Parental Emotional Support in Time can Prevent Children from being Emotionally Abused in Future!

There is no doubt that parents are supposed to take care of their children all kinds of needs: physical, security, esteem, social, educational, economic and emotional ones. In our culture( the culture of Pakistan), emotional needs are very much neglected by the parents consciously or unconsciously. You can, however, learn how to fulfill your child’s emotional needs by following the simple rules listed below:

  1. by exploring their emotions on various subjects and asking them what they felt over; how they would like to be treated; what is good; what is bad; if this would happen, what are they supposed to do? what is more important? What is least important? What is good for them and what is bad for them? In this way, you could explore your children’s emotional sphere in depth and guide them accordingly.
  2. by giving them plenty of opportunities to boost their self-confidence. Remember, if your child is shy and passive in nature; it is not your neighbor’s responsibility to make her social. You have to be social first, have social interactions and set an example for your child to make her social. Having friends is always good for children. They should be encouraged to have a healthy friendship, social interactions, and maintain a rich social life. However, some children by birth are of shy nature. They should also be provided enough experiences to boost their confidence level and to overcome social anxiety if they have.
  3. Whenever your child is low in emotions; it should not be ignored. Please talk to your child if she is kept lying on her bed since long or she is in a bad mood, or she is being emotional in any way.
  4. Keep an eye on your child’s big events. Big events don’t mean ‘birthdays’ or ‘kids’ day’, or ‘new year day’; rather it means what your child is passionate about; what she longs for; and what she adores. If it is something odd, strange or worrisome-discuss, discuss, and discuss a lot about it. It is kind of poison that should not stay in the body for a long time; otherwise severe consequences would occur.
  5. Many parents claim that they are the friend of their child, whereas in real life it seems as if they are not even in a healthy relationship. Where lays the problem? In fact, there is no consistency and fluidity in parents’ behavior. They usually behave well in a good mood but bad in a bad mood as well. So they loose trust on their children. Like a boss who is good in good time and worse in a bad mood. Friends are not like this. They need to maintain a very consistent temperament throughout their life to maintain a very healthy relationship with their friend. On the opposite side, it does not mean you should be nice and kind all the time; rather you should be firm, passionate, encouraging, persistent, and a secure guide all the time- like teachers to some extent. Rather you can be friendlier to them – more than teachers in your capacity but at the same time more persistent and flexible. One thing more, if you think that you can replace friends of your child’s life, you are wrong. You can be ‘like friend’ but not ‘friend’ indeed.

So emotions of your child should be regulated, trained, maintained and nurtured very carefully, passionately and regularly. In the end, they will not only become your friends, rather will become good decision makers, nation builders, leaders, helpers, persistent and consistent workers, brave and brilliant students, courageous and social human beings in future.



Rukhsati (part 2): a source of emotional and psychological abuse!

Rukhsai is a concept which means a girl is not supposed to live with her parents after marriage and should live with her husband and his family forever. This or the similar meanings exist almost in every home of Pakistan and India. When a girl is born, she is usually blessed with some statements like,” God bless her with great luck and destiny” which means that god give her a good husband and in-laws in future (otherwise her luck is bad luck and there is no future for her anymore). People focus upon girls husband more than the girl itself. Education of the husband is more important than the education of the daughter; job of the husband is more important; home of the husband is more important and family of the husband is more important than family of the girl (where the girl was born). When our daughters listen to such mixed messages, they start dreaming of their future in terms of their hubby and in-laws (in some cases). They do not dream about their own future in terms of their education, profession or own home. They deny owning/upgrading their parents home as it is like a guest house where they are living for a short period. They even have little right in making decisions about their own life and future as it is the property of their future husband! In many cases girls are forced to marry as it is good for their brothers coming marriages.  

What about a girl who wants to feel like a boy in her home ? She regrets why she is born in a female body. She simply does not like the idea of leaving home or leaving home for hubby.In this case, there is no solution. She has no choice – either go for a marriage or face the curses of family members! She will never be appreciated or encouraged by doing so, rather people will blame her for increasing problems for her parents. 

Given the fact that a girl is very much protected by this way; it is a continuous pain in some of the little hearts ( aged 0 to 16). Toddler girls are unable to understand the hidden message and take it the other way round. They feel they are less loved, less welcome, and less motivated in return. They start feeling that they are not like boys or boys have many privileges in society  that they lack. They appreciate their parents for being there for them always in spite of the fact they are not staying with them forever. They feel reluctant to choose difficult professions, difficult subjects, or difficult lines in life as it will increase burden on their parents shoulder. They feel they are unable to return their parents’ blessings in shape of living together, helping them and supporting them. They feel home sickness in the very young age; lack of security; fear of unknown; and absence of parents even in the company of parents. This is the biggest reason for being inactive, aggressive (in some cases), shy, moody, agitated, depress, anxious, worried, and self-centred or non-social. These problems would lead to further cognitive and  personality disorders.


There are countless reasons for not giving such concepts to a female child. A child, boy or girl has equal rights upon parents even in case of conceptual background. Female child should not be discriminated against male child on the ground of living together with parents. Female child needs unconditional love as much as male child; female child should feel secure and completely loved like male child in every situation of life; female child should not be treated as she is lacking something as compared to male child in terms of rights and responsibilities; and most of all female child should be given the same space in the home as the male child throughout their life span! 


This article is written while keeping in view the Pakistani culture and customs.

Which comes first: Processing or Perception


Courtesy to Google Images

When you talk about your mother or father, do you honestly, being truly unbiased, evaluate your parents personalities? You must be thinking ‘yes’ and you might be truly evaluating your parents! Almost everybody evaluates truly and mostly love their parents based on their true evaluations. So it means all parents are perfect, loving, adorable and charming from every angle. NO. This is not true. We love our parents’ personalities because we love them first. We hardly see their negative personality traits or we do not wish to see those negative traits or we think those negative traits are positive indeed! In each aspect, first, we fall in love with them then start evaluating if we have to.  Nevertheless, most, among us never dare to evaluate their parents’ behavior- never ever. Everybody seems to love the parents whatever their personality types are. We are used to them as they are. We love to see them as they are. We are used to take whatever they cook and we love/prefer that food in that particular taste. We think that taste is great; however that taste is not great itself. We have just been accustomed to it since long.

The same is true with our kids. We love them so much that we could not find negativity in them. It is really a hard work to point out negative traits in our kids. Rather we unconsciously try to find positive personality traits among them. We love them so much that we try to prove our love is true and based on true facts. We are not ready to listen against our kids from someone else. We first love our kids then evaluate their personalities accordingly. In other words, we first make our mind for our kids that they are, loving, beautiful, sweet and innocent then try to figure out other traits. We would rarely believe that our kids are not, what we think they are. Though each of us thinks that he or she is very honest and true in evaluating their kids’ personalities but, in fact it is not the case. If it were true, then in this world, all children would carry positive traits. In short, we, being parents, fall in love with our kids and keep on proving our love for them unconsciously.

The same is true to all our first impressions, first-time beliefs, and first imprints on our brain for whatever we see, analyze or perceive. First we love or hate and then we start proving our feeling. First we make our mind, and then we start evaluating. First we make friends, then, we convince ourselves and others that they are of good nature and with great human traits. It is not the other way round. We unconsciously remain stick to our likeness/dislikeness and try to convince others that it is based on true evaluation. In fact, it is never proved scientifically.

You go to watch a movie where the cinema hall is fully booked. You see people talking about the same movie with different arguments, comments, and reflections. Some would like to criticize the story, some would describe characters (acting) more, some would appreciate background effect, some would talk about songs beauty, some would even discuss the scenes, some would love/hate the photography, some would be more interested in romantic stuff of that movie; and some would argue about the end or start of the story. So the thousand different minds would interpret the same item in thousand different ways. The movie would remain the same; however the perception of that movie would differ from mind to mind. Now in place of movie, you think you are there as a person. Can you imagine in how many ways, people would like to interpret your personality? You can well imagine that. Whom would you believe first? And what should you believe?

We usually believe the opinion of the person closer to us in blood relations then go for others. The closer the relationship is, the more likely we are going to believe him or her. Here again first we decide whom opinion matters to us, then, we listen to the opinion. It is not the other way round. We do not analyze the opinions of others about us in an objective manner. We listen what we want to listen. We see what we want to see. We are quite good at it. For example, a child needs reassurance for her actions, first from her parents, and then from her teachers and others. It is less likely that our parents are satisfied with our actions and we are looking forward to others for the approval. However, it might happen in rare circumstances (will discuss at another time).

Empathy is a good quality. It means to understand the other person’s feelings from within his frame of reference. However, it rarely happens. We usually help others in the matters we think they would need help while mirroring ourselves first. First we assume what we like or dislike and based on it, decide what others would like and dislike. In other words, we are empathetic only for those traits we are convinced to be empathetic for, not in all matters of life objectively. We value and realize others those ‘problems’ we consider ‘problems’ for ourselves. Our empathy is not for everyone; rather it is only for those whom we love/relate first. We do not feel empathetic for everyone standing outside anonymously. It is especially true when we judge our empathetic self for our rivals. We are no more empathetic for the people we dislike first! Though in rare cases, we can be quite selfless till the level of real empathy (a topic not to discuss here).

To conclude, we perceive, love, hate, or make some belief about someone we meet for the first time in life. Then we react, analyze, evaluate, and behave accordingly. Then we keep on proving our first impression unconsciously and secretly. In addition to that, it is too deep rooted to change the first conceptual image of the other person whether it is your mother, father, friend, or even your own self- image. We are simply not in the position of changing our first conceptual blueprints on our brains. Though, we can change its density in terms of valence, usability, and effectiveness. We can ignore it till the level we forget it; however, it is next to impossible to impartially evaluate it in its true sense. In short, we cannot examine our brains objectively while keeping our emotions along with/inside. We have to perceive first, see first, listen first, and then process the information. We have to realize, touch and feel first and then try to communicate/evaluate. Like a PC that downloads the software first and then start acting on it, we are bound to feel first and then think about!

Improve Your Perception For A Smart Choice

We all live a busy life and find no time to make decisions with complete peace of mind. Always we are in a hurry to do something, to take some action/reaction and then regret while having no choice later on! When you go for shopping, you are fascinated by different things in shops and many times you go for a thing that look prettier to you at that particular moment. There are many things that you, do not like today with that intensity for which you have bought them a few years back. You are again in the vicious circle of looking for something new everyday and keeping your regrets alive each day!

Here is a simple tip for you to consider before going for a shopping:

a. When you are overwhelmed by a product to have an instant buy, stop for a moment. Think if it is 100/100 in your mind – means you are completely in love with it! If it is that much adorable, then it will carry only 70 points in your mind after a week or so.

b. If you think that a product (you want to buy by heart) carries 70 points out of 100 in your mind, then understand that it will only hold 50 points after a week or so.

c. If you think the product is equal to 30 by 100; then it is better to leave it as it will leave you with regret after your purchase.

Now think about emotional, intimate relationship decisions. In the same scenario, when you see someone with great features; you are passionately overwhelmed by the product (boy or girl). This is the time to analyze it with caution. You can carry out a little judgment instantly and look for its value in numbers.

a. If the person carries 100 by 100; think after 10 years of marriage, the number will be reduced to 70 or so.

b. If the person carries 70 by 100; after 10 years or so, he/she will reduce his charm by 30 percent and hold only 50 out of 100.

c. If the person is keeping 30 or so marks in your heart out of 100; then please do not go for it. Leave him/her alone.

In most of the matters, when you are in between and could not decide anything for you; it is always better to leave that particular thing for a safe decision making.

My numbers are not exact; variations are always there and depend on the persons particular needs and choices criteria. However, these numbers convey the caution that we all could apply in our day to day decision making struggles, from buying a glass of water to looking for a partner to live with forever!


If You Are Perceived Wrongly- It Might Be Your Fault!

Let me introduce you some examples first to get to know the real subject later on.

‘ Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a caring parent.

‘Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a loving child to her parent.

What do you think about the both statements- are the same in nature? No. Certainly No. When a parent says ‘stop’, it is due to his caring nature being a parent; whereas when a child is saying the same thing, it might be due to imitation, ignorance, or might be due to some distress in mind. In any case, both expressions are not conveying the same meanings while having the same alphabetic language.

 ‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a caring parent.

‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a loving child to her parent.

It is again the same thing. The parent is caring and involved in safety issues with the child and the child is assuming as if she is a grown-up, so pretending to become a caring parent.

‘ Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving husband.

‘Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving wife.

 Here again husband is a bit aggressive and hyper in mood while arguing with his wife whereas wife is complaining against her husband’s indifferent and neglectful attitude.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employer to his employee.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employee to his employer.

 In this example, an employer is happy with his employee’s performance and employer is misbehaving with his boss in a rude manner.

 In the light of the above examples, one can easily conclude that language varies widely between relationships and would never convey the same meanings for each party involved. Even in friendships, partners speak relative to each others social and emotional status.

 Children being junior members of your family might exaggerate your angry feelings and would name it a kind of threat to their happiness and safety. They do need a different level of anger from that you use in your office at least!

 For couples, husbands are by default at the top position, so they must show over caring attitude and nice gestures for being more responsible and energetic as a man. For a wife might name a husband’s little angry mood a kind of emotional abuse, being more tender and subtle human by nature.

 Likewise, every relationship demands different language to speak with. We cannot rule over all people with the same hammer. When we go into the details of the healthy relationships, it is very important to understand that love speaks many languages and that too differs from person to person. We have to consider many other factors indeed in deciding about our way of communication: age, sex, culture, education level, background, personality type, I.Q, E.Q, physical health and the most important is the other person’s status in the relationship with you.

Conclusively, It means while speaking with someone junior to you (in age, position, or status) more respect than you usually give to others, is needed so that he/she should not feel degraded or humiliated due to your slip of the tongue only. It implies on your children, wives, and servants or anybody junior to you in general. Especially when you are in a bad mood, try to show less aggressive attitude as much as possible (lesser than what you usually show to your friends) so that the people who are dependent on you should not feel dejected or neglected due to your sudden rude behavior.


Say Sorry To Your Kids!

Parents are always interested in the well being of their children and sacrifice is their second nature. Parents usually collect all their wisdom and comfort their children first and then think about their own needs. We, no doubt, are very much aware of our parent’s intentions, well wishes, and great love for us.

 However, there is no perfect parent in this world. One can try to become perfect; but it is simply not possible to do all what is required in the most professional mechanical way at the exact time. So we are prone to do mistakes while having a great pressure of good parenting style. What do you do when you acknowledge your mistake? Let me give you some examples to understand the concept:

  • Suppose you could not get what your child is saying and shuts her up abruptly
  • Suppose you mistakenly taught wrong meaning to your child
  • Suppose you are upset due to some reason and snubs your child rudely
  • Suppose you could not make some food for your child due to your leisure or lazy attitude
  • Suppose you know you could comfort your child, but you did not act like that due to some enmity for your husband
  • Suppose you are neglecting your child due to your abusive relationship with your partner
  • Suppose you are ill-treating your child due to your anxiety in job

There could be several reasons for your rude behavior with your children that would create a guilt for you. You know you have done something wrong with your children and no body is witness to that. You, in your heart, feel guilt and shame! You feel regret and sorry for that. How would you treat yourself positively and replace your feelings with new energy of love?

Certainly it is very important for you to get rid of such feelings but how?

There is not much work for you to do in this regard. You may say SORRY  to your child and explain to her why you were rude or indifferent according to her age level. Even if the child is two years old, she will listen to you carefully and respond empathetically. This is most important for both of you to resolve the issue as early as possible; otherwise the gap of misunderstanding would become too huge to settle down.

Unique Diversity Of Perceptions

Figure and ground relationship is very common among gestalt psychologists. It is one of the most popular laws of visual perception which states that figure-ground organization is a type of perceptual grouping that is a vital necessarily for recognizing objects through vision. It is known as identifying a figure from the background ( cited in wikipedia).

Without any background, vision is not complete. Even blank or white background plays its vital role in our perceptual understanding of the objects.

figure and ground image

see more on:

What do you think this picture is about:

  1. two girls’ faces.
  2. Two child’s faces
  3. A vase
  4. A marble building
  5. A sketch of faces
  6. A sketch of a tomb
  7. Two men’s faces
  8. A glass
  9. A door’s interior
  10. Reflection in the mirror
  11. Two friends’ faces
  12. Enemies faces
  13. Black children faces
  14. White children faces
  15. Indian faces
  16. Any thing else

These are only examples. You may create any meaning from the above picture. Your perception is yours and there is no guideline to perceive this picture in one particular way. You are the author of your own unique picture. Everybody in this world would create a different perception about this picture ; about other pictures ; and about every other scene of this world. There are countless perceptions of the same picture indeed; rather more precisely there are countless perceptions of the same concept in this world.

Similarly there are countless expressions of the same perceptual image. When we perceive some information, we interpret it in our brain and express in some ways. We, no doubt, do it automatically, unconsciously and systematically. Our actions, then, depict some portions of our perceptions. Thus, each one among us, carries a distinct and separate way of expressing its unique perception. No two expressions are similar to each other; though could share some of the features and manifest them fully. Just like our faces that can resemble to someone fully while sharing some of the traits too; but we are unique in our personality from many other aspects. Our perceptions are alike.

What a great amount of perceptions we hold! Incredible human perceptions and their related expressions make us truly a unique being in this world. Whether you are a lay man, a teacher, a business man, an artist, a skilled worker, a nurse, a gate keeper, a leader, an organizer, a manager, a student, a sweeper, a lecturer, a dentist, a doctor, or a scientist; you are unique in your perception. You do not need to collect references to support you or collect examples to validate your view point; you are already unique. Your attitude, emotion, interpretation and beliefs can never match or compete. Your ways are yours and you are responsible for them. Though you may blame someone for guiding you in a wrong direction; but the last decision was yours to take a step ahead. So it is you who perceived wrong. Step back and take charge of your perception. Honor your perception being unique and subtle; the world will honor you in return.