To Daughters of Pakistan

When we talk about the background, we talk about any persistent belief that is strong enough to dictate our behaviour, to affect our emotions and to change our perceptions about the way we react to the information. Such environmental stimuli could cause many physical or emotional changes in our psychological or physical lives. Among these factors or beliefs, one is the ‘COVID-19’. People are taking it seriously enough to apply all precautions on their lives. Mainly they are staying at home, shopping for basic necessities, resisting going out to see friends and family, just postponing all parties and picnics; are using hand sanitizers often, wearing masks on faces, and keeping the social distance at all times. People have changed their view of the world around them and that is ultimately changing their behaviour in return. All this is happening consciously or unconsciously; however, it is powerful enough to pave the way to follow the guidelines given by their health officials or governments. This is the reality of life. 

Similarly in our traditional domestic life, we, being girls follow some beliefs collectively that ultimately design our lives, dictate us a certain type of behaviour and similarly guide us that we cannot resist. Among these beliefs, one is the ‘rukhsati’. Rukhsati dictates our parents to up-bring their daughters under the influence of their destiny (rukhsati). It helps people to understand the status of women in our society; it helps us to feel like we are having a different status from our siblings (brothers), and it sets our pathways accordingly. We lose our confidence in decision making, we leave striving for a powerful career, we think about marriage stuff as our ultimate reality, we miss our parents while being with them, we make our minds ready to sacrifice for our parents, for our husbands and then for our sons. Not only we accept such thoughts for ourselves rather we donate them to our daughters proudly and happily. We simply ignore reality as we are the most satisfying souls in the world. This is not true sadly. 

We deserve something more than we get from our parents. We need unconditional love from them; we need real support from people around us, and we need social security to protect us in times of need. We need real care and equal rights from our partners when we are in a relationship; we need equal help as men retain from our family and parents, and we do not need to sacrifice for anyone! We can dream big, we can earn respect like men too, we can hold decisions too to follow, we can run a house too to support the family and we can live a fulfilling life too with dignity, respect, success and challenges. We are not physical things to keep us inside the home or to protect us from others; rather we can enjoy outside life too with courage, determination and power- just like men! Our destiny should feel proud of us rather we cry under the umbrella of destiny! 

Again it is important to note that we cannot change our behaviour unless we change our thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, and even emotions. We need to change how we think first. And this is called ‘background’ information. This unconscious belief system could determine a new ‘us’ if triggered with new beliefs, thoughts and emotions. Then the behaviours will take place. In the end, the traditions will die, cultures will revive and new values will take place. The incredible change will not take place suddenly; however, the first step is always a little ‘nod’ that something somewhere went wrong in our lives for which we are still paying the price. This little uncomfortable feeling will change the world at last!  

Neechey Lagna – a toxic concept of Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In Pakistani culture, many sayings/ concepts have taken the place of cultural things, and people consciously/unconsciously accepts them and adopt them in their life. One of those concepts is, “ to be overly obedient to your wife” ( beewi key neechey lag jana). It means that if someone is taking care of his wife’s needs, paying attention to her desires, respecting or following her wishes- he is not a real ‘Man’. So much so, people think that the real Man should control his wife, never pay attention to her to prove his masculinity, and should rather treat her harshly so that he could stand up in society with pride and dignity. Men usually make the joke of other people who strive to keep their families happy and in peace. These men not only control their own families by the fake conceptual concept of masculinity rather don’t tolerate others breaking such laws by criticizing them by all means.

According to this concept, men who take care of wife’s relatives; men who take care of children in the absence of wife; men who do house chores if wife needs them; men who provide help to their sick wives; men who share some wife’s responsibility at home; men who take their family outside to leisure purposes; men who shares their secrets with their wives; men who spend more time at home with their wife and children; men who prefer their family to any one else and men who considers their wife’s opinion before deciding about any thing of future are all come under this category. Unfortunately, these men are not appreciated rather judged very negatively by the society members as well as their relatives. These men fight for being good with their families, struggle to behave nicely against the demands of society and force themselves to live happily with their families as the community is entirely against them and their attitude!
On the other hand, men who maintain the concept of Manhood, control their families through various ways:

a. They would never listen to their spouse.
b. They are never willing to help their partner even in time of severe need.
c. They spend much time with their friends rather than wives
d. They never offer a hand to their wives even when they are sick
e. They expect their wives should do all for them from cooking, shopping, cleaning till child caring and earning.
f. They feel no obligation towards their wives and children.
g. They think they will lose their masculinity if they play with their kids often.
h. They are afraid of being a ‘bad man ‘ in the eyes of society

The main problem is that people don’t understand what the best behavior in the eyes of God is. They follow their own rules and put their lives in trouble. The above concept of ‘neachey lagna’ or to become overly kind to someone is entirely wrong and means nothing at all. One should behave nicely with his/her family irrespective of the societal standards ( if they are false and abusive in nature). One should prioritize his/her family needs and prefer it to anything else in life with no guilt and worry. Being kind, caring, loving, friendly, and helpful is never wrong, no matter what the reason is. If doing sacrifice to your family is valuable for women, it should also be worthwhile to men. Men respecting their families are fabulous indeed; men controlling their families are fake and destructive in nature. We, being a part of a vigilant society, should speak against such concepts and promote more nice and worthy ideas instead.

The Trauma of Marriage in the Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In our culture when a man starts earning to fulfill his own needs, he is eligible to search a girl to get married to start a comfortable life with her. Apparently he thinks he is getting married ; in other words he is looking for a girl from a decent family, educated to some extent, good looking with fair complexion, can cook for the whole family, can serve him from day till night, can obey him in every matter, leave her parental family forever, and bear his nature at any cost! He needs a lifelong servant in the name of a wife whom he could beat, curse, humiliate, degrade, dictate, abuse and divorce anytime with no obligation and guilt. Being entirely independent financially, economically, secure from each perspective, and influential in the conservative society of Pakistan, he could bring his dream girl home and treat her as per his own rules and principles.

The alternatively, girls seek no job at all in their young age and entirely depend on their future ‘Man’ whether he is worth considering or not. In other words, they seek a job;  a job in which one feels degraded, humiliated and abused on daily basis; a job in which you receive a bed to sleep, food to eat, and a set pattern of life to live according to someone else’s wishes and desires; a job in which you are supposed to do whatever your partner is asking for without any hesitation or reluctance; a job in which you are easily dismissed even after 50 years of work experience; a job in which there is no reason to say ‘no’ to carry out what your boss is asking for; a job with no set rules and principles; a job in which you can’t expect any thing from your boss in return; a job in which you are Not allowed to move without the permission of your boss; a job in which you are not allowed to take rest whenever you feel tired; a job in which no one considers you on job even; a job that pays ‘nothing’ and demands a full time work without any holiday; and a job that is known as ‘ house wife’ in the whole wide world. In addition to the facts described above, one can hardly think there is something wrong with it.

After marriage, girls totally depend on their husbands financially, emotionally, socially, physically and psychologically. So their needs can be easily threatened and manipulated by the one and only caretaker- The Husband. He becomes the master and slaves ask for help always.The happiness and safety of the slaves always remain in the hands of the master. And the master enjoys his superiority and masculinity through establishing various principles of traditions, honor, and values to manipulate things for his sake.

Should this be the way of life? Should women seek a proper job to feed them or a ‘man’ to rule over them in the name of protection and safety? Should the men marry any girl of their choice without having the consent of the girl? should women sacrifice their lives in the name of honor or traditions? Should men tell their daughters to face all abuses and stay in an abusive relationship at all cost? Should men not help women in the kitchen to maintain their superiority and masculinity? Should women allow their boys to learn some house chores to help their wives in future? SHOULD WE NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT THESE MATTERS EVEN IN THE MOST MODERN ERA OF THIS CENTURY

where attitude, habits, ​and virtues matter a lot!

Should I buy a quality product or a defected, unreliable, fake product? Surely the quality product, we all need!  Now it is little tricky one: what is quality product when it comes to deciding about the right man in marriage.

Some go for wealth, some go for status, some go for physique, some go for smartness, some go for gentleness, some care about family background, some care about family members, some value the area one is living, some value the wealth one has in banks, some consider the reputation one has among friends, and some would think about all traits!

Nothing wrong with that. But just remember that you can’t get all in one package. You have to lose something and get something else. And it is not there always as you expected before marriage. You have to compromise on many things – this is a very complicated relationship.

One thing for which at least I am not doubtful is the person’s innate nature- how he behaves with family members at home. Irrespective of all degrees, status, and wealth, if one is not capable of washing dishes to help his mum, he is not the person to consider even! If in spite of having the sexiest look, smart body and modern thinking, he is not ready to help you out in your time of need, you don’t need that man at all! If in spite of having a great future, big house and a large circle of friends on facebook, he is not likely to spend a few moments with you in your preferred manner, he is not worth being a husband of you!

Though these empathetic traits would come up after living together, not before living together; yet these are the most important traits in men who would prove a great partner for anyone of their choice.

In our patriarchal society of Pakistan, men need specific training on how to behave with their wives. As they come up with the background of ‘men’s superiority where men are much more superior to women, are not supposed to care, help or sympathize them in any romantic manner; they are not ready to show their sympathy to their women through caring attitude and helping them in doing house chores. They behave like kings and call their subordinates as they have servants at home in the name of the wives! Cruelty never ends here. Even they think they are privileged with special powers and rights to behave like that. They are very much spoiled and pampered to act aggressively with their family members. So such men whether they keep some of the above worldly traits or not must be rejected in deciding about marriage.

One cool tip is that you must check the man’s parents living style. If his mother is subordinate and submissive; reject him too.

The other tip is that you spend some time with the man’s family members and note their living style. Probably he will mirror his family lifestyle in his future. Spending time with him will not benefit you as much, as he could pretend a nice guy for a while to impress you.

Good Luck

To the Daughters of Pakistan

sprog_-_meeting

We the dolls of Pakistan;

Are born, but not welcome;

Are brought up; not pampered;

Are taught and trained; not educated;

Are made to serve and controlled often.

We the girls of Pakistan,

Learn to follow the rules quietly,

Beliefs that no more serve recently,

About honor, respect, and dignity,

About fate, responsibility, and duty.

We the women of Pakistan,

Fear of safety and security,

Even in our play lands,

Even in our homeland,

As if we’re in someone’s custody!

We the mothers of Pakistan,

Dream, dream, and dream,

Are not allowed to scream,

Though bear another life in between,

Being neither a princess nor a queen.

No worry, we ‘re the future of Pakistan,

No worry, for the flowers blossom,

After every traumatic autumn,

No worry, for the stars and moon,

Remain intact till the sun resumes.

To Crazy, Hardworking, Housewives​!

TAKE A BREAK!

WHEN YOU HAVE LESS TIME TO ENJOY; YOU WILL ENJOY MORE!

Enjoyment is basically very relative term. Our brains are designed to enjoy when we have certain limitations. They might be limitations of time, energy, or space. For example, when we take a short break after a long hard work; we enjoy our little break more than the full day off. Similarly, we enjoy the ‘day-off’ more than the weak holidays. Here, I am focusing on the housewives who totally devote their time to house affairs and kids. Obviously, they find time to take rest occasionally but at the same time their job is never ending and seems to continue forever! People would never regard their work as a real work – rather they would think these women are either enjoying or wasting their time. So much so, these women don’t themselves recognize their efforts towards the humanity and universe overall. Many of these working women go into depression and become patients of anxiety and stress disorders. They find no outlet for themselves unless they seek for it with passion and motivation. Moreover, they are never appreciated on their traits by their close family members for being a hard worker at home, for being a sacrificing human at home, for being gentle and caring at home or for being restless at home!

If you think you are fit in these women’s general criteria and you are one of them then take a break. You don’t need to go ahead in your blind passion for house chores. There is no stop line and you will get nothing out of it. It is not an advertisement about money matters, financial freedom or requirement of the job by the job market. My concern is related to your mental health, self-esteem, and self-enhancement living within your limits and opportunities. If and for most of the time, you are free to choose your destiny; then throw yourself into the sea of unknown – outside. There are plenty of opportunities for you to choose from, to excel and to get adapted to. You should never ever choose to live under someone’s influence and control with no gain at all. This sounds crazy! Isn’t it! Yes, it is. Even if you feel tired and exhausted while doing two jobs at the same time, you are traveling towards your goals and not stagnant at one place!

In short, for the women of patriarchal cultures, women should take a break from the house chores and do something else to bring a change into their mental and physical lives. Otherwise, nobody will force them to do that. The culture, beliefs, and customs would keep them from real life situations and stop their energies to flourish. Such women should not rely on their fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons to take care of them in old age; rather they should take a step ahead to take care of themselves. And that is worth taking care! Such breaks would make them happy, calm and energetic than being lethargic, stuck and confused while doing lots.

THANKS 

Abusive cultural belief systems promote anxiety, depression, stress and suicidal tendencies

Our brains are full of thoughts, perceptions and memories. They often contradict with each other at various levels and try to win. Sometimes we are convinced and settled down, while other times, we just can’t make them organised and get stressed. Some times arguments win our hearts; while other times we lose! If I say that it’s all game of logical reasoning and clarifying ideas then nothing wrong in it. The ideas we like, we adore, we publish and act upon spontaneously. The ideas we don’t like, we don’t get; we don’t bother and  behave like that. Here I am talking about beliefs we really do not like, but destined to follow them due to cultural constraints and environmental limitations. Not only this, those beliefs are putting peoples’ lives at risk for depression, anxiety and stress disorders especially women’s lives are at risk for PTSD and many other traumas related to abusive conditions. 

In a terrible, abusive and negative environment, out thoughts, ideas and feelings are just not intact. We think very differently from the people around us. We live a life not according to our own standards; rather as per others values and beliefs. We call our weaknesses, our limitations and never dare to say ‘NO’. We confront to our own selves and convince ourselves that others are right whereas it’s not always true. Especially in an abusive culture, one feels quite helpless in proving his/her argument, no matter how right his/her point is. As usually all others around speak against you and try to make you to follow the traditions and customs(abusive in nature) blindly and quietly. 

There are many examples to quote. Like in some cultures women are not given their basic rights. They are supposed to perform /carry out many troublesome and annoying/odd/weird traditions in the name of religion and culture. And many times, they feel pressurised to do that in all circumstances. Such traditions go against women’s basic human rights; however no one questions it. For example, in some cultures,  many things women are not supposed to do like men due to their feminine nature; however women should be allowed to live a happy free life-like men. Women are not encouraged to live an independent life like men in some societies which is also an example of an abusive culture. Women are not encouraged to move alone and seek for their job;  also a sign of abusive environment.  Women are being married due to family pressures or girls are not given the same status at home like sons; and girls are supposed to do minor things and are not considered important in decision-making for family matters. All of these are examples of abusive and negative society where one could not do certain things ( otherwise positive and important) due to unhealthy and toxic belief systems inculcated in the social norms. how-you-beliefs-are-preventing-you-from-getting-through-4734_203x200