where attitude, habits, ​and virtues matter a lot!

Should I buy a quality product or a defected, unreliable, fake product? Surely the quality product, we all need!  Now it is little tricky one: what is quality product when it comes to deciding about the right man in marriage.

Some go for wealth, some go for status, some go for physique, some go for smartness, some go for gentleness, some care about family background, some care about family members, some value the area one is living, some value the wealth one has in banks, some consider the reputation one has among friends, and some would think about all traits!

Nothing wrong with that. But just remember that you can’t get all in one package. You have to lose something and get something else. And it is not there always as you expected before marriage. You have to compromise on many things – this is a very complicated relationship.

One thing for which at least I am not doubtful is the person’s innate nature- how he behaves with family members at home. Irrespective of all degrees, status, and wealth, if one is not capable of washing dishes to help his mum, he is not the person to consider even! If in spite of having the sexiest look, smart body and modern thinking, he is not ready to help you out in your time of need, you don’t need that man at all! If in spite of having a great future, big house and a large circle of friends on facebook, he is not likely to spend a few moments with you in your preferred manner, he is not worth being a husband of you!

Though these empathetic traits would come up after living together, not before living together; yet these are the most important traits in men who would prove a great partner for anyone of their choice.

In our patriarchal society of Pakistan, men need specific training on how to behave with their wives. As they come up with the background of ‘men’s superiority where men are much more superior to women, are not supposed to care, help or sympathize them in any romantic manner; they are not ready to show their sympathy to their women through caring attitude and helping them in doing house chores. They behave like kings and call their subordinates as they have servants at home in the name of the wives! Cruelty never ends here. Even they think they are privileged with special powers and rights to behave like that. They are very much spoiled and pampered to act aggressively with their family members. So such men whether they keep some of the above worldly traits or not must be rejected in deciding about marriage.

One cool tip is that you must check the man’s parents living style. If his mother is subordinate and submissive; reject him too.

The other tip is that you spend some time with the man’s family members and note their living style. Probably he will mirror his family lifestyle in his future. Spending time with him will not benefit you as much, as he could pretend a nice guy for a while to impress you.

Good Luck

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Feel Good Therapy

 

Have you ever seen flavored juices in markets, flavored sweets and flavored yogurts in markets? Usually, they are only flavored, not real. When we talk to someone without feelings, we become those flavored products. We are not real. We are not pure. We are fake and unreal. Our deeds are not accountable without our feelings. So are we.

Let’s taste a real treat with actual flavors. It will taste real sweet, salty or fantastic compared to the artificially flavored food. So you also taste like that. If you speak with feelings, you are perceived fully with taste. If you speak with no feelings, you will taste nothing. You might be misperceived or perceived wrong.

When we talk about relationships, feelings become the most important ingredient. Without feelings, relationships don’t survive or only survive. However, their charm, attraction, and beauty fade up. We don’t feel good in return. We look unhappy, stress full and lethargic. We miss the real fun and quality time.

Feelings are very important to maintain one’s life fully. If you neglect your real feelings and always try to take care of others feelings – you are on wrong track. To get the real taste of life, you must feel good. When you feel good- you perceive good and in return, you enjoy the harmony of goodness between you two. Therefore, feel good is as important as to look good.

One should also take care of others feelings. Without taking care of others feelings, one is never able to respond accordingly/appropriately. In the end, both suffer a lot due to misperception or misunderstanding. So to establish any relationship, it is a vital part to express one’s feelings truly and understand other person’s feelings as well. Feelings play a great role in keeping your relationships alive, healthy and happy.

Usually, people go for rich experiences to feel good. However, experiences between man and environment could not make us happier than the happiness we cultivate from sharing feelings of love, empathy, and kindness with our friends, intimate partners, or relatives (whom we belong).

The good news is that you can work on it. You can find new ways to express your feelings and seek for clues to understand other person’s feelings. You can plan new shared experiences to feel better and improve your relationships. One moment of true feelings of love is always better than a long lived happily married life without any feelings of love.
Be Cheerful and Happy always.

 

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When a girl is born in the UK, her parents welcome the child with flowers of love, care, and unconditional affection. Girl daughters feel very proud of being a daughter and start their life with great confidence and motivation. They are pleasantly taught about the rules of life in which they are expected to be educated as much as possible, to achieve a career to their satisfaction, and to live a happy life ever after. They are taught about the freedom they will enjoy in their life; they are taught about their rights ( right to move, right to dress-up, right to marry, right to re-marry, right to divorce, right to have kids’ custody, right to speak about their love and interests, right to save their life, right to leave a bad person’s company, right to live alone, right to speak for their rights, right to call police in time of danger, right to excel, right to live as per their wish). Girls are always their parent’s daughters like sons: no discrimination at all. Girls enjoy the same lifestyle as their brothers keep rather they are more valued and honored. Parents spend more on little girls and let them enjoy the games like judo, karate, gymnastic, swimming, boxing, and other skills even when they are 3 or 4 years old. Usually, girls show more energy and flexibility in these games! They are never given any message in which they would be fearful about their future husband, future home or future in-laws! They are never given any idea of ‘leaving home after marriage’, rather they can live forever with their parents if they would like. Girls are more protected in a sense they can live alone after they are grown up. They can choose their partner and get a divorce without having any ‘honor killing’ syndrome. They can very easily shut the door to their husband if he is harassing them or abusing them in any form.  They  are not mentally prepared for the house hold work in future ( for the husband and his family). They are not waiting for the prince to take them to his palace to protect them ( an imaginary theme). They are free to move anywhere in the world with peace of mind and happiness. They are free to choose any profession, any vehicle to travel, and any identity to own. They enjoy the support of their parents, culture, society and the government in each and every field of life. They are very much pampered and loved. 

    It does not mean there is no rape, no sexual or emotional abuse, no threat and no killing in this society. There are still some cases to report and to feel scared; however, they are not as much in quantity as much we ( in Pakistan) could note and publish. In each home of Pakistan, gender discrimination, gender differences, physical and emotional abuses, parental control ( negative )and female child neglect is very much prevalent. A female child starts her life with lots of mixed messages about her female role at home, in society and in her married life. She is supposed to adopt that role in her adult life irrespective of her education or career choices. She is very much forced to think in that particular way in which she is a female, a responsibility to parents, a subject of fear, a figure of special respect, a source of honor, a guest in her parents home, a person who will be living the life of her husband, a person who will leave her parental home for her husband’s home, a person who cannot live alone with respect and honor, a person who is less powerful than a man, a person who would always need a man to protect her, a person who is vulnerable to various traumas, a person who should be caring, loving and serving to others, a weak person and a weak decision maker. 

   

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Thus girls, even from educated and well-established families suffer a lot. They do not enjoy their life as they would if they were born in the UK ( or any other liberal society). They are very much oppressed and suppressed due to societal norms, traditions and customs. They even like those traditions and beliefs as the change would disturb their comfort zone. However, this is not what should continue as many of them are suffering a lot due to these discriminatory acts and thoughts,painful beliefs, cruel customs, horrible traditions, bizarre irregularities, injustices, emotional, physical and sexual abuses. Mostly women who suffer from such traumas in their childhood, are  very much vulnerable to anxieties, depression, and post traumatic stress disorders in their adulthood. So much so, suicidal thoughts are very common among such victims.

    Therefore, I request you ( if you are a parent) to please negate the beliefs that create any discrimination among your kids; ( if you are a girl) fight for your own rights or at least never accept any negative belief; (if you are a victim) speak about it on any forum you could and if you are in any capacity to protect someone you know- please go ahead and bring a change in society.

Thanks

courtesy to Google images

Female Child Abuse in Pakistan​

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Almost every other child in Pakistan is being, physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally severely abused by her own family members. The data is usually not collected and news is never generated for ordinary people. Even if the news is being printed, the case is being registered; there is no output from police or courts. 

People do not check their attitude towards their kids- usually, it is too rigid, harsh and intolerable. They scold them, beat them and even torture them so badly that they feel like to run away from home. Especially for the females, their behavior is never acceptable. The following examples will further elaborate the concept of female abuse in detail: 
a. Most of the parents never welcome a female child – a kind of abuse
b. Parents always expect from female child to take care of siblings and others in terms of house chores and serving food. 
c. The female child is rarely exposed to good education and health needs. 
d. Female Child is always kept home due to security and religious reasons. 
e. The female child is never allowed to play in parks with boys  or alone.
f. the female child is not given skill or technical education. 
g. female child is always exposed to toxic beliefs : such as leaving home after marriage, being obedient to husband; being obedient to in-laws; never ask for her own interests; sacrifice for the family honor; never argue in front of husband; never think of her own income; girls first priority is home; girls should be expert in cooking; girls should not participate in family matters as they have to leave the family one day; girls should not go to markets often; girls should not mix with boys; girls should not speak loudly; sons are better than daughters; and many alike.Some of the beliefs are not bad itself; however, they are used in such a negative way that contribute towards female child abuse very much.  
g. The female child is encouraged to look after her face, body, and dress more than other things (education, career, finance, and security) as she is supposed to win a beauty contest for the future husband. 
h. Some female children are being sold, dropped somewhere or left unattended for being female at home. 
i. Some fathers always blame their wives for giving birth to a female child in front of their daughters. 
j. People offer food to male members first and then females. This applies to other things also. 
k. The females are less likely to be exposed to driving a car, bus or truck. Similarly, she is less likely to shop (any big item that a boy can buy), run a business or have a bank account under parents guidance. As a child, they are never educated to adapt these roles in future. 
L. Parents spend a lot on sons compared to daughters. 
m. The female child is less likely to have friends or enjoy any social circle. 
There are many other restrictions that make a female child less confident, less motivated and less creative. They are never able to lead their own lives and follow their dreams. Rather they always walk on the egg shells with the fear of being homeless, stigmatized or tortured ( in some cases being dead). 
 
Thanks 
Courtesy to google images

Parental Emotional Support in Time can Prevent Children from being Emotionally Abused in Future!

There is no doubt that parents are supposed to take care of their children all kinds of needs: physical, security, esteem, social, educational, economic and emotional ones. In our culture( the culture of Pakistan), emotional needs are very much neglected by the parents consciously or unconsciously. You can, however, learn how to fulfill your child’s emotional needs by following the simple rules listed below:

  1. by exploring their emotions on various subjects and asking them what they felt over; how they would like to be treated; what is good; what is bad; if this would happen, what are they supposed to do? what is more important? What is least important? What is good for them and what is bad for them? In this way, you could explore your children’s emotional sphere in depth and guide them accordingly.
  2. by giving them plenty of opportunities to boost their self-confidence. Remember, if your child is shy and passive in nature; it is not your neighbor’s responsibility to make her social. You have to be social first, have social interactions and set an example for your child to make her social. Having friends is always good for children. They should be encouraged to have a healthy friendship, social interactions, and maintain a rich social life. However, some children by birth are of shy nature. They should also be provided enough experiences to boost their confidence level and to overcome social anxiety if they have.
  3. Whenever your child is low in emotions; it should not be ignored. Please talk to your child if she is kept lying on her bed since long or she is in a bad mood, or she is being emotional in any way.
  4. Keep an eye on your child’s big events. Big events don’t mean ‘birthdays’ or ‘kids’ day’, or ‘new year day’; rather it means what your child is passionate about; what she longs for; and what she adores. If it is something odd, strange or worrisome-discuss, discuss, and discuss a lot about it. It is kind of poison that should not stay in the body for a long time; otherwise severe consequences would occur.
  5. Many parents claim that they are the friend of their child, whereas in real life it seems as if they are not even in a healthy relationship. Where lays the problem? In fact, there is no consistency and fluidity in parents’ behavior. They usually behave well in a good mood but bad in a bad mood as well. So they loose trust on their children. Like a boss who is good in good time and worse in a bad mood. Friends are not like this. They need to maintain a very consistent temperament throughout their life to maintain a very healthy relationship with their friend. On the opposite side, it does not mean you should be nice and kind all the time; rather you should be firm, passionate, encouraging, persistent, and a secure guide all the time- like teachers to some extent. Rather you can be friendlier to them – more than teachers in your capacity but at the same time more persistent and flexible. One thing more, if you think that you can replace friends of your child’s life, you are wrong. You can be ‘like friend’ but not ‘friend’ indeed.

So emotions of your child should be regulated, trained, maintained and nurtured very carefully, passionately and regularly. In the end, they will not only become your friends, rather will become good decision makers, nation builders, leaders, helpers, persistent and consistent workers, brave and brilliant students, courageous and social human beings in future.

 

Rukhsati in Pakistan (part 3)

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courtesy to google images

 

When things change in the beginning, the whole story of life is changed. When you find the best quality seed, you are sure of a plant with beautiful eye-catching flowers. When you make the base strong and firm, you are sure of the reliability and grandeur of the building. On the opposite note, when your seeds are damaged, abused or rotten; how can they grow up a plant of healthy fruits or flowers? When your base is weak, faulty or below standard, how can you expect a reliable, durable and persistent building in future? Certainly, you are going to suffer a lot if you are not careful and vigilant in the beginning of your child’s life!

Psychologists agree on this fact that your child does not need lots of toys each day; your child does not need lots of games (on iPad or tablet ) every other moment ; and your child does not need lots of interactive activities every other hour or your child does not need to eat lots of food items to stay healthy, to grow into a happy, healthy and strong human being. Rather your child needs your attention(as a parent), responsiveness, and unconditional love more than any other thing. Your child needs a conducive environment where she could learn and enrich her capabilities fully. Your child needs your unbiased and true everlasting care and concern.

When your child listens from you or others about her, ‘ I wish her good luck more than any other thing’, she fears a lot. She starts fearing of unknown, uncertain events and a life without having the support of parents ( in Pakistani society there is no other support available to people generally specially to girls). Her status as a guest is established in her mind at the age of 5 or so. Though she is quite hopeful about her future; however she concentrates on more her future husband than her own particular interests and career. She starts living in dreams (that never come true) and finds comfort in them. This is the lifestyle that society imposes on the child even in the age of toddlerhood!

Nevertheless, girls are very much brainwashed on this issue. When they attend ceremonies, they are properly educated about their future-oriented customs in which one day she will have to leave her paternal home. She is being prepared for the big event! She is often reminded that her education and career do not matter a lot as compared to her cooking, washing, cleaning and other home skills. If she is too good in education; she is often not encouraged to have big dreams ; if she is not good in education, she is often not prepared to get some special skills to earn her living. In both cases, her status is not more than a pretty girl who is looking for a well educated, smart and strong husband. Her education is a mean to achieve this dream, not the ultimate goal.

The parents usually take charge of the marriage of their daughters and take them as a burden if for any reason, they cannot find a suitable groom for them in time. Therefore, girls have the right to live with their parents only until they are married; otherwise, they will only be accommodated with half heart! Even divorced, widows, or separated women face lots of discrimination while staying in their parent’s home after marriage.

The husbands and in-laws know very well that the daughter in law has no option left in case of separation or divorce. They with their heart and soul exploit their daughter in law and wife in most of the cases. This very homelessness ( no support from parents) make the girls do sacrifice, tolerate, and patiently face abuses of all types until death! The level of pain might be different and vary from person to person; however it is still there in the hearts of girls forever. Many times such feelings are so unconsciously and silently penetrated that no one blames on anyone!

 

 

 

Rukhsati (part 2): a source of emotional and psychological abuse!

Rukhsai is a concept which means a girl is not supposed to live with her parents after marriage and should live with her husband and his family forever. This or the similar meanings exist almost in every home of Pakistan and India. When a girl is born, she is usually blessed with some statements like,” God bless her with great luck and destiny” which means that god give her a good husband and in-laws in future (otherwise her luck is bad luck and there is no future for her anymore). People focus upon girls husband more than the girl itself. Education of the husband is more important than the education of the daughter; job of the husband is more important; home of the husband is more important and family of the husband is more important than family of the girl (where the girl was born). When our daughters listen to such mixed messages, they start dreaming of their future in terms of their hubby and in-laws (in some cases). They do not dream about their own future in terms of their education, profession or own home. They deny owning/upgrading their parents home as it is like a guest house where they are living for a short period. They even have little right in making decisions about their own life and future as it is the property of their future husband! In many cases girls are forced to marry as it is good for their brothers coming marriages.  

What about a girl who wants to feel like a boy in her home ? She regrets why she is born in a female body. She simply does not like the idea of leaving home or leaving home for hubby.In this case, there is no solution. She has no choice – either go for a marriage or face the curses of family members! She will never be appreciated or encouraged by doing so, rather people will blame her for increasing problems for her parents. 

Given the fact that a girl is very much protected by this way; it is a continuous pain in some of the little hearts ( aged 0 to 16). Toddler girls are unable to understand the hidden message and take it the other way round. They feel they are less loved, less welcome, and less motivated in return. They start feeling that they are not like boys or boys have many privileges in society  that they lack. They appreciate their parents for being there for them always in spite of the fact they are not staying with them forever. They feel reluctant to choose difficult professions, difficult subjects, or difficult lines in life as it will increase burden on their parents shoulder. They feel they are unable to return their parents’ blessings in shape of living together, helping them and supporting them. They feel home sickness in the very young age; lack of security; fear of unknown; and absence of parents even in the company of parents. This is the biggest reason for being inactive, aggressive (in some cases), shy, moody, agitated, depress, anxious, worried, and self-centred or non-social. These problems would lead to further cognitive and  personality disorders.

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There are countless reasons for not giving such concepts to a female child. A child, boy or girl has equal rights upon parents even in case of conceptual background. Female child should not be discriminated against male child on the ground of living together with parents. Female child needs unconditional love as much as male child; female child should feel secure and completely loved like male child in every situation of life; female child should not be treated as she is lacking something as compared to male child in terms of rights and responsibilities; and most of all female child should be given the same space in the home as the male child throughout their life span! 

Note:

This article is written while keeping in view the Pakistani culture and customs.