attitude

where attitude, habits, ​and virtues matter a lot!

Should I buy a quality product or a defected, unreliable, fake product? Surely the quality product, we all need!  Now it is little tricky one: what is quality product when it comes to deciding about the right man in marriage.

Some go for wealth, some go for status, some go for physique, some go for smartness, some go for gentleness, some care about family background, some care about family members, some value the area one is living, some value the wealth one has in banks, some consider the reputation one has among friends, and some would think about all traits!

Nothing wrong with that. But just remember that you can’t get all in one package. You have to lose something and get something else. And it is not there always as you expected before marriage. You have to compromise on many things – this is a very complicated relationship.

One thing for which at least I am not doubtful is the person’s innate nature- how he behaves with family members at home. Irrespective of all degrees, status, and wealth, if one is not capable of washing dishes to help his mum, he is not the person to consider even! If in spite of having the sexiest look, smart body and modern thinking, he is not ready to help you out in your time of need, you don’t need that man at all! If in spite of having a great future, big house and a large circle of friends on facebook, he is not likely to spend a few moments with you in your preferred manner, he is not worth being a husband of you!

Though these empathetic traits would come up after living together, not before living together; yet these are the most important traits in men who would prove a great partner for anyone of their choice.

In our patriarchal society of Pakistan, men need specific training on how to behave with their wives. As they come up with the background of ‘men’s superiority where men are much more superior to women, are not supposed to care, help or sympathize them in any romantic manner; they are not ready to show their sympathy to their women through caring attitude and helping them in doing house chores. They behave like kings and call their subordinates as they have servants at home in the name of the wives! Cruelty never ends here. Even they think they are privileged with special powers and rights to behave like that. They are very much spoiled and pampered to act aggressively with their family members. So such men whether they keep some of the above worldly traits or not must be rejected in deciding about marriage.

One cool tip is that you must check the man’s parents living style. If his mother is subordinate and submissive; reject him too.

The other tip is that you spend some time with the man’s family members and note their living style. Probably he will mirror his family lifestyle in his future. Spending time with him will not benefit you as much, as he could pretend a nice guy for a while to impress you.

Good Luck

Little_girls_and_Judo.jpg

When a girl is born in the UK, her parents welcome the child with flowers of love, care, and unconditional affection. Girl daughters feel very proud of being a daughter and start their life with great confidence and motivation. They are pleasantly taught about the rules of life in which they are expected to be educated as much as possible, to achieve a career to their satisfaction, and to live a happy life ever after. They are taught about the freedom they will enjoy in their life; they are taught about their rights ( right to move, right to dress-up, right to marry, right to re-marry, right to divorce, right to have kids’ custody, right to speak about their love and interests, right to save their life, right to leave a bad person’s company, right to live alone, right to speak for their rights, right to call police in time of danger, right to excel, right to live as per their wish). Girls are always their parent’s daughters like sons: no discrimination at all. Girls enjoy the same lifestyle as their brothers keep rather they are more valued and honored. Parents spend more on little girls and let them enjoy the games like judo, karate, gymnastic, swimming, boxing, and other skills even when they are 3 or 4 years old. Usually, girls show more energy and flexibility in these games! They are never given any message in which they would be fearful about their future husband, future home or future in-laws! They are never given any idea of ‘leaving home after marriage’, rather they can live forever with their parents if they would like. Girls are more protected in a sense they can live alone after they are grown up. They can choose their partner and get a divorce without having any ‘honor killing’ syndrome. They can very easily shut the door to their husband if he is harassing them or abusing them in any form.  They  are not mentally prepared for the house hold work in future ( for the husband and his family). They are not waiting for the prince to take them to his palace to protect them ( an imaginary theme). They are free to move anywhere in the world with peace of mind and happiness. They are free to choose any profession, any vehicle to travel, and any identity to own. They enjoy the support of their parents, culture, society and the government in each and every field of life. They are very much pampered and loved. 

    It does not mean there is no rape, no sexual or emotional abuse, no threat and no killing in this society. There are still some cases to report and to feel scared; however, they are not as much in quantity as much we ( in Pakistan) could note and publish. In each home of Pakistan, gender discrimination, gender differences, physical and emotional abuses, parental control ( negative )and female child neglect is very much prevalent. A female child starts her life with lots of mixed messages about her female role at home, in society and in her married life. She is supposed to adopt that role in her adult life irrespective of her education or career choices. She is very much forced to think in that particular way in which she is a female, a responsibility to parents, a subject of fear, a figure of special respect, a source of honor, a guest in her parents home, a person who will be living the life of her husband, a person who will leave her parental home for her husband’s home, a person who cannot live alone with respect and honor, a person who is less powerful than a man, a person who would always need a man to protect her, a person who is vulnerable to various traumas, a person who should be caring, loving and serving to others, a weak person and a weak decision maker. 

   

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Thus girls, even from educated and well-established families suffer a lot. They do not enjoy their life as they would if they were born in the UK ( or any other liberal society). They are very much oppressed and suppressed due to societal norms, traditions and customs. They even like those traditions and beliefs as the change would disturb their comfort zone. However, this is not what should continue as many of them are suffering a lot due to these discriminatory acts and thoughts,painful beliefs, cruel customs, horrible traditions, bizarre irregularities, injustices, emotional, physical and sexual abuses. Mostly women who suffer from such traumas in their childhood, are  very much vulnerable to anxieties, depression, and post traumatic stress disorders in their adulthood. So much so, suicidal thoughts are very common among such victims.

    Therefore, I request you ( if you are a parent) to please negate the beliefs that create any discrimination among your kids; ( if you are a girl) fight for your own rights or at least never accept any negative belief; (if you are a victim) speak about it on any forum you could and if you are in any capacity to protect someone you know- please go ahead and bring a change in society.

Thanks

courtesy to Google images

Rukhsati (part 2): a source of emotional and psychological abuse!

Rukhsai is a concept which means a girl is not supposed to live with her parents after marriage and should live with her husband and his family forever. This or the similar meanings exist almost in every home of Pakistan and India. When a girl is born, she is usually blessed with some statements like,” God bless her with great luck and destiny” which means that god give her a good husband and in-laws in future (otherwise her luck is bad luck and there is no future for her anymore). People focus upon girls husband more than the girl itself. Education of the husband is more important than the education of the daughter; job of the husband is more important; home of the husband is more important and family of the husband is more important than family of the girl (where the girl was born). When our daughters listen to such mixed messages, they start dreaming of their future in terms of their hubby and in-laws (in some cases). They do not dream about their own future in terms of their education, profession or own home. They deny owning/upgrading their parents home as it is like a guest house where they are living for a short period. They even have little right in making decisions about their own life and future as it is the property of their future husband! In many cases girls are forced to marry as it is good for their brothers coming marriages.  

What about a girl who wants to feel like a boy in her home ? She regrets why she is born in a female body. She simply does not like the idea of leaving home or leaving home for hubby.In this case, there is no solution. She has no choice – either go for a marriage or face the curses of family members! She will never be appreciated or encouraged by doing so, rather people will blame her for increasing problems for her parents. 

Given the fact that a girl is very much protected by this way; it is a continuous pain in some of the little hearts ( aged 0 to 16). Toddler girls are unable to understand the hidden message and take it the other way round. They feel they are less loved, less welcome, and less motivated in return. They start feeling that they are not like boys or boys have many privileges in society  that they lack. They appreciate their parents for being there for them always in spite of the fact they are not staying with them forever. They feel reluctant to choose difficult professions, difficult subjects, or difficult lines in life as it will increase burden on their parents shoulder. They feel they are unable to return their parents’ blessings in shape of living together, helping them and supporting them. They feel home sickness in the very young age; lack of security; fear of unknown; and absence of parents even in the company of parents. This is the biggest reason for being inactive, aggressive (in some cases), shy, moody, agitated, depress, anxious, worried, and self-centred or non-social. These problems would lead to further cognitive and  personality disorders.

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There are countless reasons for not giving such concepts to a female child. A child, boy or girl has equal rights upon parents even in case of conceptual background. Female child should not be discriminated against male child on the ground of living together with parents. Female child needs unconditional love as much as male child; female child should feel secure and completely loved like male child in every situation of life; female child should not be treated as she is lacking something as compared to male child in terms of rights and responsibilities; and most of all female child should be given the same space in the home as the male child throughout their life span! 

Note:

This article is written while keeping in view the Pakistani culture and customs.

Stop Abusing Your Kids!

Abuse is a wide term that can start from a little humiliating joke to threatening a person to death. Every individual perceive it differently and silently! However, a general rule of thumb is that it is some feeling that you bear out of being abused from someone you know. Parents are not free from this kind of allegation as some of us definitely abuse their children. How can a parent abuse his child? There are many ways to abuse a child in which some are
being short listed below:

a. When a parent deliberately ignores his child’s needs such as cleaning, washing, feeding, cuddling and teaching..
b. When you see a child in danger and do not react in the best possible way to help the child whether it is your or someone else’s.
c. When you teach your child how to harm others, how to tell a lie, how to create fuss or how to make mess- you are abusing her.
d. When you do not stop your child from being aggressive, being crazy, being obsessive, or from being selfish. In each case, it is your duty as a parent to teach your child about her possible negative behavioral consequences.
e. When you teach your child about wrong, negative and harmful traditions of your society. Your child is not supposed to fulfill demands of society’s unhealthy and cruel traditions if there are any.
f. When you do not give your child a sense of confidence that she could share her feelings with you; you are abusing her. She will not feel secure unless you make her feel secure by your behavior and verbal assurance.
g. When you leave your child in a stressful situation to punish her. It is also a kind of abuse if your child is innocent and not getting what you mean.
h. When you force your child to sit with people she does not like or when you force your child to talk to people she does not like to talk to. You are not supposed to force your child to do anything unless her safety and security is compromised in doing so.
i. When you leave your child with others whom you are not sure if they would provide enough care to your child.
j. When you threat your child to leave her alone or any other kind of threat!

These are all passive abusive behaviors that most of the parents unconsciously adapt. It is always good to see our attitude in terms of abusive language; sometimes we can modify our role and become a good parent!

Love your health – By Pass The Stress!

We are dealing with a great number of diseases directly or indirectly while living and sharing in the same environment in today’s modern era. In each part of our world, people are becoming victim of diseases and ailments consciously or unconsciously. Some are scary one like cancer and some are general like cold and flue. In the same way, we deal with lots of psychological ups and downs. But unfortunately very few among us recognize it and are fully willing to deal with them wisely. We are, for one excuse or another, not comfortable in expressing our true feelings to others especially the psychiatrists. If I say that psychological hurt starts first in many long lasting diseases than physical ones – I might not be totally wrong.

To forgive someone is very common good nature explained in almost every moral literature of the world. However, many among us, do not fully apply it in their lives. They feel hurt, feel depression, anxiety, and remain in the state of anger for years. Among them, many catch diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, gas problem or a constant headache. They simply do not understand what happened is solely their fault. As they never let the people hurt go!

When you are in stress, you carry a lot of weight on your body. Your body is not programmed to handle that much stress for such a long time. You think you are right in, feeling depressed, hopeless and sick being a true person. You might think you have no choice! The fact is, your sensitive heart or brain is no more ready to deal with your negative emotions and keep on transferring its burden to your body parts. That is why your head, back, knees, stomach, eyes, ears, blood pressure, and breath are being seriously affected. Nevertheless, you realize this fact until you get something in the form of a disease-chronic or acute. Ironically, it is not your luck rather you have purposefully established it!

So if you are facing some problem in life, become emotionally upset, living depression, and facing anxiety symptoms- with all your powers face your problems with a big hug and smile. Believe me, your health and happiness, is more important to your living and survival than any other thing in this world. On the other hand your stress is not going to make you stress-free!

Sometimes we do not learn things ahead. If this is the case with you, then go on with your stresses and keep your bad memories alive. Argue against the reality you are facing or destined to face. Being angry all the time will ask you a great price of health and at that time you will have no choice! Good Luck!

Same Perspective Is Never The Same!

You know it is never the same ‘feeling’-

When you are going to pick a glass of water for someone

When you are going to pick a glass of water for yourself

When you are going to pick a glass of water in order to obey

When you are going to pick a glass of water under pressure (of your or your loved one’s health)

When you are going to pick a glass of water with great passion

When you are going to pick a glass of water to fill your need of great thirst

When you are going to pick a glass of water for your kid

When you are going to pick a glass of water for your enemy

When you are going to pick a glass of water to help someone in need

And whatever you could think in this regard.

Your feelings would bring a different vibration level for each event and it would never be the same. This rule applies to our each and every thing we do, feel, or think. We definitely feel different when we change the perspective. We perform the same task differently when the background has changed in our minds. We are doing the same thing; yet in a different way, with a different feeling, and with a different output too.  For outsiders, we are doing the same, but for a psychologist, it always depends on many things.

However, in our daily routine life, we share our feelings and argue with our friends on the similar tasks. We compare ourselves with others in terms of their results, feedback or emotions. We think we all are doing the same things, so the same results should occur. We never consider the perspective underneath someone is performing a special task.

This is not very simple to comprehend. Suppose for one person, love affairs are part of life and carry only 10% of importance in his/her heart. For another one, love affairs are life pyramids and one just cannot live a happy life without having a loving partner. For him/her, love carries 99% importance in life. Therefore, the phrase, ‘I love you’ would not carry the same meaning for these two individuals. In the same manner, when you see someone saying so and so, you think as if it is your perspective whereas it could be totally different from you. You will only translate the words in your brain as per your own dictionary, whereas, the other person might carry a different meaning with different perspective/standard for the same opinion.

When you get the disparity between our feelings, emotions, and sayings, you will never get hurt or surprised in your life. You will never believe on other persons verbal wordings, sayings, promises, or affirmations or you will believe on it with caution and care. In this way you will not only understand yourself rather would not misunderstand the other one.

Good Luck.

Things look beautiful in shops!  

Have you ever noticed things look more beautiful in shops than viewing them at home after having a purchase?

Have you ever found someone more attractive at a distance than sitting beside him/her and have a wee chat?

Have you ever thought about the girls you adore, would become little less attractive after getting married to you (or vice versa)?

Given the fact that things lose their attraction when we find them closer and closer day by day. By nature, we cannot focus on the same object for the whole of life. We keep on changing our priorities and shifting our attention as per our needs and requirements. This is very much aligned with our innate characteristics by birth. However, there could be some exceptions in this regard too.

Now, before going for a shopping, could you imagine you have already done it. If so, then what are your feelings? If you cannot imagine, what are your feelings after having a purchase? What are your feelings after spending some time with your favorite thing? What are your feelings after a month of purchasing your favorite thing? You must have forgotten what were your feelings when you purchased something you used to fancy. So this is a continuous loop of wishing, feeling happy, and then wishing again for something else.

What about having a date with someone you love the most? Do you feel a lack in your relationship after spending some time together? If yes, you are taking people like things with whom you will be used to. If yes, then you should be very careful in selecting them for a relationship, as you get bored easily, even with humans.

People are not, like things- they grow in terms of age, experiences, knowledge, attitudes, emotions, and the list is never ending. So we never get used to and look for another. However, it is worth considering that we need to improve our relationships for not being sick to each other. The more areas of mutual interest, we explore among our relationships, the better it is for us. Otherwise, things will start deteriorating and get stuck.

Nature has protected us from being stuck in a relationship through a cool process of parenting and upbringing the children. After becoming parents, couples share many things together – thus moving forward together while focusing on the same object (e.g. Children). With children, we grow together and never get bored!

Nowadays, marketers are exploiting our emotions very wisely in terms of upgrading the software, products and attractions. We purchase them and upgrade them- thus are less likely to get a feeling like stuck. Things keep on changing, and we are never completely used to them. Things that cannot be upgraded; usually lose their attraction very soon.

 To conclude, we need to upgrade things (traits) in us to survive in the market  through various strategies like:

  1. Learning new things/ fields
  2. Having new experiences
  3. Meeting new people
  4. Visiting new places
  5. Creating new horizons

When we stop doing upgrading, we are stuck. We are used to ourselves first and then with others. Therefore, to get a long, healthy life, it is very important to continue with the change outside and inside. It is something we all are doing unconsciously with the help of evolutionary laws; it is something we need to improve too through effort and hard work.

If You Are Perceived Wrongly- It Might Be Your Fault!

Let me introduce you some examples first to get to know the real subject later on.

‘ Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a caring parent.

‘Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a loving child to her parent.

What do you think about the both statements- are the same in nature? No. Certainly No. When a parent says ‘stop’, it is due to his caring nature being a parent; whereas when a child is saying the same thing, it might be due to imitation, ignorance, or might be due to some distress in mind. In any case, both expressions are not conveying the same meanings while having the same alphabetic language.

 ‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a caring parent.

‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a loving child to her parent.

It is again the same thing. The parent is caring and involved in safety issues with the child and the child is assuming as if she is a grown-up, so pretending to become a caring parent.

‘ Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving husband.

‘Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving wife.

 Here again husband is a bit aggressive and hyper in mood while arguing with his wife whereas wife is complaining against her husband’s indifferent and neglectful attitude.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employer to his employee.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employee to his employer.

 In this example, an employer is happy with his employee’s performance and employer is misbehaving with his boss in a rude manner.

 In the light of the above examples, one can easily conclude that language varies widely between relationships and would never convey the same meanings for each party involved. Even in friendships, partners speak relative to each others social and emotional status.

 Children being junior members of your family might exaggerate your angry feelings and would name it a kind of threat to their happiness and safety. They do need a different level of anger from that you use in your office at least!

 For couples, husbands are by default at the top position, so they must show over caring attitude and nice gestures for being more responsible and energetic as a man. For a wife might name a husband’s little angry mood a kind of emotional abuse, being more tender and subtle human by nature.

 Likewise, every relationship demands different language to speak with. We cannot rule over all people with the same hammer. When we go into the details of the healthy relationships, it is very important to understand that love speaks many languages and that too differs from person to person. We have to consider many other factors indeed in deciding about our way of communication: age, sex, culture, education level, background, personality type, I.Q, E.Q, physical health and the most important is the other person’s status in the relationship with you.

Conclusively, It means while speaking with someone junior to you (in age, position, or status) more respect than you usually give to others, is needed so that he/she should not feel degraded or humiliated due to your slip of the tongue only. It implies on your children, wives, and servants or anybody junior to you in general. Especially when you are in a bad mood, try to show less aggressive attitude as much as possible (lesser than what you usually show to your friends) so that the people who are dependent on you should not feel dejected or neglected due to your sudden rude behavior.

Thanks

Unique Diversity Of Perceptions

Figure and ground relationship is very common among gestalt psychologists. It is one of the most popular laws of visual perception which states that figure-ground organization is a type of perceptual grouping that is a vital necessarily for recognizing objects through vision. It is known as identifying a figure from the background ( cited in wikipedia).

Without any background, vision is not complete. Even blank or white background plays its vital role in our perceptual understanding of the objects.

figure and ground image

see more on:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Figure%E2%80%93ground_(perception)

What do you think this picture is about:

  1. two girls’ faces.
  2. Two child’s faces
  3. A vase
  4. A marble building
  5. A sketch of faces
  6. A sketch of a tomb
  7. Two men’s faces
  8. A glass
  9. A door’s interior
  10. Reflection in the mirror
  11. Two friends’ faces
  12. Enemies faces
  13. Black children faces
  14. White children faces
  15. Indian faces
  16. Any thing else

These are only examples. You may create any meaning from the above picture. Your perception is yours and there is no guideline to perceive this picture in one particular way. You are the author of your own unique picture. Everybody in this world would create a different perception about this picture ; about other pictures ; and about every other scene of this world. There are countless perceptions of the same picture indeed; rather more precisely there are countless perceptions of the same concept in this world.

Similarly there are countless expressions of the same perceptual image. When we perceive some information, we interpret it in our brain and express in some ways. We, no doubt, do it automatically, unconsciously and systematically. Our actions, then, depict some portions of our perceptions. Thus, each one among us, carries a distinct and separate way of expressing its unique perception. No two expressions are similar to each other; though could share some of the features and manifest them fully. Just like our faces that can resemble to someone fully while sharing some of the traits too; but we are unique in our personality from many other aspects. Our perceptions are alike.

What a great amount of perceptions we hold! Incredible human perceptions and their related expressions make us truly a unique being in this world. Whether you are a lay man, a teacher, a business man, an artist, a skilled worker, a nurse, a gate keeper, a leader, an organizer, a manager, a student, a sweeper, a lecturer, a dentist, a doctor, or a scientist; you are unique in your perception. You do not need to collect references to support you or collect examples to validate your view point; you are already unique. Your attitude, emotion, interpretation and beliefs can never match or compete. Your ways are yours and you are responsible for them. Though you may blame someone for guiding you in a wrong direction; but the last decision was yours to take a step ahead. So it is you who perceived wrong. Step back and take charge of your perception. Honor your perception being unique and subtle; the world will honor you in return.

Change Your Mind-Set And Leave You Focus On!

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We all have different kinds of mind-sets, personalities, attitudes, beliefs, values, predispositions, perceptual tendencies, and habits overall. We live by our behavioural, cognitive and emotional trails in one way or the other. These traits are our identity, pride, recognition, esteem, and means to survival. We belong to them, as they belong to us. Now let me introduce you a few examples from day to day life:

When a child asks for a specific toy- he only wants that kind of toy. He would never be happy with any other toy until or unless that toy meets the same need. So for the child, the toy is not important, rather more important is the specific requirement of that toy; the quality of the toy; or the special ability of that toy.

When you go for shopping with a mind-set, you do not compromise. You try your best to find what you need. For example, you need a mobile carrying a special feature (may be powerful camera); you would never be comfortable with any other mobile set. As you need a specific thing, you do not care for other features of other mobiles. Yes, you would be happier if you get both: the required features and other enhanced features as well.

Similarly, we look for something special in our mate. That something special might be anything from a simple gesture to a variety of personality traits. When we find that particular trait in someone, we fell in love. We do not care whether he/she has something else or not. We just want that special thing- and nothing else. Though after some time, we are quite adapted to that trait and other things start to interfere. Then we realize our mistake.

This is very much true for other areas of life. When we choose a profession for a special reason in mind; we ignore other aspects of it. We join that and regret after some time as we come to know that we are compromising a lot for our love and choice. Then we realize that one thing should not be given top priority in any situation until or unless it is our complete compulsion or limitation.

The truth is that in life, one should not focus on one particular way of living. With a specific mindset, one cannot earn total satisfaction and would lack other important and beautiful gifts of nature. Indeed, there are a thousand ways of living, countless thoughts to ponder with, limitless sources to explore, and a great number of things to enjoy, learn, focus on, deal with and to rest upon. Thus, when we travel with a particular belief in mind about anything in this world; we could be blessed to that particular thing, anyhow, but the rest of, is compromised. Whereas when we look for happiness with open heart without being prejudice; we attract all pleasures of all types in the most harmonious combination to please us, secretly, in the best everlasting manner.