relationship

Feel Good Therapy

 

Have you ever seen flavored juices in markets, flavored sweets and flavored yogurts in markets? Usually, they are only flavored, not real. When we talk to someone without feelings, we become those flavored products. We are not real. We are not pure. We are fake and unreal. Our deeds are not accountable without our feelings. So are we.

Let’s taste a real treat with actual flavors. It will taste real sweet, salty or fantastic compared to the artificially flavored food. So you also taste like that. If you speak with feelings, you are perceived fully with taste. If you speak with no feelings, you will taste nothing. You might be misperceived or perceived wrong.

When we talk about relationships, feelings become the most important ingredient. Without feelings, relationships don’t survive or only survive. However, their charm, attraction, and beauty fade up. We don’t feel good in return. We look unhappy, stress full and lethargic. We miss the real fun and quality time.

Feelings are very important to maintain one’s life fully. If you neglect your real feelings and always try to take care of others feelings – you are on wrong track. To get the real taste of life, you must feel good. When you feel good- you perceive good and in return, you enjoy the harmony of goodness between you two. Therefore, feel good is as important as to look good.

One should also take care of others feelings. Without taking care of others feelings, one is never able to respond accordingly/appropriately. In the end, both suffer a lot due to misperception or misunderstanding. So to establish any relationship, it is a vital part to express one’s feelings truly and understand other person’s feelings as well. Feelings play a great role in keeping your relationships alive, healthy and happy.

Usually, people go for rich experiences to feel good. However, experiences between man and environment could not make us happier than the happiness we cultivate from sharing feelings of love, empathy, and kindness with our friends, intimate partners, or relatives (whom we belong).

The good news is that you can work on it. You can find new ways to express your feelings and seek for clues to understand other person’s feelings. You can plan new shared experiences to feel better and improve your relationships. One moment of true feelings of love is always better than a long lived happily married life without any feelings of love.
Be Cheerful and Happy always.

 

Parental Emotional Support in Time can Prevent Children from being Emotionally Abused in Future!

There is no doubt that parents are supposed to take care of their children all kinds of needs: physical, security, esteem, social, educational, economic and emotional ones. In our culture( the culture of Pakistan), emotional needs are very much neglected by the parents consciously or unconsciously. You can, however, learn how to fulfill your child’s emotional needs by following the simple rules listed below:

  1. by exploring their emotions on various subjects and asking them what they felt over; how they would like to be treated; what is good; what is bad; if this would happen, what are they supposed to do? what is more important? What is least important? What is good for them and what is bad for them? In this way, you could explore your children’s emotional sphere in depth and guide them accordingly.
  2. by giving them plenty of opportunities to boost their self-confidence. Remember, if your child is shy and passive in nature; it is not your neighbor’s responsibility to make her social. You have to be social first, have social interactions and set an example for your child to make her social. Having friends is always good for children. They should be encouraged to have a healthy friendship, social interactions, and maintain a rich social life. However, some children by birth are of shy nature. They should also be provided enough experiences to boost their confidence level and to overcome social anxiety if they have.
  3. Whenever your child is low in emotions; it should not be ignored. Please talk to your child if she is kept lying on her bed since long or she is in a bad mood, or she is being emotional in any way.
  4. Keep an eye on your child’s big events. Big events don’t mean ‘birthdays’ or ‘kids’ day’, or ‘new year day’; rather it means what your child is passionate about; what she longs for; and what she adores. If it is something odd, strange or worrisome-discuss, discuss, and discuss a lot about it. It is kind of poison that should not stay in the body for a long time; otherwise severe consequences would occur.
  5. Many parents claim that they are the friend of their child, whereas in real life it seems as if they are not even in a healthy relationship. Where lays the problem? In fact, there is no consistency and fluidity in parents’ behavior. They usually behave well in a good mood but bad in a bad mood as well. So they loose trust on their children. Like a boss who is good in good time and worse in a bad mood. Friends are not like this. They need to maintain a very consistent temperament throughout their life to maintain a very healthy relationship with their friend. On the opposite side, it does not mean you should be nice and kind all the time; rather you should be firm, passionate, encouraging, persistent, and a secure guide all the time- like teachers to some extent. Rather you can be friendlier to them – more than teachers in your capacity but at the same time more persistent and flexible. One thing more, if you think that you can replace friends of your child’s life, you are wrong. You can be ‘like friend’ but not ‘friend’ indeed.

So emotions of your child should be regulated, trained, maintained and nurtured very carefully, passionately and regularly. In the end, they will not only become your friends, rather will become good decision makers, nation builders, leaders, helpers, persistent and consistent workers, brave and brilliant students, courageous and social human beings in future.

 

Rukhsati in Pakistan (part 3)

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courtesy to google images

 

When things change in the beginning, the whole story of life is changed. When you find the best quality seed, you are sure of a plant with beautiful eye-catching flowers. When you make the base strong and firm, you are sure of the reliability and grandeur of the building. On the opposite note, when your seeds are damaged, abused or rotten; how can they grow up a plant of healthy fruits or flowers? When your base is weak, faulty or below standard, how can you expect a reliable, durable and persistent building in future? Certainly, you are going to suffer a lot if you are not careful and vigilant in the beginning of your child’s life!

Psychologists agree on this fact that your child does not need lots of toys each day; your child does not need lots of games (on iPad or tablet ) every other moment ; and your child does not need lots of interactive activities every other hour or your child does not need to eat lots of food items to stay healthy, to grow into a happy, healthy and strong human being. Rather your child needs your attention(as a parent), responsiveness, and unconditional love more than any other thing. Your child needs a conducive environment where she could learn and enrich her capabilities fully. Your child needs your unbiased and true everlasting care and concern.

When your child listens from you or others about her, ‘ I wish her good luck more than any other thing’, she fears a lot. She starts fearing of unknown, uncertain events and a life without having the support of parents ( in Pakistani society there is no other support available to people generally specially to girls). Her status as a guest is established in her mind at the age of 5 or so. Though she is quite hopeful about her future; however she concentrates on more her future husband than her own particular interests and career. She starts living in dreams (that never come true) and finds comfort in them. This is the lifestyle that society imposes on the child even in the age of toddlerhood!

Nevertheless, girls are very much brainwashed on this issue. When they attend ceremonies, they are properly educated about their future-oriented customs in which one day she will have to leave her paternal home. She is being prepared for the big event! She is often reminded that her education and career do not matter a lot as compared to her cooking, washing, cleaning and other home skills. If she is too good in education; she is often not encouraged to have big dreams ; if she is not good in education, she is often not prepared to get some special skills to earn her living. In both cases, her status is not more than a pretty girl who is looking for a well educated, smart and strong husband. Her education is a mean to achieve this dream, not the ultimate goal.

The parents usually take charge of the marriage of their daughters and take them as a burden if for any reason, they cannot find a suitable groom for them in time. Therefore, girls have the right to live with their parents only until they are married; otherwise, they will only be accommodated with half heart! Even divorced, widows, or separated women face lots of discrimination while staying in their parent’s home after marriage.

The husbands and in-laws know very well that the daughter in law has no option left in case of separation or divorce. They with their heart and soul exploit their daughter in law and wife in most of the cases. This very homelessness ( no support from parents) make the girls do sacrifice, tolerate, and patiently face abuses of all types until death! The level of pain might be different and vary from person to person; however it is still there in the hearts of girls forever. Many times such feelings are so unconsciously and silently penetrated that no one blames on anyone!

 

 

 

Stop Abusing Your Kids!

Abuse is a wide term that can start from a little humiliating joke to threatening a person to death. Every individual perceive it differently and silently! However, a general rule of thumb is that it is some feeling that you bear out of being abused from someone you know. Parents are not free from this kind of allegation as some of us definitely abuse their children. How can a parent abuse his child? There are many ways to abuse a child in which some are
being short listed below:

a. When a parent deliberately ignores his child’s needs such as cleaning, washing, feeding, cuddling and teaching..
b. When you see a child in danger and do not react in the best possible way to help the child whether it is your or someone else’s.
c. When you teach your child how to harm others, how to tell a lie, how to create fuss or how to make mess- you are abusing her.
d. When you do not stop your child from being aggressive, being crazy, being obsessive, or from being selfish. In each case, it is your duty as a parent to teach your child about her possible negative behavioral consequences.
e. When you teach your child about wrong, negative and harmful traditions of your society. Your child is not supposed to fulfill demands of society’s unhealthy and cruel traditions if there are any.
f. When you do not give your child a sense of confidence that she could share her feelings with you; you are abusing her. She will not feel secure unless you make her feel secure by your behavior and verbal assurance.
g. When you leave your child in a stressful situation to punish her. It is also a kind of abuse if your child is innocent and not getting what you mean.
h. When you force your child to sit with people she does not like or when you force your child to talk to people she does not like to talk to. You are not supposed to force your child to do anything unless her safety and security is compromised in doing so.
i. When you leave your child with others whom you are not sure if they would provide enough care to your child.
j. When you threat your child to leave her alone or any other kind of threat!

These are all passive abusive behaviors that most of the parents unconsciously adapt. It is always good to see our attitude in terms of abusive language; sometimes we can modify our role and become a good parent!

Pure Relationship!

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The life is All about Choosing purity In everything. It might be flowers, fragrances, stones, food, Clean water, pure Cotton, leather, crystal, gold, pure glass, pure environment, or It might be any Pure Product and your pure Emotions. Emotions we all understand, could also be either pure or contaminated. We do them Consciously or unconsciously- when we exaggerate, put stress on something, hide something, or make others believe on something; we are not pure.We are not pure when we focus on something or ignore something for some cause. We have to be as simple and pure as possible.  If we aim at making Strong relationships, it is pertinent to reflect simplicity of emotions. Otherwise We will be getting What we are Reflecting.  If you have a lot of make up, you will see faces with same make up! If you are pure,will be able to communicate better, Understand better and go further into deep relationships…..  Children are the best examples for pure expressions, pure Emotions, natural expressions and feelings. They do not care what others think about their spontaneous actions and emotions; they express what they are; they behave as they feel like; they are less concerned about social media and more about their own preferences and choices. We might need to get a lesson from them if we are overly concious about the public.

It is pure relationship advice that never proves wrong!

Thanks For Your Feedback-I Am Greatly Honored

This word is usually used in researches where we are more interested in taking feedback from our participants. Some researchers use the feedback as an integral part of their whole work and keep it as original as it could be. Then, in today’s modern world, many online businesses need their customers’ feedback to improve their products and to progress in the right direction. Rather, it has become an integral part of each business online, so much so, many businesses flourish successfully only due to a continuous positive high, and consistent feedback from customers like eBay, Amazon and many others.

To see the definition of feedback please check the link below:

http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/feedback.html

It states that “the process in which the effect or output of an action is returned (fed-back) to modify the next action. Feedback is essential to the working and survival of all regulatory mechanisms found throughout living and non-living nature, and in man-made systems such as education system and economy. As a two-way flow, feedback is inherent to all interactions, whether human-to-human, human-to-machine or machine-to-machine.”

When we use the feedback in an educational setup we usually call it reinforcement (positive and negative) that strengthens the behavior of students and modify the behavioral constructs. For example: Good grades, medals, stars, label, honorary remarks, titles and sometimes monetary benefits such as gifts, scholarships and free memberships. All are being used as a kind of reinforcer to encourage the students to learn more in the most productive manner and continue with the learning process.

However, my focus is on our emotional life which lacks feedback seriously, and keeps us from growing in rich relationships. We ask for help, get help and say thank- nothing more. We discuss ideas and concepts with friends and colleagues, get a relevant one to apply for, get the desired results and never return to those friends to say what they have said has physically been implemented by you. We go to see someone or invite someone, meet passionately and enjoy the company a lot, say, ‘see you soon’, and never call back to say how we felt in the last few days! We usually forget about the most important part of the relationship-Feedback.

Realistically, it could be anything from a simple, ‘thanks’, ‘gesture’, ‘expression’  to a nice compliment. However, in the long lasting relationships (intimate partners, parent-child, siblings, relatives, friends), it should be more than that. Consider the following statements:

What you did to me was awesome indeed………..

  1. I found the gift a superb one that could fulfill……
  2. I tried your idea and it helped me a lot in completing……
  3. Last night your dress was too elegant and graceful to make me…
  4. I am still thinking about the way you were doing that….
  5. How did you do that? It was fantastic and unbelievable…

Conclusively, usually we say ‘thanks’ for most of the time yet forget the afterward feedback required that is an additional ‘thanks’ in the form of a nice compliment after utilizing someone’s gift, idea, or after any shared delightful charitable experience. On the contrary, when we are reminded about our mindful gifts, thoughtful ideas, concerned suggestions, great company, sweet nature, nice habits, creativity, intelligence, beauty, simplicity, trustworthiness, spontaneity, and other relevant traits; we are much pleased for such a recognition and great concern. So keep it up please!

The Approach: Half Glass Full

Today I was thinking about one situation and many observations at the same time.

Have you ever considered that the situation you are in, seems a heaven to others belong to you. Or the opposite: you dream a life that others are living with a heavy heart. This is because we are looking at us with the negative mindset and others with a prejudice mind. The people we wish to be alike must have their own dreams, aspirations, hopes, desires, and wishes to come true. This is an example of contradictory angles of thinking about others and our lives!

Although it seems very simple to become positive, realistic and as much natural as possible, but it is not that simple to apply in our real life with faith and honesty. Let’s take an example in this regard:

Mother is teaching her child and the child is no more interested in reading or writing (reason whatsoever). Mother is insisting on her to be serious in the study. The child is annoyed and messy and rude to some extent. In the mean time, she attends a call and on the inquiry, replies that:

My child is being stubborn and is not behaving any more………..

My child is making me angry and not doing the homework properly…

My child is creating fuss between me and her…..

My child is just like her father – the same rigidity in behavior

My child is very intelligent; never concentrates on one thing at a time….

My child is really hyper and behaves like an adult……… wow

My child is playing with me……………

My child is too naughty and rigid …

My child becomes bore at home,,,,,,,

My child is missing her father, that’s why doing silly things….

My child is feeling lonely, so could not study with motivation….

My child is just like me, never takes the study seriously,,,,,

My child behaves like a scientist who never liked doing homework at home….

My child is just a pain in my ass………………..

You can see different women express the same childish behavior differently, in a different mood, with different strength, and with different intentions. In fact, our mood depends on things like:

Where we are living and what our immediate environment is

Whom we are talking with.

What we want to share at that particular time…

What we want for our children in the future….

How we protect our children…

How we spoil our children…..

How much stressful we are…..

How much in peace, we are….

What is our education level…..

What is our educational background…..

There could be any reason behind our mood; yet it heavily targets our children. In the above situation, the reply that reflects that you are trying to teach your child and she is not in the mood yet would be sufficient. The child should understand that she needs to behave properly to learn. If you are tired of the efforts being made for your child, take a break! Do not overemphasize the situation to make you vulnerable to stress, anxiety and depression in the end!

The same is true with other relationships: husband and wife, between siblings, among relatives, between friends, between boss and employee, and between God and us. In each situation, we need to learn how can we describe the situation positively and meaningfully instead of making it a deal for others. We can approach any event of our life with a big smile and great attitude; otherwise our negativity and ignorance would make our life miserable and vulnerable.

Thanks

Things look beautiful in shops!  

Have you ever noticed things look more beautiful in shops than viewing them at home after having a purchase?

Have you ever found someone more attractive at a distance than sitting beside him/her and have a wee chat?

Have you ever thought about the girls you adore, would become little less attractive after getting married to you (or vice versa)?

Given the fact that things lose their attraction when we find them closer and closer day by day. By nature, we cannot focus on the same object for the whole of life. We keep on changing our priorities and shifting our attention as per our needs and requirements. This is very much aligned with our innate characteristics by birth. However, there could be some exceptions in this regard too.

Now, before going for a shopping, could you imagine you have already done it. If so, then what are your feelings? If you cannot imagine, what are your feelings after having a purchase? What are your feelings after spending some time with your favorite thing? What are your feelings after a month of purchasing your favorite thing? You must have forgotten what were your feelings when you purchased something you used to fancy. So this is a continuous loop of wishing, feeling happy, and then wishing again for something else.

What about having a date with someone you love the most? Do you feel a lack in your relationship after spending some time together? If yes, you are taking people like things with whom you will be used to. If yes, then you should be very careful in selecting them for a relationship, as you get bored easily, even with humans.

People are not, like things- they grow in terms of age, experiences, knowledge, attitudes, emotions, and the list is never ending. So we never get used to and look for another. However, it is worth considering that we need to improve our relationships for not being sick to each other. The more areas of mutual interest, we explore among our relationships, the better it is for us. Otherwise, things will start deteriorating and get stuck.

Nature has protected us from being stuck in a relationship through a cool process of parenting and upbringing the children. After becoming parents, couples share many things together – thus moving forward together while focusing on the same object (e.g. Children). With children, we grow together and never get bored!

Nowadays, marketers are exploiting our emotions very wisely in terms of upgrading the software, products and attractions. We purchase them and upgrade them- thus are less likely to get a feeling like stuck. Things keep on changing, and we are never completely used to them. Things that cannot be upgraded; usually lose their attraction very soon.

 To conclude, we need to upgrade things (traits) in us to survive in the market  through various strategies like:

  1. Learning new things/ fields
  2. Having new experiences
  3. Meeting new people
  4. Visiting new places
  5. Creating new horizons

When we stop doing upgrading, we are stuck. We are used to ourselves first and then with others. Therefore, to get a long, healthy life, it is very important to continue with the change outside and inside. It is something we all are doing unconsciously with the help of evolutionary laws; it is something we need to improve too through effort and hard work.

No Perception Is Universal!

The law of closure in which we tend to see the incomplete figures as a whole while ignoring gaps and missing spaces. This popular law of gestalt psychology, shape our over all perception indeed. We, not only perceive pictures as a whole, rather every thing as a whole. By nature we do not like to perceive gaps in our perceptions or we believe that our perception is perfect whatever it is. Therefore, in spite of looking at a disordered picture, we convince our self that the picture is complete, with no fault. To help you making a concrete picture of the law of closure, please have a look on this page:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestalt_psychology

 Movies are good examples. When we watch a movie, we know a little about characters and their status; even then we believe in our perception and imagine the story is real. We try to fill all the gaps, errors, and loop holes while watching a movie silently. This is our nature and we cannot go beyond that. If the movie is a real pain in ass, we will try to collect all relevant information to convince ourselves that the movie is not worth watching. In either case, we will try our best to cover the missed information and believe in the fake story presented in the movie.

This law creates many emotional/relationship problems when we are shown a few traits of our friends or relatives and we perceive them as a whole. Suppose you see a person who always greets you and talks nicely on phone. You can quote a few other things with his reference and that’s all. Now as far as personality traits are concerned they are countless and perceived in thousand ways by different people in different timings. You only know a little about your friend if you ask any psychologist about it. However, you have made your perception and that is not going to change through any rational argument. This is your nature – perceive things as a whole.

By contrast, when we try to perceive things correctly, our own perception is considered faulty and distorted among our family members and friends. In this case, you may argue that your friend is nice when his mood is high or on the day his pay arrives in the bank; on other days, he is little rude and clumsy. You could even analyze more correctly and precisely but that means you are not very much with your friend. There are many chances that your friend would keep you away from his list of friends. So the truth is that people not only perceive the information as a whole (whether it is faulty, incomplete or fake) rather like them to be perceived as a whole in the eyes of others.

We hate criminals due to their crimes but we actually do not know how many good deeds they have also completed so far.  As we know a few crimes of a person, we make the picture of his whole personality instantly and believe on that till our last breath. When we hate someone for some reason, we cannot say we hate him for that reason only; otherwise we love him. Either we love someone or not, we hate someone or not; we cannot do both at the same time with full logic. All of our perceptual tendencies force us to believe in one reality and leave the other distracters, dissimilarities, and ambiguities.

This is true not only in relationships, rather we want to perceive the Higher Power ( the God) as the only one without any fault and limitation. In all over the world, in almost all the religions, people believe in such power and fill in the blanks themselves. Their perception about the god is complete, with no question mark and suspect. This is our true nature and we just cannot go against it. The people who find errors in their concept of believing in God, simply leave the idea. They do not believe in God. However, we cannot find people who claim that they believe in God in these matters and under specific circumstances and do not believe in Him in these cases. This is harsh but indispensable truth ; either we believe or not!

 What is this discussion all about? It is to convey you that you cannot perceive the whole person in your whole life exactly in the way you need to perceive. You will only join the  dots ( those you are exposed to)  and make a picture in your mind according to your rules of perception. When your perception is so faulty, how can you trust on it? When you cannot trust on your perception; how can you say that that person is going to be a loving partner in your future life? Crazy thought! Is not it? You are badly trapped and your mind is still not convinced on the logic I have just given. That is why it is said that what we see is usually what we want to see. There is no formula to check other person’s behavior crystal clear and that is a blessing in disguise!

What do you think if we are able to see things in parts ( not as a whole) with respect to their attributes, limitations, and faults? Should we , then, able to love anything/anyone around us so purely and genuinely?

Save Your Time And Look For Everlasting Relationships

When you go for shopping, you come across many products of your choice and you choose something that you like obviously in terms of beauty, quality, and price. When you have no choice available, you go to the item you are in need of. When there are some choices, you do a little comparison of price, brand and quality. You pick one that fits in your criteria. The point I want to raise here is that some of us go for the quality irrespective of high price; some go for the design of the product and ignore the other features; some go for the price and ignore other traits ; and we all adopt different criteria for different products in different timings. Our ultimate decision is very much satisfactory or we regret that and promise for the future awareness. We learn from our bad shopping habits and try to improve our list by adopting different strategies with respect to our knowledge of various brands and their relative quality traits.

However, in human relationships, there is less time left to amend our decisions. When we take a wrong decision in relationship, we have to suffer for longer and the after facts are everlasting in many cases. Whether you are young and in a relationship or in the process of establishing a good relationship; your little decisions in the matter contribute a lot in your future level of overall happiness and satisfaction. Once you start experiencing wrong things, your energy, enthusiasm and potential start deteriorating day by day and in the end many would collapse. That unfortunately is unacceptable and worse outcome to achieve in life.

Suppose you are a product and you want others to like you for what you are- how would you convince others to do that? Simply by showing your personality traits, attitudes, habits and emotions. But what if they like your face, body, and height! These are good pretty awesome traits of your personality, but very much deceiving and critical in terms of relationship. When someone would start living with your outer self; you might be in trouble after some time. As the other person’s relationship with you is not based on sharing something together rather attracting a body for a while. Thus, there are chances that you will go for a break up very soon! This is true to you as well, if you are going for the outer beauty of the other person. Here from outer beauty I mean anything that you could see from your naked eyes: body, job, wealth, health, successes, social life, status quo or anything alike.

On the opposite side, when you go for the inner beauty, for some specific attitude, for some unique emotional quality of a person; there are ample chances to win the game. As you are going for the long lasting traits of the product; you might not get bored and look for anything else very soon. There might be something else that you do not like or that surprise you in someone when you start living with that; but the situation would not be as intense as that in the first case could go.

Therefore, if you want your partner to look inside you for a long time; you are advised to see inside others too. When you would select a humble and honest inside  as well as show your inner clear and empathetic – your partner would appreciate it. When you show outer side and look for outer beauty; you attract the same quality in your partner and in the end, both smash bluntly to break-up or to live together forcefully.