I prefer being a decision maker, financial supporter, independent, decisive, assertive and elegant over being a tolerant, obedient, selfless, passive, empathetic, compromising, hospitable, and relationship-oriented.
The person-centred approach is a widespread practice nowadays. It says that we should trust in our self-perception and we can determine our well-being through a proper understanding of our situation and needs. It means that there is no need to value unconscious motives and meanings derived from other sources by counsellors. Proposed by Roges (1959), it says that we are capable of organizing our beliefs, concepts, and self-perceptions. Our self-concept is central to our perceptions about others and the world. The self-concept might be different from the reality of what we are in reality. We might think that we are strong; however, in fact, we could be assessed as shy and feeble personality.
I am entirely in favour of such thoughts. We know what we are and we can very quickly be guided in that light. However, when we are in trouble, our unconscious mind dictates to us what we don’t want to listen in reality. Suppose you are going to save someone’s life and your belief tells you that it might put you in trouble. Or the reverse case, you want to do something refreshing and funny; however, your mind says you to do something generous and moral. What we do, choose, figure out, decide to do, or think about all depend upon our unconscious thought that is present in all times and that is subject to change. We do not pay attention to that thought and react as we think we are doing.
For example, we are going shopping with a great mindset. It is straightforward to guess; we will have excellent shopping experience following that. Another side, with sad and muggy mood, we will make many mistakes in shopping or will not enjoy that experience thoroughly.
Our most of the problems are based on our perception of the situation. We do not understand what is wrong with us. We blame others for our miseries and issues; however, it is not right for most of the time. When psychologist uncover our background information at that particular time ( the time of misery ), the real cause for our pain comes out of the shadow. We feel great relief at that moment. So the hidden unconscious information/perception of the situation is the most important thing to discover.
For example, a person is very much lonely due to his family members behaviour. He thinks he is being ignored and not given much importance. Here, the belief ‘the importance given by family ‘ is fundamental to be discovered. In other situations, other ideas might work as a background. Those beliefs play an essential role in our decision making, role-playing, acting and reacting and even thinking.
I have seen people doing complicated things in life like pursuing education, choosing demanding professions, working hard to earn a living, spending time under challenging hobbies and trying their best to make their lives easier. Usually, people think they will become something big in life and will start enjoying life after that! They believe when their present projects will finish they will change their lifestyle and will choose to have fun on a daily basis. They keep on doing their odd stuff with the hope that one day they will leave their struggle towards a comfortable life and start living their life fully!
LIFE USUALLY ENDS IN DOING THE SAME THING EVERYDAY AND THE DAY COMES WHEN WE FORGET ABOUT OUR INITIAL PLANS ABOUT LIVING!
Do I question you whom you love most – your goal or your journey towards the goal? You will say your goal with no doubt; however, it should be your journey. Your goal will last only for a few days to celebrate and feel pride off; however, your ride will keep you involved for almost all of your life. So if you choose your goal, you will not be enjoying your journey, or you will not be living entirely for the rest of your life. If you select the drive, you will probably enjoy for most parts of your life and your goal as well.
The same ideology will apply to your little, trivial, minor things in life. Suppose you are planning to go for a movie night with your friends. You will have two choices- enjoy the time while watching a movie or experience with your friends even before the show-time. Choose the second option so that you could enjoy more! Buy some chips with great enthusiasm, enjoy shopping for food, have fun with travelling towards the cinema, and come back with great memories and happiness. It is not the movie that you are going to watch, essential to making you happy; you intend to watch it with your friends that is more important. Likewise, you can check your whole lifestyle and choose the traveling time towards your goals to enjoy more than your goals (only).
Little things that we ignore in today’s fast-paced world are essential to care for. You might say that you have no time for these stupid things- but actually, you have no guts to make you happy and alive. So please do stuff for you and your family – little and meaningless. You can choose from thousand small ideas and make your life easier and happier. From little things, I don’t mean to buy a flower for your wife or husband or buying a toy for your son or daughter. Instead from little things I intend to listen to each other carefully, to pay attention to your children with love and smile, to walk together to enjoy each others company, to have dinner together to chat about fun stuff or to sleep with peace and chill!
Life is all about simplicity, peace and fun. It has nothing to do with high aims, goals and objectives. Though you cannot ignore the ultimate aim of your existence; you should not ignore the price you are paying for it. If you are giving your whole life to bring about a change in your lifestyle, it is not worth doing it. Your efforts should make you happy and fulfilled at the same time your goals. Keeping both things in harmony would take you to the highest level of peace and ecstasy. This is how we become the real HUMAN.
Are you feeling dejected, lonely, segregated, unfulfilled, depressed, overwhelm, stressed, anxious, low in energy, low in mood, low self-esteem, and unhappy overall! Change your religion!
You are not on right track. Your belief system is not supporting you rather destroying your spirits a. nd energies. You need to change it. You need to check what are the thought patterns you are holding- positive or negative. You must change the following :
A . your God.
B. your holy book of beliefs
C. your love
- D. your Name
- E. your address
- F. your Death
Your God :
please check if you worship the right God. You might be worshipping some people and thinking they are your All. you need to see if you are pleasing your fellows just like you please your God. Your God should not be anybody around you. When we give human beings a status of God, they become our gods and realize us that we are wrong. So please change your God if you have anybody around you to please all the time!
Your holly book of beliefs:
Please check what are your beliefs in the first stage. There might be something that is stopping you from taking a step. Your beliefs must not be updated if you are feeling trouble in managing your day to day problems. Your thought patterns need to be edited from time to time. If you are having old thought systems, you cant survive in the new modern world of today.
you need to accept that your ‘love’ is your ‘enemy’. You can be exploited by that. You can be challenged by that. You can be threatened and victimized on that. Pl don’t love something – don’t be mad for something. Love everybody and every little thing but not somebody or something. The more specific you are in your love, the more danger you are inviting in your life.
This is very important as your name is your identity. Here I mean your best face to other people. Do you look like a creep, monster, gentleman, sincere type, obsessed, crazy, depressed, active, lazy, determined, or what? Change it if it is not working for you. Change your look first from outside and then you will see you are changing from inside too.
See, what you accept and what you reject in others. If someone wants to become your friend what are the attributes you are looking for in him/her? I think you need to change it if you are experiencing some relationship issues. Not all people are suitable to your kind but sometimes you have to change your criteria of goodness. Sometimes some obviously bad people help you in your struggle to find good people! Through interacting with people opposite to your personality might create some traits in you that you need or otherwise lacking in you. Think it and do it!
you cannot change your death time and death destiny as well. But you can change your mindset for your upset mood and depressed brain. When you are in anger or in a depression, you are dead as you cannot move further. You cannot help yourself-you are dead! So pl don’t be dead on trivial matters of life. Raise your standard of being dead. Do not take care of others so much that they play with your emotions and make you dead often. If you want to die, die for a great cause so that you should be respected and honoured by the whole wide world.
Suppose you give a toy to your child to play with and say that the toy does not belong to him, instead to someone else who is going to pick it up after a few hours. What do you think the child will do. Evidently, he will play with that toy but with what kind of feelings? Will he be overjoyed at finding/borrowing a toy? Will he want to take that toy with him forever? Will he be a little bit careful while playing with that toy as it does not wholly belong to him? Will he name that toy with love and passion? Will he be happy at returning that toy to someone after playing with it for a few hours? Will his feelings be the same as if this toy would be his own? Naturally, he would not love that toy as much as he would if that toy entirely belongs to him. He would be more than happy; if his mom says,” you can have this toy as long as you like, it is yours.” Now, in this scenario, the feelings of the boy would be entirely changed. He would like to play with the toy with great passion, no fear, total care, and commitment. He will have no fear of losing it after some time. He might name this toy and make it his best friend ever. There are lots of possibilities of the great relationship with that toy.
Now, suppose that toy is also a human being. In that case, that person would feel the same emotions. In case of leaving the person, playing with him, he will feel dejected, fearful, sad, stressed and anxious. He might develop some personality disorders while staying in an unpredictable, non-consistent and uncertain environment. On the other hand, upon finding a true guardian permanently, he would become overjoyed, content, peaceful, happy, satisfied and balanced overall. His personality would grow and shine in future while living in a settled, harmonious and non-contradictory household.
The above example is only to show you the difference in girls emotions when they live with their parents with the background of leaving them permanently after marriage or with the background of living with them permanently irrespective of marital status going on. Mostly girls, in developed countries of the world carry no burden of leaving their parents at any stage of life. They marry and decide where to live as per their own choice. They don’t have to leave their parents – not at all. So they are more confident, more energetic, more enthusiastic and more lively in almost all spheres of life. The parents, on the other hand, groom them with unconditioned love, great care and affection with no fear of losing them at any stage of life. The bond is everlasting.
In our societies, where girls are no more free to choose where they want to live; they are usually raised up in their parent’s homes, and then they are sent to their grooms home to live forever. In such cases, one is always shaky, fearful and reluctant before making any decision/ taking any step towards education, career, or relationships. People behave as if they are waiting for the disaster of leaving their girls on marriage day and girls act as if they are ready to sacrifice their whole lives for the sake of parents honor and dignity through leaving their home forever. Ironically it is normal to think like that. However, in traumatic situations, where parents have only one girl to look after them, or the girl could not find a groom to live with, things become more complicated, stressful and traumatized. Stupidity, negligence, and ignorance make their lives worse than ever. They don’t understand that laws or traditions are for the benefit of the humanity rather than being destructive and toxic in nature.
Should I buy a quality product or a defected, unreliable, fake product? Surely the quality product, we all need! Now it is little tricky one: what is quality product when it comes to deciding about the right man in marriage.
Some go for wealth, some go for status, some go for physique, some go for smartness, some go for gentleness, some care about family background, some care about family members, some value the area one is living, some value the wealth one has in banks, some consider the reputation one has among friends, and some would think about all traits!
Nothing wrong with that. But just remember that you can’t get all in one package. You have to lose something and get something else. And it is not there always as you expected before marriage. You have to compromise on many things – this is a very complicated relationship.
One thing for which at least I am not doubtful is the person’s innate nature- how he behaves with family members at home. Irrespective of all degrees, status, and wealth, if one is not capable of washing dishes to help his mum, he is not the person to consider even! If in spite of having the sexiest look, smart body and modern thinking, he is not ready to help you out in your time of need, you don’t need that man at all! If in spite of having a great future, big house and a large circle of friends on facebook, he is not likely to spend a few moments with you in your preferred manner, he is not worth being a husband of you!
Though these empathetic traits would come up after living together, not before living together; yet these are the most important traits in men who would prove a great partner for anyone of their choice.
In our patriarchal society of Pakistan, men need specific training on how to behave with their wives. As they come up with the background of ‘men’s superiority where men are much more superior to women, are not supposed to care, help or sympathize them in any romantic manner; they are not ready to show their sympathy to their women through caring attitude and helping them in doing house chores. They behave like kings and call their subordinates as they have servants at home in the name of the wives! Cruelty never ends here. Even they think they are privileged with special powers and rights to behave like that. They are very much spoiled and pampered to act aggressively with their family members. So such men whether they keep some of the above worldly traits or not must be rejected in deciding about marriage.
One cool tip is that you must check the man’s parents living style. If his mother is subordinate and submissive; reject him too.
The other tip is that you spend some time with the man’s family members and note their living style. Probably he will mirror his family lifestyle in his future. Spending time with him will not benefit you as much, as he could pretend a nice guy for a while to impress you.
One of my daughters is married and living in her own home that she bought a few years back. She can come to see me anytime and the same is with me- I can go to her house anytime. My son-in-law often visits me and helps me in house chores just like he helps his mom in his parents home. We don’t mind visiting each other many times. We don’t follow any custom in this regard. Daughters and sons live their own independent life. They get married by their own choice and live in their own independent home. Though they can live with their parents; anyhow it is usually not very practical. It all depends on the circumstances where one chooses to live! Our sons are brought up just like girls. They don’t feel shy in doing house chores and helping their moms and dads. We don’t discriminate among kids based on gender. Girls can have as many friends as boys. Girls can move freely everywhere in the country. Girls are secure and happy. They know how to follow their dreams and parents never stop them rather help them in achieving those. We don’t spend lavishly in marriages. We, men and women, enjoy the freedom of choice, abundance, care, support, and dignity while living together. We even don’t discriminate between professions; for us, all professions are equally valuable. A sweeper is as respectable as the head teacher. I will not mind if my daughter ( a doctor) would choose a boy ( only high school pass) for her partner. We are quite open minded people. We don’t force anything on anybody. Everyone has his own weaknesses and strengths so we should tolerate each other differences. Yes, we don’t allow someone causing any kind of harm to anyone: psychological, emotional, physical, financial, social or sexual. We protect each person from being abused. We live happily with each other or don’t live with abusive partners. There is no need to be quiet and sacrifice. Our society is full of love, respect, harmony, dignity, freedom, happiness and growth. We celebrate our development together. We enjoy life fully!
These words are not mine. These words are words of almost every women in the UK. I met a new person each day and find that she is so much happy, secure, free and rich. We, living in Pakistan, couldn’t even imagine such a luxury in life. No drama, no trauma, and no abuse at all. If you find some news contradictory to what I said- they are not many. Most of the women are living a peaceful life from all backgrounds. So, should we ever give our traditions and customs the second thought to modify to the overall good!
I always cherished wealth as something beautiful, alluring and mind-blowing thing to feel proud of. I have never thought my life ahead without my pretty, ambitious desires, wishes, and aspirations. I thought it is the only form of happiness one could achieve by hard work and motivation. I thought I need to have a rich background if I want so and so….
Now I feel I was 100 percent wrong. People still would not feel like me – as it is very hard to realize what it is in the actual sense. Let me give you some examples:
A person dying from any trivial form of cancer would be ready to give his all belongings to you in return of his health!
A person who wants to become a parent would be much likely to spend all his wealth to fulfill his/her ultimate desire!
A person who is crazy for being socially acceptable and popular artist, would not care for his wealth in case he needs to spend it lavishly to achieve his goal!
A person who wants to settle down abroad might empty his all bank balance to create a life of his own choice!
Anyone who is crazy for someone or something could sacrifice much more wealth than he realizes for that very cause. Nothing wrong with it.
In short, we, basically, follow our desires, aspirations, and inspirations in life after fulfilling our basic needs of food, health, and shelter. And we are always ready to spend on such wishes, no matter how strange they are in the eyes of others. In other words, our wishes or needs (not basic) are our bosses who control us and make us think about them. We for most of the time are under such influence and for a very short time act wisely. It creates a vicious circle of desiring and fulfillment – after one wish always there is one more. Should it ever stop! Just like hope, such desires never stop, rather should not stop. The only thing we could do better is to control these loops through planning wisely. We can focus on our long-term goals and leave other distractions at all. After fulfilling our basic needs, we should not be controlled by others: marketers, business men, customer seekers, or any other entrepreneur. These people would never let us follow our real goals and distract us from achieving them by hard ways. Therefore, it is our duty to carry out all that is needed to follow our goals of life and spend money in the right direction, not anywhere else.
Thus, money itself is not helpful in any way; rather it provides us ways to satisfy our needs – need to fulfil our hunger, need to have a shelter, need of dressing up, need of maintaining social status, need to learn, need to become a healthy person, need to explore the world in depth, need to get married, need to get trained and need to earn more and more. It implies that if you are a needy person- you would need money and at the same time you would not need money if you are satisfied with your life overall. If all said above is true, whom, you guess should be the wealthiest person of the world!
We the dolls of Pakistan;
Are born, but not welcome;
Are brought up; not pampered;
Are taught and trained; not educated;
Are made to serve and controlled often.
We the girls of Pakistan,
Learn to follow the rules quietly,
Beliefs that no more serve recently,
About honor, respect, and dignity,
About fate, responsibility, and duty.
We the women of Pakistan,
Fear of safety and security,
Even in our play lands,
Even in our homeland,
As if we’re in someone’s custody!
We the mothers of Pakistan,
Dream, dream, and dream,
Are not allowed to scream,
Though bear another life in between,
Being neither a princess nor a queen.
No worry, we ‘re the future of Pakistan,
No worry, for the flowers blossom,
After every traumatic autumn,
No worry, for the stars and moon,
Remain intact till the sun resumes.
When a girl is born in the UK, her parents welcome the child with flowers of love, care, and unconditional affection. Girl daughters feel very proud of being a daughter and start their life with great confidence and motivation. They are pleasantly taught about the rules of life in which they are expected to be educated as much as possible, to achieve a career to their satisfaction, and to live a happy life ever after. They are taught about the freedom they will enjoy in their life; they are taught about their rights ( right to move, right to dress-up, right to marry, right to re-marry, right to divorce, right to have kids’ custody, right to speak about their love and interests, right to save their life, right to leave a bad person’s company, right to live alone, right to speak for their rights, right to call police in time of danger, right to excel, right to live as per their wish). Girls are always their parent’s daughters like sons: no discrimination at all. Girls enjoy the same lifestyle as their brothers keep rather they are more valued and honored. Parents spend more on little girls and let them enjoy the games like judo, karate, gymnastic, swimming, boxing, and other skills even when they are 3 or 4 years old. Usually, girls show more energy and flexibility in these games! They are never given any message in which they would be fearful about their future husband, future home or future in-laws! They are never given any idea of ‘leaving home after marriage’, rather they can live forever with their parents if they would like. Girls are more protected in a sense they can live alone after they are grown up. They can choose their partner and get a divorce without having any ‘honor killing’ syndrome. They can very easily shut the door to their husband if he is harassing them or abusing them in any form. They are not mentally prepared for the house hold work in future ( for the husband and his family). They are not waiting for the prince to take them to his palace to protect them ( an imaginary theme). They are free to move anywhere in the world with peace of mind and happiness. They are free to choose any profession, any vehicle to travel, and any identity to own. They enjoy the support of their parents, culture, society and the government in each and every field of life. They are very much pampered and loved.
It does not mean there is no rape, no sexual or emotional abuse, no threat and no killing in this society. There are still some cases to report and to feel scared; however, they are not as much in quantity as much we ( in Pakistan) could note and publish. In each home of Pakistan, gender discrimination, gender differences, physical and emotional abuses, parental control ( negative )and female child neglect is very much prevalent. A female child starts her life with lots of mixed messages about her female role at home, in society and in her married life. She is supposed to adopt that role in her adult life irrespective of her education or career choices. She is very much forced to think in that particular way in which she is a female, a responsibility to parents, a subject of fear, a figure of special respect, a source of honor, a guest in her parents home, a person who will be living the life of her husband, a person who will leave her parental home for her husband’s home, a person who cannot live alone with respect and honor, a person who is less powerful than a man, a person who would always need a man to protect her, a person who is vulnerable to various traumas, a person who should be caring, loving and serving to others, a weak person and a weak decision maker.
Thus girls, even from educated and well-established families suffer a lot. They do not enjoy their life as they would if they were born in the UK ( or any other liberal society). They are very much oppressed and suppressed due to societal norms, traditions and customs. They even like those traditions and beliefs as the change would disturb their comfort zone. However, this is not what should continue as many of them are suffering a lot due to these discriminatory acts and thoughts,painful beliefs, cruel customs, horrible traditions, bizarre irregularities, injustices, emotional, physical and sexual abuses. Mostly women who suffer from such traumas in their childhood, are very much vulnerable to anxieties, depression, and post traumatic stress disorders in their adulthood. So much so, suicidal thoughts are very common among such victims.
Therefore, I request you ( if you are a parent) to please negate the beliefs that create any discrimination among your kids; ( if you are a girl) fight for your own rights or at least never accept any negative belief; (if you are a victim) speak about it on any forum you could and if you are in any capacity to protect someone you know- please go ahead and bring a change in society.
courtesy to Google images