Female Child Abuse in Pakistan​

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Almost every other child in Pakistan is being, physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally severely abused by her own family members. The data is usually not collected and news is never generated for ordinary people. Even if the news is being printed, the case is being registered; there is no output from police or courts. 

People do not check their attitude towards their kids- usually, it is too rigid, harsh and intolerable. They scold them, beat them and even torture them so badly that they feel like to run away from home. Especially for the females, their behavior is never acceptable. The following examples will further elaborate the concept of female abuse in detail: 
a. Most of the parents never welcome a female child – a kind of abuse
b. Parents always expect from female child to take care of siblings and others in terms of house chores and serving food. 
c. The female child is rarely exposed to good education and health needs. 
d. Female Child is always kept home due to security and religious reasons. 
e. The female child is never allowed to play in parks with boys  or alone.
f. the female child is not given skill or technical education. 
g. female child is always exposed to toxic beliefs : such as leaving home after marriage, being obedient to husband; being obedient to in-laws; never ask for her own interests; sacrifice for the family honor; never argue in front of husband; never think of her own income; girls first priority is home; girls should be expert in cooking; girls should not participate in family matters as they have to leave the family one day; girls should not go to markets often; girls should not mix with boys; girls should not speak loudly; sons are better than daughters; and many alike.Some of the beliefs are not bad itself; however, they are used in such a negative way that contribute towards female child abuse very much.  
g. The female child is encouraged to look after her face, body, and dress more than other things (education, career, finance, and security) as she is supposed to win a beauty contest for the future husband. 
h. Some female children are being sold, dropped somewhere or left unattended for being female at home. 
i. Some fathers always blame their wives for giving birth to a female child in front of their daughters. 
j. People offer food to male members first and then females. This applies to other things also. 
k. The females are less likely to be exposed to driving a car, bus or truck. Similarly, she is less likely to shop (any big item that a boy can buy), run a business or have a bank account under parents guidance. As a child, they are never educated to adapt these roles in future. 
L. Parents spend a lot on sons compared to daughters. 
m. The female child is less likely to have friends or enjoy any social circle. 
There are many other restrictions that make a female child less confident, less motivated and less creative. They are never able to lead their own lives and follow their dreams. Rather they always walk on the egg shells with the fear of being homeless, stigmatized or tortured ( in some cases being dead). 
 
Thanks 
Courtesy to google images
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Thanks For Your Feedback-I Am Greatly Honored

This word is usually used in researches where we are more interested in taking feedback from our participants. Some researchers use the feedback as an integral part of their whole work and keep it as original as it could be. Then, in today’s modern world, many online businesses need their customers’ feedback to improve their products and to progress in the right direction. Rather, it has become an integral part of each business online, so much so, many businesses flourish successfully only due to a continuous positive high, and consistent feedback from customers like eBay, Amazon and many others.

To see the definition of feedback please check the link below:

http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/feedback.html

It states that “the process in which the effect or output of an action is returned (fed-back) to modify the next action. Feedback is essential to the working and survival of all regulatory mechanisms found throughout living and non-living nature, and in man-made systems such as education system and economy. As a two-way flow, feedback is inherent to all interactions, whether human-to-human, human-to-machine or machine-to-machine.”

When we use the feedback in an educational setup we usually call it reinforcement (positive and negative) that strengthens the behavior of students and modify the behavioral constructs. For example: Good grades, medals, stars, label, honorary remarks, titles and sometimes monetary benefits such as gifts, scholarships and free memberships. All are being used as a kind of reinforcer to encourage the students to learn more in the most productive manner and continue with the learning process.

However, my focus is on our emotional life which lacks feedback seriously, and keeps us from growing in rich relationships. We ask for help, get help and say thank- nothing more. We discuss ideas and concepts with friends and colleagues, get a relevant one to apply for, get the desired results and never return to those friends to say what they have said has physically been implemented by you. We go to see someone or invite someone, meet passionately and enjoy the company a lot, say, ‘see you soon’, and never call back to say how we felt in the last few days! We usually forget about the most important part of the relationship-Feedback.

Realistically, it could be anything from a simple, ‘thanks’, ‘gesture’, ‘expression’  to a nice compliment. However, in the long lasting relationships (intimate partners, parent-child, siblings, relatives, friends), it should be more than that. Consider the following statements:

What you did to me was awesome indeed………..

  1. I found the gift a superb one that could fulfill……
  2. I tried your idea and it helped me a lot in completing……
  3. Last night your dress was too elegant and graceful to make me…
  4. I am still thinking about the way you were doing that….
  5. How did you do that? It was fantastic and unbelievable…

Conclusively, usually we say ‘thanks’ for most of the time yet forget the afterward feedback required that is an additional ‘thanks’ in the form of a nice compliment after utilizing someone’s gift, idea, or after any shared delightful charitable experience. On the contrary, when we are reminded about our mindful gifts, thoughtful ideas, concerned suggestions, great company, sweet nature, nice habits, creativity, intelligence, beauty, simplicity, trustworthiness, spontaneity, and other relevant traits; we are much pleased for such a recognition and great concern. So keep it up please!

Evil Customs Encourage Crimes!

Customs are very much respected in the world, whether it is European culture or Asian traditional culture. They look beautiful and people maintain them for the sanctity of their feelings and for the respect of their culture overall. We also experience customs in our life in one way or the other. Like everyone else, we never question our customs; unless it is a real curse for the society. For many times, we overlook and continue with our lives while sharing customs with others. Life continues with peace and love.

However, in some of the societies of this world, there are some customs that prove unhealthy, harmful and crime. They are not beneficial and beautiful rather life threatening and ugly. Among these many dreadful customs, one is, ‘Rukhsati’ for the women; a custom that is very popular among Indian and Pakistanis. It is still in practice with great respect and love. You can just Google the word ‘Rukhsati’ and see the relevant pictures to get some idea.

As per Wikipedia definition, this is a somber occasion for the bride’s parents as they are departing their daughter from their home. It becomes an emotional scene when the bride says goodbye to her parents home and siblings to start a new life. See the whole definition. 1

This definition is not the complete interpretations of the concept that very systematically and unconsciously destroy a girls emotional and physical health. From the above definition, you might inquire the following:

a. Why is it a somber occasion?

b. Why is it an emotional scene?

c. Why do the girls say farewell to the home of her parents?

The answer is not very simple and state. A girl is constantly reminded in life about her ‘guestish’ (temporary) status  in her parents home. When a baby girl is born, parents either cry with anguish, pain, or wish the baby should have great luck and blessings in her life. Parents think the baby girls is a responsibility to bring her up with care and education to hand it over to the groom and say goodbye.

When a girl among her siblings behaves like a boy, parents usually remind her of her temporary status with them and say, ” how will you fulfill your desires in in-laws house where you have to spend your whole life”.

The concept of ‘rukhsati’ makes the girl think about her future home combined with future husband along with future parents (in-laws). She usually feels sorry for leaving her parents behind to get married. Sometimes it makes her uncomfortable, depress and vulnerable to certain disorders like moody, hyper sensitive, obsessive compulsive, social anxiety, depression, eating disorder, sleep disorder and many others.

When a girl actually marries; she is ready to go for it or die. She knows she is leaving her home forever or would come back with great guilt, bad luck and torture. Therefore, she is ready to sacrifice, obedience and face the challenges of life for that she is unknown still. Her mental and emotional state is weak and vulnerable!

The after marriage experiences depend on largely groom’s own personal characteristics. In the patriarchal society of Pakistan and India, man is very much dominated in home affairs. He decides about most of his life matters independently while keeping women (wives mostly) totally separate from his financial matters. When a girl becomes a wife, her husband along with his family members expects from the girls total obedience in terms of doing house chores, going out and about, getting jobs, and other trivial matters.

There could be a difference of opinion on this among families; as some educated families treat women with respect and love. However, it is common wisdom that wives will not Live in their parents’ home (being a great crime) in any situation in life.Mostly wives suffer many kinds of abuses: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, attitude abuse, physical abuse, and many more. Ironically, they do not accept it being an abuse victim until the day of death. They simply think they must be having some weak aspects of personality to deal with. They blame themselves and never talk about their rights.

You might think it is not the case with everyone; yet it is also true that the women in such cultures observe the custom ‘rukhsati’ with heart and soul to make them and their daughter’s life miserable and vulnerable!

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Pakistan#Rukhsati

ABUSE IN DISGUISE

According to wikipedia, “Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mentalabuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder” and Any act, including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth (for more info see http://www.vchreact.ca/read_psychological.htm)

Emotional and Psychological abuse includes:

  •      Telling someone they are worthless,
  • Telling them no one else wants them,
  • Forcing someone to do things at an exact time or in an exact way,
  • Undermining a persons actions, thought and beliefs,
  • Telling someone they are weak and could not manage to look after themselves on their own,
  • Making someone believe they are mad,
  • Telling someone that the domestic violence and abuse is their fault.
  • Not allowing someone to have visitors,
  • Controlling who a person is friends with,
  • Not allowing them to go out,
  • Not allowing someone to see their family and friends,
  • Not allowing someone to be left alone with other people,
  • Not allowing someone to use the phone, send letters or emails.
  • Locking someone in a room or house,
  • Not allowing someone to go out to work, not allowing someone to go to college or evening classes,
  • Accompanying someone everywhere that they go in order to keep control over what they do, who they see and what they say.
  • Telling someone they are a bad parent,
  • Getting children to say and do things to upset someone,
  • Encouraging children to get involved in the abuse.
  • Abusing someone’s children or pets,
  • Damaging possessions,
  • Accusing someone of lying when they are not,
  • Telling someone they are fat, ugly and useless,
  • Making someone believe that no one else likes them.
  • Threatening to harm someone, or to harm their children or pets.
  • Threatening to have someone locked up saying that they are mad,
  • Threatening to have someone deported or withholding care if someone is aged, ill or disabled,
  • Telling someone they will find and kill them if they leave,
  • Threatening to abuse someone in front of their children, family or friends.

Emotional abuse is often difficult to recognise. It can be very subtle, often being overlooked by a person’s friends and family. The person affected may not even think or feel that abuse is taking place.

Emotional abuse can affect women and children experiencing it in many ways. It can leave deep psychological scars and can seriously damage the self-confidence of the person experiencing the abuse. For more information see:

http://www.welshwomensaid.org.uk

In most of the cultures of this world, abuse is simply not even recognized as abuse, rather considered a moral and spiritual duty of the women towards their husbands. Usually husbands and in-laws use all kinds of abuses towards their daughter-in-laws. In most of the emotional and psychological abuses, women are exposed to, women are simply not aware of the fact that they are being abused on daily basis. one can easily recognize the forms of subtle and traumatic abuses from such examples:

  1. women are restricted towards visitors, visiting family and friends, and going out in general.
  1. women are required to perform a set of duties at a particular time, in a specific way, and according to someone’s special needs whether they like it or not.
  1. women are under estimated in their capability to earn, to stay alone, and to manage the finances alone. In all important matters of life, they are not listened even!
  1. women are expected  to follow the customs and rituals of society blindly, irrespective of the fact that many of them create severe depression, anxiety and stress in turn. For example: traditions designed to feel women less empowered like rukhsati, karo kari, and others.
  1. women are also expected to live according to their husbands sweet wishes. It would include any thing from having more than 12 children in less than 12 years, to being childless in 20 years of married life! It includes everything from having full cocktail hijab to bikini style beach dress! All depend upon a man- the husband.
  1. women are taken as sex objects in some of the culures – so they are no more free to move freely.
  1. Women are never given identity of their own name: at first they are identified with the name of their father and then after marriage they are recognized on behalf of their husbands good names!

In most of the areas of Pakistan, women are treated as if they are not human at all. Their identity, respect and worth are of no value when they are being brought up. So much so, they are not well protected, fed, and secured in their own parents’ kingdom. As a result, they become victims of trauma, anxiety, depression, stress, and many other psychological and emotional disorders. Well, they are not aware of this fact that they are being abused and it is a crime in the dictionary of Law. It is a blessing in disguise as if they knew it, their stress would be doubled!

There Is No Objective Reality Indeed!

“Belief is defined in Webster’s Unabridged Third New International Dictionary as a ‘conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon………………………… One must therefore take cognitive, behavioral, sensory, motivational, affective, and contextual factors into account when attempting to unravel the mysteries of belief system evolution.” (Walters, 2002, p. 21).

 We perceive as per our interpretation and understanding of the world. We are not always right in assessing people around us- rather, many times we have to face challenges, dishonesties, and cruelties of other people. We could not get the reality due to disguised faces, fake facial expressions and postures. We have to believe on our senses- eyes and ears especially. We have no other way except to believe what we are encountering with. There is no objective reality in this world – as all realities are subject to our own experiences with the environment in which we interact directly. We are for most of the time product of our own beliefs, concepts, and theories for that we solely are responsible. That is why so far, nobody could prove scientifically that he/she is right in his/her conduct.

Not only our perception of the relationship is biased, our perception with  the universe is too absurd. Some among us like all what is blessed to them, including miseries and misfortunes; some say thanks to only a few of them and complain for troubles and sufferings; and some say thanks for the misfortunes and complain for the blessings. The first two categories are well understood as we all belong to one of them. What about third one? Many of us belong to the third one, but they rarely are aware of that. For example: when a parent thinks that a baby boy is a symbol of abundance and prosperity, they say thanks to the Universe for such a blessing.  Later on, that boy brings complaints for them. Similarly a girl is usually thought as a sign of bad luck in many parts of India. When that girl brings good luck to the family, the family reconsiders their views and says thanks for her instead of saying complaint. The same is true with many things for which we should say thanks – we complain against; the things we should not complain and say thanks instead, we complain.

Being a parent, you must have observed your children’s behavior minutely. Have you ever noticed that your children are not following in the same directions you are teaching? Yes. It is true. Children follow the guidelines, but with their own interpretations. You will say not to run, and she will stop walking; you will ask her not to throw things and she will conclude that you do not like her; you will tell her to finish the plate and she will throw the food in the dust bin! Thus, since childhood we are quite prone to misinterpret or interpret in our own way to suit our goals and objectives.

Colors in all over the world are same- red is red, black is black and white is white. If I tell you to imagine red in your mind, which image you imagine – blood, follower, flag, eyes, shirt or what. The same is true for all colors. We all keep various images for various colors likewise for various concepts. We distinguish strongly in our imagination of the same concept given to us in the unique manner. We believe in the same concept while expressing differently. For example: being straight means honest to one’s feelings or being arrogant, would depend on the perceiver’s unique perception of the concept. Being romantic means being sexy (physically), intimate (with empathetic attitude) , or loving ( simply nice in communication) ; would also depend upon the perceiver’s special ability to perceive such a complex emotional trait.

Gender discrimination is very common in many parts of the world. It is worst in the countries where people derive their own meanings of well defined world rules and laws. Such persons commit crimes against women of different kinds, but use different concepts to convince and protect their survival overall. It is well noted that “Common errors of construction include arbitrary inference, dichotomous reasoning, magnification, minimization, overgeneralization, and personalization, although other possibilities exist.” (Walters, 2002, p. 45). Thus, the most wanted criminal acts can also be justified, appreciated and valued subjectively.

However, what do you think about subjective reality? Do you still feel that your opinions are based on unbiased truths, beliefs and values? Are you still convinced that your reality of life is universal and your values are appreciated internationally in the way you express them? Do you still hold a belief that your expression is the best expression indeed? If yes, you are still in the process of learning self perceptual mechanism. If No, you have already mastered the skill I am teaching myself yet.

Ref:

Glenn D.walters. (2002). Criminal Belief Systems. An integrated-Interactive Theory of Lifestyles.

When You Perceive A Negative Belief In The Name Of Positivity

Positivity is a universal trait and a common factor to enhance our well being all over the world. Every day we learn about positivity and try to adopt it as much as possible in our day to day life. We love to be called as positive parents, couples, children and positive members of our society. We by all means, fight with our negativity and try our best to achieve an acceptable level of  resilience. It is our utmost aim to live a happy, positive and successful life.

Unfortunately, our positivity is not a real positive thing  rather a cultural belief. In some of the cultures of this world, people are suffering from their positive (unnatural and false) attitudes.  For example, in the traditional societies of Pakistan, there are many beliefs that are thought as positive and people love to hold them as a symbol of pride and honour whereas they are a source of grief, anxiety, and depression for the other group of people.

Consider the following examples for clarification purpose:

In Pakistan:

  • It is very common to wish a baby boy for a young couple as boys are thought as superior than girls.
  • Baby girls are thought as guests in their own home. It is very much acceptable belief that a girl’s own home is settled after her marriage.
  • They are usually given less priority in almost all affairs compared to boys. It is very common norm to say exclusively to girls to eat after the boys and serve the others.
  • Some household chores like doing dishes, cleaning pots, washing, and dusting, are reserved for girls due to their very nature (low-degree jobs).
  • Many things like riding a bike, playing in a park, running a shop, riding a bike and dressing up like boys, are thought as boys things so the girls are not allowed to do that.
  • Most of the families do not allow girls to select their partner and they consider it a matter of their honor.
  • On the birth of a baby girl, mothers could be divorced, beaten, or verbally emotionally severely abused.
  • Some professions are taken as reserved for girls only (teaching, medical, and artistic) otherwise boys can join any profession they like to be in.
  • A girl has to obey her husband throughout her life (irrespective of his cruelty, tortures and abuses), as divorce is thought as a stigma on a girl’s life.

People do not accept the right of living alone for their girls as it is  too a matter of honor and dignity.

The list is never ending indeed. My purpose is not to highlighting the discrimination against women in Pakistan, rather to emphasize the idea that some of the cultural things are taken as a symbol of pride, honor and respect; people adopt them and feel happy in adopting them blindly as a part of their culture. They have no idea that their acceptance of cruelty would make the counter parts sick, dumb and vulnerable, susceptible, and unfortunate.

In the light of the above examples, girls feel extremely low self-esteem, decreased level of self-worth, lowest level of self-respect, and lose their self confidence in studies, social life, and after that in professional life. They feel homesick in the company of their own parents, they feel rejected and ignored at home and in society, they feel less powerful in the practical life ahead and in the end they compromise for the sake of their own family – usually children.

What is so positive in the eyes of the public (it is better for girls to stay at home) is not a fair decision. What is  so acceptable among society members (girls are guests in their own homes) is making our half of the population feel homeless and homesick. What is taken as a symbol of honor (you are the mother of boys) is making the daughters feel miserable and less worthy. What is  thought as girls’  sole responsibility (to perform exclusively household duties) is an example of severe gender discrimination.  What is  so common and good tradition of our culture (girls leave their parents on wedding day and live at the mercy of their husband and in laws forever) is making our daughters feel segregated and helpless in many ways. Indeed, these are all rubbish ideas, wrong theories, and false practices established in the dark ages when people lived in caves and had no education at all.

My stance is that one must not accept all the positivity blindly until or unless it is proved that the idea is worth accepting as a positive idea. One culture might involve something negative in the name of positivity. It is not always enough to say that hundreds of thousands of people are following one thing so the thing is worth following. NO. Sometimes, a wrong thing is followed by a large group of people, but the thing is wrong indeed. Thus, it is up to you whether you accept the idea as a positive one or reject it as it is. When a positive idea is positive, it spreads positivity. On the other side, when a negative idea is supported by most people and thought as a positive one- it will generate negativity, discrimination, inequality and resentment. There is no such universal formula that could define what is negativity and what is positivity – but you can save yourself from such messages through a severe negation as they stop you from being active, confident, successful, energetic, passionate, vibrant, creative, professional, empowered, assertive, decisive, happy and lively.

Thanks

The Secret Behind Your Choice!

Why the Nice biscuits are nice? I do not know if you think they are nice. Anyhow, there could be several reasons for them to be nice :

  • They are sweet
  • They are inexpensive
  • They are available
  • Some has brought them for you
  • Being a child, your mother used to offer them to you
  • Your friend likes them
  • You eat them for your stomach need
  • You think they are light
  • You think they are different in shape
  • You think they taste different
  • You think your mother likes them
  • You got them as a reward

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