Social Life

Neechey Lagna – a toxic concept of Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In Pakistani culture, many sayings/ concepts have taken the place of cultural things, and people consciously/unconsciously accepts them and adopt them in their life. One of those concepts is, “ to be overly obedient to your wife” ( beewi key neechey lag jana). It means that if someone is taking care of his wife’s needs, paying attention to her desires, respecting or following her wishes- he is not a real ‘Man’. So much so, people think that the real Man should control his wife, never pay attention to her to prove his masculinity, and should rather treat her harshly so that he could stand up in society with pride and dignity. Men usually make the joke of other people who strive to keep their families happy and in peace. These men not only control their own families by the fake conceptual concept of masculinity rather don’t tolerate others breaking such laws by criticizing them by all means.

According to this concept, men who take care of wife’s relatives; men who take care of children in the absence of wife; men who do house chores if wife needs them; men who provide help to their sick wives; men who share some wife’s responsibility at home; men who take their family outside to leisure purposes; men who shares their secrets with their wives; men who spend more time at home with their wife and children; men who prefer their family to any one else and men who considers their wife’s opinion before deciding about any thing of future are all come under this category. Unfortunately, these men are not appreciated rather judged very negatively by the society members as well as their relatives. These men fight for being good with their families, struggle to behave nicely against the demands of society and force themselves to live happily with their families as the community is entirely against them and their attitude!
On the other hand, men who maintain the concept of Manhood, control their families through various ways:

a. They would never listen to their spouse.
b. They are never willing to help their partner even in time of severe need.
c. They spend much time with their friends rather than wives
d. They never offer a hand to their wives even when they are sick
e. They expect their wives should do all for them from cooking, shopping, cleaning till child caring and earning.
f. They feel no obligation towards their wives and children.
g. They think they will lose their masculinity if they play with their kids often.
h. They are afraid of being a ‘bad man ‘ in the eyes of society

The main problem is that people don’t understand what the best behavior in the eyes of God is. They follow their own rules and put their lives in trouble. The above concept of ‘neachey lagna’ or to become overly kind to someone is entirely wrong and means nothing at all. One should behave nicely with his/her family irrespective of the societal standards ( if they are false and abusive in nature). One should prioritize his/her family needs and prefer it to anything else in life with no guilt and worry. Being kind, caring, loving, friendly, and helpful is never wrong, no matter what the reason is. If doing sacrifice to your family is valuable for women, it should also be worthwhile to men. Men respecting their families are fabulous indeed; men controlling their families are fake and destructive in nature. We, being a part of a vigilant society, should speak against such concepts and promote more nice and worthy ideas instead.

Envy for being Your Daughter!

I love my daughters as much as I love my sons. I could never imagine anybody gives any harm to them in any form. I will always protect them. There is no excuse or reason why could not I listen to their heart and support them in life. My first priority is my kids and then others.
One of my daughters is married and living in her own home that she bought a few years back. She can come to see me anytime and the same is with me- I can go to her house anytime. My son-in-law often visits me and helps me in house chores just like he helps his mom in his parents home. We don’t mind visiting each other many times. We don’t follow any custom in this regard. Daughters and sons live their own independent life. They get married by their own choice and live in their own independent home. Though they can live with their parents; anyhow it is usually not very practical. It all depends on the circumstances where one chooses to live! Our sons are brought up just like girls. They don’t feel shy in doing house chores and helping their moms and dads. We don’t discriminate among kids based on gender. Girls can have as many friends as boys. Girls can move freely everywhere in the country. Girls are secure and happy. They know how to follow their dreams and parents never stop them rather help them in achieving those. We don’t spend lavishly in marriages. We, men and women, enjoy the freedom of choice, abundance, care, support, and dignity while living together. We even don’t discriminate between professions; for us, all professions are equally valuable. A sweeper is as respectable as the head teacher. I will not mind if my daughter ( a doctor) would choose a boy ( only high school pass) for her partner. We are quite open minded people. We don’t force anything on anybody. Everyone has his own weaknesses and strengths so we should tolerate each other differences. Yes, we don’t allow someone causing any kind of harm to anyone: psychological, emotional, physical, financial, social or sexual. We protect each person from being abused. We live happily with each other or don’t live with abusive partners. There is no need to be quiet and sacrifice. Our society is full of love, respect, harmony, dignity, freedom, happiness and growth. We celebrate our development together. We enjoy life fully!

These words are not mine. These words are words of almost every women in the UK. I met a new person each day and find that she is so much happy, secure, free and rich. We, living in Pakistan, couldn’t even imagine such a luxury in life. No drama, no trauma, and no abuse at all. If you find some news contradictory to what I said- they are not many. Most of the women are living a peaceful life from all backgrounds. So, should we ever give our traditions and customs the second thought to modify to the overall good!

To Crazy, Hardworking, Housewives​!

TAKE A BREAK!

WHEN YOU HAVE LESS TIME TO ENJOY; YOU WILL ENJOY MORE!

Enjoyment is basically very relative term. Our brains are designed to enjoy when we have certain limitations. They might be limitations of time, energy, or space. For example, when we take a short break after a long hard work; we enjoy our little break more than the full day off. Similarly, we enjoy the ‘day-off’ more than the weak holidays. Here, I am focusing on the housewives who totally devote their time to house affairs and kids. Obviously, they find time to take rest occasionally but at the same time their job is never ending and seems to continue forever! People would never regard their work as a real work – rather they would think these women are either enjoying or wasting their time. So much so, these women don’t themselves recognize their efforts towards the humanity and universe overall. Many of these working women go into depression and become patients of anxiety and stress disorders. They find no outlet for themselves unless they seek for it with passion and motivation. Moreover, they are never appreciated on their traits by their close family members for being a hard worker at home, for being a sacrificing human at home, for being gentle and caring at home or for being restless at home!

If you think you are fit in these women’s general criteria and you are one of them then take a break. You don’t need to go ahead in your blind passion for house chores. There is no stop line and you will get nothing out of it. It is not an advertisement about money matters, financial freedom or requirement of the job by the job market. My concern is related to your mental health, self-esteem, and self-enhancement living within your limits and opportunities. If and for most of the time, you are free to choose your destiny; then throw yourself into the sea of unknown – outside. There are plenty of opportunities for you to choose from, to excel and to get adapted to. You should never ever choose to live under someone’s influence and control with no gain at all. This sounds crazy! Isn’t it! Yes, it is. Even if you feel tired and exhausted while doing two jobs at the same time, you are traveling towards your goals and not stagnant at one place!

In short, for the women of patriarchal cultures, women should take a break from the house chores and do something else to bring a change into their mental and physical lives. Otherwise, nobody will force them to do that. The culture, beliefs, and customs would keep them from real life situations and stop their energies to flourish. Such women should not rely on their fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons to take care of them in old age; rather they should take a step ahead to take care of themselves. And that is worth taking care! Such breaks would make them happy, calm and energetic than being lethargic, stuck and confused while doing lots.

THANKS 

Abusive cultural belief systems promote anxiety, depression, stress and suicidal tendencies

Our brains are full of thoughts, perceptions and memories. They often contradict with each other at various levels and try to win. Sometimes we are convinced and settled down, while other times, we just can’t make them organised and get stressed. Some times arguments win our hearts; while other times we lose! If I say that it’s all game of logical reasoning and clarifying ideas then nothing wrong in it. The ideas we like, we adore, we publish and act upon spontaneously. The ideas we don’t like, we don’t get; we don’t bother and  behave like that. Here I am talking about beliefs we really do not like, but destined to follow them due to cultural constraints and environmental limitations. Not only this, those beliefs are putting peoples’ lives at risk for depression, anxiety and stress disorders especially women’s lives are at risk for PTSD and many other traumas related to abusive conditions. 

In a terrible, abusive and negative environment, out thoughts, ideas and feelings are just not intact. We think very differently from the people around us. We live a life not according to our own standards; rather as per others values and beliefs. We call our weaknesses, our limitations and never dare to say ‘NO’. We confront to our own selves and convince ourselves that others are right whereas it’s not always true. Especially in an abusive culture, one feels quite helpless in proving his/her argument, no matter how right his/her point is. As usually all others around speak against you and try to make you to follow the traditions and customs(abusive in nature) blindly and quietly. 

There are many examples to quote. Like in some cultures women are not given their basic rights. They are supposed to perform /carry out many troublesome and annoying/odd/weird traditions in the name of religion and culture. And many times, they feel pressurised to do that in all circumstances. Such traditions go against women’s basic human rights; however no one questions it. For example, in some cultures,  many things women are not supposed to do like men due to their feminine nature; however women should be allowed to live a happy free life-like men. Women are not encouraged to live an independent life like men in some societies which is also an example of an abusive culture. Women are not encouraged to move alone and seek for their job;  also a sign of abusive environment.  Women are being married due to family pressures or girls are not given the same status at home like sons; and girls are supposed to do minor things and are not considered important in decision-making for family matters. All of these are examples of abusive and negative society where one could not do certain things ( otherwise positive and important) due to unhealthy and toxic belief systems inculcated in the social norms. how-you-beliefs-are-preventing-you-from-getting-through-4734_203x200

Rukhsati in Pakistan (part 3)

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courtesy to google images

 

When things change in the beginning, the whole story of life is changed. When you find the best quality seed, you are sure of a plant with beautiful eye-catching flowers. When you make the base strong and firm, you are sure of the reliability and grandeur of the building. On the opposite note, when your seeds are damaged, abused or rotten; how can they grow up a plant of healthy fruits or flowers? When your base is weak, faulty or below standard, how can you expect a reliable, durable and persistent building in future? Certainly, you are going to suffer a lot if you are not careful and vigilant in the beginning of your child’s life!

Psychologists agree on this fact that your child does not need lots of toys each day; your child does not need lots of games (on iPad or tablet ) every other moment ; and your child does not need lots of interactive activities every other hour or your child does not need to eat lots of food items to stay healthy, to grow into a happy, healthy and strong human being. Rather your child needs your attention(as a parent), responsiveness, and unconditional love more than any other thing. Your child needs a conducive environment where she could learn and enrich her capabilities fully. Your child needs your unbiased and true everlasting care and concern.

When your child listens from you or others about her, ‘ I wish her good luck more than any other thing’, she fears a lot. She starts fearing of unknown, uncertain events and a life without having the support of parents ( in Pakistani society there is no other support available to people generally specially to girls). Her status as a guest is established in her mind at the age of 5 or so. Though she is quite hopeful about her future; however she concentrates on more her future husband than her own particular interests and career. She starts living in dreams (that never come true) and finds comfort in them. This is the lifestyle that society imposes on the child even in the age of toddlerhood!

Nevertheless, girls are very much brainwashed on this issue. When they attend ceremonies, they are properly educated about their future-oriented customs in which one day she will have to leave her paternal home. She is being prepared for the big event! She is often reminded that her education and career do not matter a lot as compared to her cooking, washing, cleaning and other home skills. If she is too good in education; she is often not encouraged to have big dreams ; if she is not good in education, she is often not prepared to get some special skills to earn her living. In both cases, her status is not more than a pretty girl who is looking for a well educated, smart and strong husband. Her education is a mean to achieve this dream, not the ultimate goal.

The parents usually take charge of the marriage of their daughters and take them as a burden if for any reason, they cannot find a suitable groom for them in time. Therefore, girls have the right to live with their parents only until they are married; otherwise, they will only be accommodated with half heart! Even divorced, widows, or separated women face lots of discrimination while staying in their parent’s home after marriage.

The husbands and in-laws know very well that the daughter in law has no option left in case of separation or divorce. They with their heart and soul exploit their daughter in law and wife in most of the cases. This very homelessness ( no support from parents) make the girls do sacrifice, tolerate, and patiently face abuses of all types until death! The level of pain might be different and vary from person to person; however it is still there in the hearts of girls forever. Many times such feelings are so unconsciously and silently penetrated that no one blames on anyone!

 

 

 

Do You Feel Compelled To Do That?

What if you feel compelled to do something you don’t like?

What if you are bound to act in a certain way- you don’t want to?

What if you feel like to stop but can’t do it due to your circumstances?

What if you are not free to wear what you like to?

What if you can’t eat what you want to?

What if you can’t enjoy something you passionately want to?

There are countless things like the above that create depressive symptoms among us when we simply do not want to do that and we have to do that due to our so called limitations and circumstances. In such cases, psychologists have no option except to change your belief system. They would try to motivate you to see other angles of the problem rather than that you do not want to. However, it is not as simple as it seems- it deserves a hard work on your part to recreate a new building on the old remnants.

Suppose your spouse or boss likes you to wear red color in the party and you do not feel confident in doing so. Your perception of red color is not so good. You think it will look odd, funny and hot! You think this is not a better choice in any case. Your image would be spoiled among the public if you try it. So whatever is the reason; you are not willing to wear it to feel good, confident and attractive in the party. Now you have the following options to follow:

1.   Wear the red color as dictated by your boss and feel ashamed all the time.

2.   Do not wear the red color at all and make the boss angry.

3.    Wear something like half red and half blue or any other combination

4.    Wear red with confidence, pride, and pleasant feelings.

Suppose you choose option no 1.

It will make you vulnerable to depression, anxiety and stress symptoms afterwards.

Suppose you choose option no 2.

It will make your boss angry and you might get a challenging situation ahead. However, this option will make you strong, energetic and persistent in your choice and help you in dealing with similar situations in future.

Suppose you choose option no 3.

It will neither satisfy you nor your boss fully. However, there are chances that you too will pass the required time with great patience and will not disturb each other. However, this choice is the middle way that most of us adopt to lead our lives with caution and intellect.

Suppose you choose option no 4.

For the last and fourth choice, you must acknowledge the fact that your perception is wrong and you have to change it to see the desired results; otherwise you will have to make a compromise (that you do not want at all).

Now to change the perception of the red color is in itself a great deal. You have to remind yourself about the new, positive, and great impressions of the red color. For example:

1. Red is a color of life

2.Red is a color of luck in many countries of the world like china.

3.Red is a color of passion and love in psychology

4. Red is a color of energy and passion

If you are convinced about the new meanings of the color red; you will be the first person to choose red at first choice given to you. It will change your mindset, perception, and belief about the red color forever.

This technique is not limited to only ‘red-color’ ; rather it includes almost all the belief-based mental structures that provide great hindrances in our way towards the progress in work and psychological well being overall.

However, some beliefs or concepts, particularly those, based on religious teachings and cultural settings are too rigid to replace with other beliefs. And in most of the cases, we personally do not want to change them at any cost. In that case, it is more advisable to leave the situation that puts you in trouble of guilt and misery. We can fight with all kinds of troubles, hardships and mind-sets except a totally contradictory and challenging perceptual world.

Thanks

Evil Customs Encourage Crimes!

Customs are very much respected in the world, whether it is European culture or Asian traditional culture. They look beautiful and people maintain them for the sanctity of their feelings and for the respect of their culture overall. We also experience customs in our life in one way or the other. Like everyone else, we never question our customs; unless it is a real curse for the society. For many times, we overlook and continue with our lives while sharing customs with others. Life continues with peace and love.

However, in some of the societies of this world, there are some customs that prove unhealthy, harmful and crime. They are not beneficial and beautiful rather life threatening and ugly. Among these many dreadful customs, one is, ‘Rukhsati’ for the women; a custom that is very popular among Indian and Pakistanis. It is still in practice with great respect and love. You can just Google the word ‘Rukhsati’ and see the relevant pictures to get some idea.

As per Wikipedia definition, this is a somber occasion for the bride’s parents as they are departing their daughter from their home. It becomes an emotional scene when the bride says goodbye to her parents home and siblings to start a new life. See the whole definition. 1

This definition is not the complete interpretations of the concept that very systematically and unconsciously destroy a girls emotional and physical health. From the above definition, you might inquire the following:

a. Why is it a somber occasion?

b. Why is it an emotional scene?

c. Why do the girls say farewell to the home of her parents?

The answer is not very simple and state. A girl is constantly reminded in life about her ‘guestish’ (temporary) status  in her parents home. When a baby girl is born, parents either cry with anguish, pain, or wish the baby should have great luck and blessings in her life. Parents think the baby girls is a responsibility to bring her up with care and education to hand it over to the groom and say goodbye.

When a girl among her siblings behaves like a boy, parents usually remind her of her temporary status with them and say, ” how will you fulfill your desires in in-laws house where you have to spend your whole life”.

The concept of ‘rukhsati’ makes the girl think about her future home combined with future husband along with future parents (in-laws). She usually feels sorry for leaving her parents behind to get married. Sometimes it makes her uncomfortable, depress and vulnerable to certain disorders like moody, hyper sensitive, obsessive compulsive, social anxiety, depression, eating disorder, sleep disorder and many others.

When a girl actually marries; she is ready to go for it or die. She knows she is leaving her home forever or would come back with great guilt, bad luck and torture. Therefore, she is ready to sacrifice, obedience and face the challenges of life for that she is unknown still. Her mental and emotional state is weak and vulnerable!

The after marriage experiences depend on largely groom’s own personal characteristics. In the patriarchal society of Pakistan and India, man is very much dominated in home affairs. He decides about most of his life matters independently while keeping women (wives mostly) totally separate from his financial matters. When a girl becomes a wife, her husband along with his family members expects from the girls total obedience in terms of doing house chores, going out and about, getting jobs, and other trivial matters.

There could be a difference of opinion on this among families; as some educated families treat women with respect and love. However, it is common wisdom that wives will not Live in their parents’ home (being a great crime) in any situation in life.Mostly wives suffer many kinds of abuses: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, attitude abuse, physical abuse, and many more. Ironically, they do not accept it being an abuse victim until the day of death. They simply think they must be having some weak aspects of personality to deal with. They blame themselves and never talk about their rights.

You might think it is not the case with everyone; yet it is also true that the women in such cultures observe the custom ‘rukhsati’ with heart and soul to make them and their daughter’s life miserable and vulnerable!

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Pakistan#Rukhsati

Same Perspective Is Never The Same!

You know it is never the same ‘feeling’-

When you are going to pick a glass of water for someone

When you are going to pick a glass of water for yourself

When you are going to pick a glass of water in order to obey

When you are going to pick a glass of water under pressure (of your or your loved one’s health)

When you are going to pick a glass of water with great passion

When you are going to pick a glass of water to fill your need of great thirst

When you are going to pick a glass of water for your kid

When you are going to pick a glass of water for your enemy

When you are going to pick a glass of water to help someone in need

And whatever you could think in this regard.

Your feelings would bring a different vibration level for each event and it would never be the same. This rule applies to our each and every thing we do, feel, or think. We definitely feel different when we change the perspective. We perform the same task differently when the background has changed in our minds. We are doing the same thing; yet in a different way, with a different feeling, and with a different output too.  For outsiders, we are doing the same, but for a psychologist, it always depends on many things.

However, in our daily routine life, we share our feelings and argue with our friends on the similar tasks. We compare ourselves with others in terms of their results, feedback or emotions. We think we all are doing the same things, so the same results should occur. We never consider the perspective underneath someone is performing a special task.

This is not very simple to comprehend. Suppose for one person, love affairs are part of life and carry only 10% of importance in his/her heart. For another one, love affairs are life pyramids and one just cannot live a happy life without having a loving partner. For him/her, love carries 99% importance in life. Therefore, the phrase, ‘I love you’ would not carry the same meaning for these two individuals. In the same manner, when you see someone saying so and so, you think as if it is your perspective whereas it could be totally different from you. You will only translate the words in your brain as per your own dictionary, whereas, the other person might carry a different meaning with different perspective/standard for the same opinion.

When you get the disparity between our feelings, emotions, and sayings, you will never get hurt or surprised in your life. You will never believe on other persons verbal wordings, sayings, promises, or affirmations or you will believe on it with caution and care. In this way you will not only understand yourself rather would not misunderstand the other one.

Good Luck.

Reforms to get rid of Terrorism in Pakistan

In Pakistan Terrorism is flourishing very quickly and the government seems helpless and speechless on their attacks as you have seen 131 children and about 9 adults were killed in the Army Public School, Peshawar, on 16th Of December, 2014. Events of suicide bombers are not going to stop unless we do something decisive seriously against such cruel brutalities. However, here are some reforms that might help the Government to take some steps immediately- So Please:

1.   Do Not Send Children To School

It is always better to save life first. So if going to school is not safe in Pakistan, people should not send their children to schools. Though our next generation will not be educated, yet it will be alive! We need children’s safety first and then their degrees, jobs, and other things.

3.     Never Ever Become Part of Any social/religious group.

People should not gather in order to perform religious rituals or otherwise. Any group gathering would invite the terrorists to ignite the fire among them. Wherever, people are reciting Quran, offering prayers, or having fun; they are putting their and their children’s lives at risk. So please avoid any group activity in any case at your level best.

4.    Please Do Not plan children.

As in Pakistan, life is in danger, so it is better not to plan kids at all or until the situation is changed. At least in this situation, one must not put the children in danger. So I request parents stop planning children immediately for greater safety and peace in Pakistan.

5.    Stop Getting Married!

People should not arrange marriages until they are sure about their children’s safety and security. As it is obvious fact that after getting married, they would have children soon and again put them in danger! So it is wiser option not to do marriages for the sake of humanity.

6.    People must have right to kill Terrorists on the spot.

Ordinary people must keep weapons with them all the time to save their and others                      lives. As Pakistani police and other security systems are not enough to provide the                       security, now it is our duty to save ourselves. So it is better to equip ourselves with                     weapons to fight for our and our children’s life, against the terrorists any time.

7.      People should not move from one place to another unless it is a prerequisite. Rather                  public should be banned to leave their place for any type of gathering: conference,                      speech, workshop, match, party, function, or seminar.

8.             Police should check public thoroughly on each and every entry point such as: on

Hospitals, schools, universities, colleges, hotels, banks, and other public places.

To keep it up in practice truly, we need almost one third of population in

Police force.

9.       Although it would be much better to fix terrorist alarm system to awake our

Securities on time; but it seems over the ambitious goal as our prevailing                                     systems are too weak and old to carry out such operations.

10.      Last but not the least, we should be ready to face Death anytime; as we seem to be a                  coward, corrupt, lazy, cruel, dishonest and a cheater by our character and heritage. If                  not, then we might fight for our rights; as there is no other option left to us.

The last option is in your mind. Would you mind letting others know about it. I hope this would be the best solution to our problems. Please comment below with passion, hope and faith!

How can you improve your chances of being abused in an intimate relationship:

We all are victim of abuse in one way or the other in our life from someone at some particular point. Though we don’t fully understand the abusers in our society and could not recognize them at first glance; yet we could feel a little discomfort in their presence. We, in one way or the other, feel compelled to do something, guilt, being overly criticized, ignored or controlled or pressurized in our heart while confronting/obeying someone’s commands. This is known as abuse- more specifically emotional abuse. It is, in most cases, the abuser’s responsibility to have a check on his/her attitude and modify his/her behavior accordingly; yet it is also the abused one’s personal obligation towards his/her self to respond appropriately while being abused.

How can you trigger the abuse in your life – here are some examples that would suggest new angles to see the situation and make you alert in advance:

 The abuse would multiply if –

 You look too simple to deal with. When people think you are too good, too simple, and too polite; they will feel no threat in abusing you as much as they like.

  1. You ask with silly gestures and childish attitude- you are welcoming the unnecessary comments and the possible abuse from the black sheep.
  2. You are fulfilling the demands of the other person unnaturally; in this way you convey the message that you are the most obedient servant of him/her.
  3. You cannot say ‘no’ to someone who is crossing limits in dealing with you.
  4. You convey by your attitude that you never feel being degraded or humiliated or in other words, you welcome the abuse in your life.
  5. You keep silent on matters you should speak up or at least speak to someone to help you out.
  6. You remind others through your reactions that you have no self respect, self esteem and dignity to preserve so they can cross limits whenever they feel like.
  7. You never keep others in limits or you have no ethical limits to follow for yourself. You are not a man of principles.

 You ignore the abuse  in the first place, then it grows, and grows till the point, it is out of reach. So you should be very careful in dealing with an abusive relationship when it starts.

These are the simple guidelines to prevent abuse or abusive relationships in your life forever. When one is simply ignorant of the causes of the disease; he/she would never be able to carry out the precautions in advance. Thus, you are now aware of the disease ‘abuse’ and can put some checks on it in future. It will save you from many psychological and emotional disorders like depression, anxiety, guilt, hypertension, stress, sleeplessness, and ultimately suicidal and destructive tendencies. The most important is that you would be living an ‘abuse free’ life – a happy life.

Thanks