Rukhsati in Pakistan (part 3)

645

courtesy to google images

 

When things change in the beginning, the whole story of life is changed. When you find the best quality seed, you are sure of a plant with beautiful eye-catching flowers. When you make the base strong and firm, you are sure of the reliability and grandeur of the building. On the opposite note, when your seeds are damaged, abused or rotten; how can they grow up a plant of healthy fruits or flowers? When your base is weak, faulty or below standard, how can you expect a reliable, durable and persistent building in future? Certainly, you are going to suffer a lot if you are not careful and vigilant in the beginning of your child’s life!

Psychologists agree on this fact that your child does not need lots of toys each day; your child does not need lots of games (on iPad or tablet ) every other moment ; and your child does not need lots of interactive activities every other hour or your child does not need to eat lots of food items to stay healthy, to grow into a happy, healthy and strong human being. Rather your child needs your attention(as a parent), responsiveness, and unconditional love more than any other thing. Your child needs a conducive environment where she could learn and enrich her capabilities fully. Your child needs your unbiased and true everlasting care and concern.

When your child listens from you or others about her, ‘ I wish her good luck more than any other thing’, she fears a lot. She starts fearing of unknown, uncertain events and a life without having the support of parents ( in Pakistani society there is no other support available to people generally specially to girls). Her status as a guest is established in her mind at the age of 5 or so. Though she is quite hopeful about her future; however she concentrates on more her future husband than her own particular interests and career. She starts living in dreams (that never come true) and finds comfort in them. This is the lifestyle that society imposes on the child even in the age of toddlerhood!

Nevertheless, girls are very much brainwashed on this issue. When they attend ceremonies, they are properly educated about their future-oriented customs in which one day she will have to leave her paternal home. She is being prepared for the big event! She is often reminded that her education and career do not matter a lot as compared to her cooking, washing, cleaning and other home skills. If she is too good in education; she is often not encouraged to have big dreams ; if she is not good in education, she is often not prepared to get some special skills to earn her living. In both cases, her status is not more than a pretty girl who is looking for a well educated, smart and strong husband. Her education is a mean to achieve this dream, not the ultimate goal.

The parents usually take charge of the marriage of their daughters and take them as a burden if for any reason, they cannot find a suitable groom for them in time. Therefore, girls have the right to live with their parents only until they are married; otherwise, they will only be accommodated with half heart! Even divorced, widows, or separated women face lots of discrimination while staying in their parent’s home after marriage.

The husbands and in-laws know very well that the daughter in law has no option left in case of separation or divorce. They with their heart and soul exploit their daughter in law and wife in most of the cases. This very homelessness ( no support from parents) make the girls do sacrifice, tolerate, and patiently face abuses of all types until death! The level of pain might be different and vary from person to person; however it is still there in the hearts of girls forever. Many times such feelings are so unconsciously and silently penetrated that no one blames on anyone!

 

 

 

Advertisements

Evil Customs Encourage Crimes!

Customs are very much respected in the world, whether it is European culture or Asian traditional culture. They look beautiful and people maintain them for the sanctity of their feelings and for the respect of their culture overall. We also experience customs in our life in one way or the other. Like everyone else, we never question our customs; unless it is a real curse for the society. For many times, we overlook and continue with our lives while sharing customs with others. Life continues with peace and love.

However, in some of the societies of this world, there are some customs that prove unhealthy, harmful and crime. They are not beneficial and beautiful rather life threatening and ugly. Among these many dreadful customs, one is, ‘Rukhsati’ for the women; a custom that is very popular among Indian and Pakistanis. It is still in practice with great respect and love. You can just Google the word ‘Rukhsati’ and see the relevant pictures to get some idea.

As per Wikipedia definition, this is a somber occasion for the bride’s parents as they are departing their daughter from their home. It becomes an emotional scene when the bride says goodbye to her parents home and siblings to start a new life. See the whole definition. 1

This definition is not the complete interpretations of the concept that very systematically and unconsciously destroy a girls emotional and physical health. From the above definition, you might inquire the following:

a. Why is it a somber occasion?

b. Why is it an emotional scene?

c. Why do the girls say farewell to the home of her parents?

The answer is not very simple and state. A girl is constantly reminded in life about her ‘guestish’ (temporary) status  in her parents home. When a baby girl is born, parents either cry with anguish, pain, or wish the baby should have great luck and blessings in her life. Parents think the baby girls is a responsibility to bring her up with care and education to hand it over to the groom and say goodbye.

When a girl among her siblings behaves like a boy, parents usually remind her of her temporary status with them and say, ” how will you fulfill your desires in in-laws house where you have to spend your whole life”.

The concept of ‘rukhsati’ makes the girl think about her future home combined with future husband along with future parents (in-laws). She usually feels sorry for leaving her parents behind to get married. Sometimes it makes her uncomfortable, depress and vulnerable to certain disorders like moody, hyper sensitive, obsessive compulsive, social anxiety, depression, eating disorder, sleep disorder and many others.

When a girl actually marries; she is ready to go for it or die. She knows she is leaving her home forever or would come back with great guilt, bad luck and torture. Therefore, she is ready to sacrifice, obedience and face the challenges of life for that she is unknown still. Her mental and emotional state is weak and vulnerable!

The after marriage experiences depend on largely groom’s own personal characteristics. In the patriarchal society of Pakistan and India, man is very much dominated in home affairs. He decides about most of his life matters independently while keeping women (wives mostly) totally separate from his financial matters. When a girl becomes a wife, her husband along with his family members expects from the girls total obedience in terms of doing house chores, going out and about, getting jobs, and other trivial matters.

There could be a difference of opinion on this among families; as some educated families treat women with respect and love. However, it is common wisdom that wives will not Live in their parents’ home (being a great crime) in any situation in life.Mostly wives suffer many kinds of abuses: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, attitude abuse, physical abuse, and many more. Ironically, they do not accept it being an abuse victim until the day of death. They simply think they must be having some weak aspects of personality to deal with. They blame themselves and never talk about their rights.

You might think it is not the case with everyone; yet it is also true that the women in such cultures observe the custom ‘rukhsati’ with heart and soul to make them and their daughter’s life miserable and vulnerable!

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Pakistan#Rukhsati

Rukhsati: A Tragedy Of The Women Of Pakistan

rukhsati

source : retrieved from Google images. Just search ‘rukhsati’ on google, or on you tube; you will get it all what it means to Parents of Pakistan.

Parents who are symbol of love, care, blessing and happiness for the children are sometimes perceived as strangers, caretakers, and home owners. Parents who should give unconditional love to their children, in some parts of the world, extend their love to their children if they belong to a specific gender-male. For girls, their love is temporary, conditional and very much hypocritical. In almost each and every part of Pakistan:

  1. Daughters are taken as guests in the parent’s home until they are married.
  2. Girls are supposed to leave their parental home forever on wedding day (a tradition called Rukhsati)
  3. Sons are expected to live with their parents and take care of them.
  4. Daughters are expected not to visit their parents often after marriage
  5. Son is usually discouraged to see his in-laws often
  6. Daughters are supposed to do house chores and obey their husbands /in-laws
  7. Most parents think it is a matter of their great honor ( in the most negative way) or they will kill their daughters if:
    • Their daughter gets a divorce and come back due to any reason
    • Their daughter is raped or abused
    • Their daughter comes back due to facing brutality and cruelty of in-laws
    • Their daughter comes back due to having husbands rude, unfair and constantly demanding attitude
    • Their daughter is simply not ready to get married
    • Their daughter is having an affair  or on date
    • their daughter wants to live independently and alone
    • their daughter wants to live with her parents forever

In short, parents that are the only hope of children in this cruel world to welcome them, comfort them and console them in time of need and grief; in Pakistan girls are very much deprived of that ever lasting shadow of pure and powerful loving background. Girls, to some extent, receive their share of love and care from almost all kinds of parents; however that love is not enough to provide them with the energy to fight for their rights and live happily ever after. In life love is not the solution of every practical problem; rather we need to enforce some laws, rules, regulations to administer the social evils wisely. The traditions that cause discrimination, feelings of helplessness and flourish injustice, abuse and cruelty/atrocity among society members at a large scale, must be banned. We are not born to follow traditions blindly; rather traditions are established to comfort and facilitate us in a better way. Hope,  people and especially parents would think twice before saying their girls a guest in their homes.