fear, a figure of special respect, a source of honor, a guest in her parents home, a person who will be living the life of her husband, a person who will leave her parental home for her husband’s home, a person who cannot live alone with respect and honor, a person who is less powerful than a man, a person who would always need a man to protect her, a person who is vulnerable to various traumas, a person who should be caring, loving and serving to others, a weak person and a weak decision maker.
Thus girls, even from educated and well-established families suffer a lot. They do not enjoy their life as they would if they were born in the UK ( or any other liberal society). They are very much oppressed and suppressed due to societal norms, traditions and customs. They even like those traditions and beliefs as the change would disturb their comfort zone. However, this is not what should continue as many of them are suffering a lot due to these discriminatory acts and thoughts,painful beliefs, cruel customs, horrible traditions, bizarre irregularities, injustices, emotional, physical and sexual abuses. Mostly women who suffer from such traumas in their childhood, are very much vulnerable to anxieties, depression, and post traumatic stress disorders in their adulthood. So much so, suicidal thoughts are very common among such victims.
Therefore, I request you ( if you are a parent) to please negate the beliefs that create any discrimination among your kids; ( if you are a girl) fight for your own rights or at least never accept any negative belief; (if you are a victim) speak about it on any forum you could and if you are in any capacity to protect someone you know- please go ahead and bring a change in society.
courtesy to Google images
Almost every other child in Pakistan is being, physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally severely abused by her own family members. The data is usually not collected and news is never generated for ordinary people. Even if the news is being printed, the case is being registered; there is no output from police or courts.
courtesy to google images
When things change in the beginning, the whole story of life is changed. When you find the best quality seed, you are sure of a plant with beautiful eye-catching flowers. When you make the base strong and firm, you are sure of the reliability and grandeur of the building. On the opposite note, when your seeds are damaged, abused or rotten; how can they grow up a plant of healthy fruits or flowers? When your base is weak, faulty or below standard, how can you expect a reliable, durable and persistent building in future? Certainly, you are going to suffer a lot if you are not careful and vigilant in the beginning of your child’s life!
Psychologists agree on this fact that your child does not need lots of toys each day; your child does not need lots of games (on iPad or tablet ) every other moment ; and your child does not need lots of interactive activities every other hour or your child does not need to eat lots of food items to stay healthy, to grow into a happy, healthy and strong human being. Rather your child needs your attention(as a parent), responsiveness, and unconditional love more than any other thing. Your child needs a conducive environment where she could learn and enrich her capabilities fully. Your child needs your unbiased and true everlasting care and concern.
When your child listens from you or others about her, ‘ I wish her good luck more than any other thing’, she fears a lot. She starts fearing of unknown, uncertain events and a life without having the support of parents ( in Pakistani society there is no other support available to people generally specially to girls). Her status as a guest is established in her mind at the age of 5 or so. Though she is quite hopeful about her future; however she concentrates on more her future husband than her own particular interests and career. She starts living in dreams (that never come true) and finds comfort in them. This is the lifestyle that society imposes on the child even in the age of toddlerhood!
Nevertheless, girls are very much brainwashed on this issue. When they attend ceremonies, they are properly educated about their future-oriented customs in which one day she will have to leave her paternal home. She is being prepared for the big event! She is often reminded that her education and career do not matter a lot as compared to her cooking, washing, cleaning and other home skills. If she is too good in education; she is often not encouraged to have big dreams ; if she is not good in education, she is often not prepared to get some special skills to earn her living. In both cases, her status is not more than a pretty girl who is looking for a well educated, smart and strong husband. Her education is a mean to achieve this dream, not the ultimate goal.
The parents usually take charge of the marriage of their daughters and take them as a burden if for any reason, they cannot find a suitable groom for them in time. Therefore, girls have the right to live with their parents only until they are married; otherwise, they will only be accommodated with half heart! Even divorced, widows, or separated women face lots of discrimination while staying in their parent’s home after marriage.
The husbands and in-laws know very well that the daughter in law has no option left in case of separation or divorce. They with their heart and soul exploit their daughter in law and wife in most of the cases. This very homelessness ( no support from parents) make the girls do sacrifice, tolerate, and patiently face abuses of all types until death! The level of pain might be different and vary from person to person; however it is still there in the hearts of girls forever. Many times such feelings are so unconsciously and silently penetrated that no one blames on anyone!
Rukhsai is a concept which means a girl is not supposed to live with her parents after marriage and should live with her husband and his family forever. This or the similar meanings exist almost in every home of Pakistan and India. When a girl is born, she is usually blessed with some statements like,” God bless her with great luck and destiny” which means that god give her a good husband and in-laws in future (otherwise her luck is bad luck and there is no future for her anymore). People focus upon girls husband more than the girl itself. Education of the husband is more important than the education of the daughter; job of the husband is more important; home of the husband is more important and family of the husband is more important than family of the girl (where the girl was born). When our daughters listen to such mixed messages, they start dreaming of their future in terms of their hubby and in-laws (in some cases). They do not dream about their own future in terms of their education, profession or own home. They deny owning/upgrading their parents home as it is like a guest house where they are living for a short period. They even have little right in making decisions about their own life and future as it is the property of their future husband! In many cases girls are forced to marry as it is good for their brothers coming marriages.
What about a girl who wants to feel like a boy in her home ? She regrets why she is born in a female body. She simply does not like the idea of leaving home or leaving home for hubby.In this case, there is no solution. She has no choice – either go for a marriage or face the curses of family members! She will never be appreciated or encouraged by doing so, rather people will blame her for increasing problems for her parents.
Given the fact that a girl is very much protected by this way; it is a continuous pain in some of the little hearts ( aged 0 to 16). Toddler girls are unable to understand the hidden message and take it the other way round. They feel they are less loved, less welcome, and less motivated in return. They start feeling that they are not like boys or boys have many privileges in society that they lack. They appreciate their parents for being there for them always in spite of the fact they are not staying with them forever. They feel reluctant to choose difficult professions, difficult subjects, or difficult lines in life as it will increase burden on their parents shoulder. They feel they are unable to return their parents’ blessings in shape of living together, helping them and supporting them. They feel home sickness in the very young age; lack of security; fear of unknown; and absence of parents even in the company of parents. This is the biggest reason for being inactive, aggressive (in some cases), shy, moody, agitated, depress, anxious, worried, and self-centred or non-social. These problems would lead to further cognitive and personality disorders.
There are countless reasons for not giving such concepts to a female child. A child, boy or girl has equal rights upon parents even in case of conceptual background. Female child should not be discriminated against male child on the ground of living together with parents. Female child needs unconditional love as much as male child; female child should feel secure and completely loved like male child in every situation of life; female child should not be treated as she is lacking something as compared to male child in terms of rights and responsibilities; and most of all female child should be given the same space in the home as the male child throughout their life span!
This article is written while keeping in view the Pakistani culture and customs.
Abuse is a wide term that can start from a little humiliating joke to threatening a person to death. Every individual perceive it differently and silently! However, a general rule of thumb is that it is some feeling that you bear out of being abused from someone you know. Parents are not free from this kind of allegation as some of us definitely abuse their children. How can a parent abuse his child? There are many ways to abuse a child in which some are
being short listed below:
a. When a parent deliberately ignores his child’s needs such as cleaning, washing, feeding, cuddling and teaching..
b. When you see a child in danger and do not react in the best possible way to help the child whether it is your or someone else’s.
c. When you teach your child how to harm others, how to tell a lie, how to create fuss or how to make mess- you are abusing her.
d. When you do not stop your child from being aggressive, being crazy, being obsessive, or from being selfish. In each case, it is your duty as a parent to teach your child about her possible negative behavioral consequences.
e. When you teach your child about wrong, negative and harmful traditions of your society. Your child is not supposed to fulfill demands of society’s unhealthy and cruel traditions if there are any.
f. When you do not give your child a sense of confidence that she could share her feelings with you; you are abusing her. She will not feel secure unless you make her feel secure by your behavior and verbal assurance.
g. When you leave your child in a stressful situation to punish her. It is also a kind of abuse if your child is innocent and not getting what you mean.
h. When you force your child to sit with people she does not like or when you force your child to talk to people she does not like to talk to. You are not supposed to force your child to do anything unless her safety and security is compromised in doing so.
i. When you leave your child with others whom you are not sure if they would provide enough care to your child.
j. When you threat your child to leave her alone or any other kind of threat!
These are all passive abusive behaviors that most of the parents unconsciously adapt. It is always good to see our attitude in terms of abusive language; sometimes we can modify our role and become a good parent!
The life is All about Choosing purity In everything. It might be flowers, fragrances, stones, food, Clean water, pure Cotton, leather, crystal, gold, pure glass, pure environment, or It might be any Pure Product and your pure Emotions. Emotions we all understand, could also be either pure or contaminated. We do them Consciously or unconsciously- when we exaggerate, put stress on something, hide something, or make others believe on something; we are not pure.We are not pure when we focus on something or ignore something for some cause. We have to be as simple and pure as possible. If we aim at making Strong relationships, it is pertinent to reflect simplicity of emotions. Otherwise We will be getting What we are Reflecting. If you have a lot of make up, you will see faces with same make up! If you are pure,will be able to communicate better, Understand better and go further into deep relationships….. Children are the best examples for pure expressions, pure Emotions, natural expressions and feelings. They do not care what others think about their spontaneous actions and emotions; they express what they are; they behave as they feel like; they are less concerned about social media and more about their own preferences and choices. We might need to get a lesson from them if we are overly concious about the public.
It is pure relationship advice that never proves wrong!
“Yesterday was my birthday. I was not very happy on this incident as I have been living a poor life throughout my 40 years and never got what I wanted happily! My son for the first time recognized that it was his mother’s birthday. He wanted to celebrate it like we always celebrate his birthday! He wanted to buy balloons, cake of course, candle, card, gifts, and many more. He went to Tesco with me and chose a beautiful cake of his own choice after spending hours in decision making………. I said you can buy a toy of your own choice and leave the cake, if you wish. He thought for a while and then said, ‘NO – I want to celebrate your birthday today’. Then he looked forward to buy some gifts for me …..he thought he could buy all for his Mom! I said, ‘we have no money to buy such expensive gifts’. He seemed upset and annoyed. Then I told him that he could make a choice between this to this range of money and he was cheerful again. It seemed that he wanted to give me something beautiful – but of his own choice. He was so passionate for buying something for his Mom – something unique, lovely and beautiful that he never looked on the price mark. Actually he wanted to give me a surprise but due to his age, he could not purchase something independently. He felt quite helpless in making a choice of gift to me, in front of me. Anyhow, after having a long discussion about price and the product; we bought a cake and a gift together. The price of the gift was the lowest of all other things in the market. I felt as if I got all whatever was available to choose from, with no thirst at all; rather a fulfillment and peace. I felt I was the happiest mother of the world at that moment. My all desires went off and I was grateful to my son for his true and loving feelings (gifts) for me. That’s all”. She was so excited in saying this all to me ………….
The above story is not a story of a poor woman and her poor son. It is a story of passion and love when you do not have a single penny in your pocket to express it. It is a story of human feelings that are above all other materialistic things, we wish to achieve. It is a story of a little angel who expressed his love and great passion on the time of his mother’s birthday – even though he knew that he had not a single penny in his pocket (or his mother cannot afford any expensive gift). This story tells us that we need to convey our love and feelings to our beloved ones, even if we cannot afford to. We know materialistic things will never fulfill one’s quest for love and belongings; however we never express how much we want to spend (if we have resources) in order to express our true love and passion to others. Precisely, for people who want to cheat their partners through wrong excuses and details; only feelings will not work at all.
To conclude, if you love someone and cannot afford an expensive gift for her or him, just express those feelings in simple words. Your message will be conveyed and very much adored too if the other person is your true love (soul mate). However, not all people think alike. We need pure people to express pure feelings – we need little angels to express tranquility and gratitude. In addition to that we need to help our children to make choices wisely and teach them how to react passionately and adorably.