customs

Evil Customs Encourage Crimes!

Customs are very much respected in the world, whether it is European culture or Asian traditional culture. They look beautiful and people maintain them for the sanctity of their feelings and for the respect of their culture overall. We also experience customs in our life in one way or the other. Like everyone else, we never question our customs; unless it is a real curse for the society. For many times, we overlook and continue with our lives while sharing customs with others. Life continues with peace and love.

However, in some of the societies of this world, there are some customs that prove unhealthy, harmful and crime. They are not beneficial and beautiful rather life threatening and ugly. Among these many dreadful customs, one is, ‘Rukhsati’ for the women; a custom that is very popular among Indian and Pakistanis. It is still in practice with great respect and love. You can just Google the word ‘Rukhsati’ and see the relevant pictures to get some idea.

As per Wikipedia definition, this is a somber occasion for the bride’s parents as they are departing their daughter from their home. It becomes an emotional scene when the bride says goodbye to her parents home and siblings to start a new life. See the whole definition. 1

This definition is not the complete interpretations of the concept that very systematically and unconsciously destroy a girls emotional and physical health. From the above definition, you might inquire the following:

a. Why is it a somber occasion?

b. Why is it an emotional scene?

c. Why do the girls say farewell to the home of her parents?

The answer is not very simple and state. A girl is constantly reminded in life about her ‘guestish’ (temporary) status  in her parents home. When a baby girl is born, parents either cry with anguish, pain, or wish the baby should have great luck and blessings in her life. Parents think the baby girls is a responsibility to bring her up with care and education to hand it over to the groom and say goodbye.

When a girl among her siblings behaves like a boy, parents usually remind her of her temporary status with them and say, ” how will you fulfill your desires in in-laws house where you have to spend your whole life”.

The concept of ‘rukhsati’ makes the girl think about her future home combined with future husband along with future parents (in-laws). She usually feels sorry for leaving her parents behind to get married. Sometimes it makes her uncomfortable, depress and vulnerable to certain disorders like moody, hyper sensitive, obsessive compulsive, social anxiety, depression, eating disorder, sleep disorder and many others.

When a girl actually marries; she is ready to go for it or die. She knows she is leaving her home forever or would come back with great guilt, bad luck and torture. Therefore, she is ready to sacrifice, obedience and face the challenges of life for that she is unknown still. Her mental and emotional state is weak and vulnerable!

The after marriage experiences depend on largely groom’s own personal characteristics. In the patriarchal society of Pakistan and India, man is very much dominated in home affairs. He decides about most of his life matters independently while keeping women (wives mostly) totally separate from his financial matters. When a girl becomes a wife, her husband along with his family members expects from the girls total obedience in terms of doing house chores, going out and about, getting jobs, and other trivial matters.

There could be a difference of opinion on this among families; as some educated families treat women with respect and love. However, it is common wisdom that wives will not Live in their parents’ home (being a great crime) in any situation in life.Mostly wives suffer many kinds of abuses: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, attitude abuse, physical abuse, and many more. Ironically, they do not accept it being an abuse victim until the day of death. They simply think they must be having some weak aspects of personality to deal with. They blame themselves and never talk about their rights.

You might think it is not the case with everyone; yet it is also true that the women in such cultures observe the custom ‘rukhsati’ with heart and soul to make them and their daughter’s life miserable and vulnerable!

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Pakistan#Rukhsati

When You Perceive A Negative Belief In The Name Of Positivity

Positivity is a universal trait and a common factor to enhance our well being all over the world. Every day we learn about positivity and try to adopt it as much as possible in our day to day life. We love to be called as positive parents, couples, children and positive members of our society. We by all means, fight with our negativity and try our best to achieve an acceptable level of  resilience. It is our utmost aim to live a happy, positive and successful life.

Unfortunately, our positivity is not a real positive thing  rather a cultural belief. In some of the cultures of this world, people are suffering from their positive (unnatural and false) attitudes.  For example, in the traditional societies of Pakistan, there are many beliefs that are thought as positive and people love to hold them as a symbol of pride and honour whereas they are a source of grief, anxiety, and depression for the other group of people.

Consider the following examples for clarification purpose:

In Pakistan:

  • It is very common to wish a baby boy for a young couple as boys are thought as superior than girls.
  • Baby girls are thought as guests in their own home. It is very much acceptable belief that a girl’s own home is settled after her marriage.
  • They are usually given less priority in almost all affairs compared to boys. It is very common norm to say exclusively to girls to eat after the boys and serve the others.
  • Some household chores like doing dishes, cleaning pots, washing, and dusting, are reserved for girls due to their very nature (low-degree jobs).
  • Many things like riding a bike, playing in a park, running a shop, riding a bike and dressing up like boys, are thought as boys things so the girls are not allowed to do that.
  • Most of the families do not allow girls to select their partner and they consider it a matter of their honor.
  • On the birth of a baby girl, mothers could be divorced, beaten, or verbally emotionally severely abused.
  • Some professions are taken as reserved for girls only (teaching, medical, and artistic) otherwise boys can join any profession they like to be in.
  • A girl has to obey her husband throughout her life (irrespective of his cruelty, tortures and abuses), as divorce is thought as a stigma on a girl’s life.

People do not accept the right of living alone for their girls as it is  too a matter of honor and dignity.

The list is never ending indeed. My purpose is not to highlighting the discrimination against women in Pakistan, rather to emphasize the idea that some of the cultural things are taken as a symbol of pride, honor and respect; people adopt them and feel happy in adopting them blindly as a part of their culture. They have no idea that their acceptance of cruelty would make the counter parts sick, dumb and vulnerable, susceptible, and unfortunate.

In the light of the above examples, girls feel extremely low self-esteem, decreased level of self-worth, lowest level of self-respect, and lose their self confidence in studies, social life, and after that in professional life. They feel homesick in the company of their own parents, they feel rejected and ignored at home and in society, they feel less powerful in the practical life ahead and in the end they compromise for the sake of their own family – usually children.

What is so positive in the eyes of the public (it is better for girls to stay at home) is not a fair decision. What is  so acceptable among society members (girls are guests in their own homes) is making our half of the population feel homeless and homesick. What is taken as a symbol of honor (you are the mother of boys) is making the daughters feel miserable and less worthy. What is  thought as girls’  sole responsibility (to perform exclusively household duties) is an example of severe gender discrimination.  What is  so common and good tradition of our culture (girls leave their parents on wedding day and live at the mercy of their husband and in laws forever) is making our daughters feel segregated and helpless in many ways. Indeed, these are all rubbish ideas, wrong theories, and false practices established in the dark ages when people lived in caves and had no education at all.

My stance is that one must not accept all the positivity blindly until or unless it is proved that the idea is worth accepting as a positive idea. One culture might involve something negative in the name of positivity. It is not always enough to say that hundreds of thousands of people are following one thing so the thing is worth following. NO. Sometimes, a wrong thing is followed by a large group of people, but the thing is wrong indeed. Thus, it is up to you whether you accept the idea as a positive one or reject it as it is. When a positive idea is positive, it spreads positivity. On the other side, when a negative idea is supported by most people and thought as a positive one- it will generate negativity, discrimination, inequality and resentment. There is no such universal formula that could define what is negativity and what is positivity – but you can save yourself from such messages through a severe negation as they stop you from being active, confident, successful, energetic, passionate, vibrant, creative, professional, empowered, assertive, decisive, happy and lively.

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Think Before!

When we go to the market to buy some electric item, we consider all the specifications in detail and compare their quality with their price. For example, in the shopping of computer, we consider hard drive capacity, screen size, RAM, processor type, etc. We take it as a whole and compare several times with other categories of the product.In short, we try to satisfy ourselves from every aspect and then decide about the purchase. The people who do not care much, usually ends up in frustration and cry over spilt milk. The lesson of the story is that we need to do all kinds of necessary homework if we want to be satisfied with our purchases and expenditures.

My focus is not about marketing attitudes rather the attitudes that we use to establish new relationships. How much we think before making a person a friend? How much we think about someone before making him/her a soul mate or roommate? How much we think before making someone a close friend? How much we think before becoming a parent? How much we think before we go for a marriage, especially in eastern cultures? How much we think before we take any step in life regarding the profession, education or immigration. How much we think before any break-up? If you think that you are very much vigilant and smart in such matters, then this article is not for you.

If you believe and you have already experienced a lot of drastic decisions that make you realize that you were in a hurry or you had to spend much time on pros and cons of your decisions then you need a proper training. Training to understand the fact that you need to think before.

What kind of thoughts may help you in this regard? Basically, we are in a hurry and decide emotionally about our emotional relationships as a human. We can answer such questions after having a little research work such as:

a. The person belongs to what kind of family
i. Honest
ii. Dishonest
iii. Rich
iv. Poor
v. Strong
vi. Weak
vii. Famous
viii. Stranger

b. The person’s past involves what kind of relationships
i. True
ii. Cheater
iii. Rich
iv. Temporary
v. Long
vi. Consistent

c. The person’s habits include what types
i. Harmful
ii. Healthy
iii. Mature
iv. Immature
v. Regular
vi. Irregular

d. The person’s friends speak about him/her in what tone
i. Fair
ii. Friendly
iii. Loving
iv. Reserve
v. Selfish

e. The persons living area is of what type
i. Neat
ii. Dirty
iii. Tidy
iv. Simple
v. Strange

f. The person’s beliefs are of what type
i. Religious
1. Name of the religion
2. Name of specific beliefs
3. Activities to practice
ii. Non religious
1. Beliefs in specific terms
2. Practices in specific terms

g. The persons limits are about what kind
i. In financial matters
ii. In domestic life
iii. In professional life

h. The persons negative and positive attributes
i. With family members
ii. With neighbors
iii. With personal relationships

i. The person’s spending habits
i. With friends
ii. With relatives
iii. With strangers

j. The person’s moral and social habits.
i. In general, as a whole
ii. In family
iii. With friends

There could be several sub categories to discuss further in this regard. It is all worth thinking ahead, otherwise you might be suffering from bad consequences to severe traumas due to your emotional and instant decisions about having a relationship in your life.
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