Neechey Lagna – a toxic concept of Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In Pakistani culture, many sayings/ concepts have taken the place of cultural things, and people consciously/unconsciously accepts them and adopt them in their life. One of those concepts is, “ to be overly obedient to your wife” ( beewi key neechey lag jana). It means that if someone is taking care of his wife’s needs, paying attention to her desires, respecting or following her wishes- he is not a real ‘Man’. So much so, people think that the real Man should control his wife, never pay attention to her to prove his masculinity, and should rather treat her harshly so that he could stand up in society with pride and dignity. Men usually make the joke of other people who strive to keep their families happy and in peace. These men not only control their own families by the fake conceptual concept of masculinity rather don’t tolerate others breaking such laws by criticizing them by all means.

According to this concept, men who take care of wife’s relatives; men who take care of children in the absence of wife; men who do house chores if wife needs them; men who provide help to their sick wives; men who share some wife’s responsibility at home; men who take their family outside to leisure purposes; men who shares their secrets with their wives; men who spend more time at home with their wife and children; men who prefer their family to any one else and men who considers their wife’s opinion before deciding about any thing of future are all come under this category. Unfortunately, these men are not appreciated rather judged very negatively by the society members as well as their relatives. These men fight for being good with their families, struggle to behave nicely against the demands of society and force themselves to live happily with their families as the community is entirely against them and their attitude!
On the other hand, men who maintain the concept of Manhood, control their families through various ways:

a. They would never listen to their spouse.
b. They are never willing to help their partner even in time of severe need.
c. They spend much time with their friends rather than wives
d. They never offer a hand to their wives even when they are sick
e. They expect their wives should do all for them from cooking, shopping, cleaning till child caring and earning.
f. They feel no obligation towards their wives and children.
g. They think they will lose their masculinity if they play with their kids often.
h. They are afraid of being a ‘bad man ‘ in the eyes of society

The main problem is that people don’t understand what the best behavior in the eyes of God is. They follow their own rules and put their lives in trouble. The above concept of ‘neachey lagna’ or to become overly kind to someone is entirely wrong and means nothing at all. One should behave nicely with his/her family irrespective of the societal standards ( if they are false and abusive in nature). One should prioritize his/her family needs and prefer it to anything else in life with no guilt and worry. Being kind, caring, loving, friendly, and helpful is never wrong, no matter what the reason is. If doing sacrifice to your family is valuable for women, it should also be worthwhile to men. Men respecting their families are fabulous indeed; men controlling their families are fake and destructive in nature. We, being a part of a vigilant society, should speak against such concepts and promote more nice and worthy ideas instead.


The Trauma of Marriage in the Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In our culture when a man starts earning to fulfill his own needs, he is eligible to search a girl to get married to start a comfortable life with her. Apparently he thinks he is getting married ; in other words he is looking for a girl from a decent family, educated to some extent, good looking with fair complexion, can cook for the whole family, can serve him from day till night, can obey him in every matter, leave her parental family forever, and bear his nature at any cost! He needs a lifelong servant in the name of a wife whom he could beat, curse, humiliate, degrade, dictate, abuse and divorce anytime with no obligation and guilt. Being entirely independent financially, economically, secure from each perspective, and influential in the conservative society of Pakistan, he could bring his dream girl home and treat her as per his own rules and principles.

The alternatively, girls seek no job at all in their young age and entirely depend on their future ‘Man’ whether he is worth considering or not. In other words, they seek a job;  a job in which one feels degraded, humiliated and abused on daily basis; a job in which you receive a bed to sleep, food to eat, and a set pattern of life to live according to someone else’s wishes and desires; a job in which you are supposed to do whatever your partner is asking for without any hesitation or reluctance; a job in which you are easily dismissed even after 50 years of work experience; a job in which there is no reason to say ‘no’ to carry out what your boss is asking for; a job with no set rules and principles; a job in which you can’t expect any thing from your boss in return; a job in which you are Not allowed to move without the permission of your boss; a job in which you are not allowed to take rest whenever you feel tired; a job in which no one considers you on job even; a job that pays ‘nothing’ and demands a full time work without any holiday; and a job that is known as ‘ house wife’ in the whole wide world. In addition to the facts described above, one can hardly think there is something wrong with it.

After marriage, girls totally depend on their husbands financially, emotionally, socially, physically and psychologically. So their needs can be easily threatened and manipulated by the one and only caretaker- The Husband. He becomes the master and slaves ask for help always.The happiness and safety of the slaves always remain in the hands of the master. And the master enjoys his superiority and masculinity through establishing various principles of traditions, honor, and values to manipulate things for his sake.

Should this be the way of life? Should women seek a proper job to feed them or a ‘man’ to rule over them in the name of protection and safety? Should the men marry any girl of their choice without having the consent of the girl? should women sacrifice their lives in the name of honor or traditions? Should men tell their daughters to face all abuses and stay in an abusive relationship at all cost? Should men not help women in the kitchen to maintain their superiority and masculinity? Should women allow their boys to learn some house chores to help their wives in future? SHOULD WE NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT THESE MATTERS EVEN IN THE MOST MODERN ERA OF THIS CENTURY

your Need comes first then luxury!

Should we think about things and worldly affairs, all the time or, it is better to relax, do what we need to do, and leave the result to the destiny. Usually, we waste time in planning about our future and doing nothing at the moment. We spend a considerable amount of time to comfort our physical needs and too little upon our spiritual needs. We think materialistic things will provide us real comfort and peace. In fact, they are meant to give us peace and happiness provided we are already happy and in a good mood. It is a cruel fact that we could be distressed and anxious while lying in our luxurious bed! We cant get enough food and feel right if we are not in total peace. Therefore, our all physical needs are essential to be fulfilled if our basic human needs are already fulfilled. A man who is hungry, sleepless(due to some anxiety and stress), and fearful could never enjoy the diamond glass, bed of roses or a grand house to live in. At first, we need to fulfill our basic needs till we are satisfied and in peace in our tiny life. Then we could think about buying some add-ons. Though some add-ons are necessary these days, for example, mobiles, computers, and TVs. Think about a man who is sick – would he enjoy the tv, computer or mobile as much as he could being a healthy one. No. so the health is the first wealth one could wish for in time of sickness. Likewise sleep is the best medicine. If one cannot sleep due to some stress, he or she would need some therapy or some help to feel better rather than a comfortable bed or couch. After getting peace of mind, he could enhance his sleep time by having a warm bed or a cozy mattress. Similarly, think about a woman who needs to become a mother. She is in dire need of that. Should she be comfortable if you provide her with a great job and a huge amount to spend on her! She would never be happy with all of this stuff unless she becomes the mother of one at least! Human beings are like that. We all need basic things to some level; after that, we can struggle for more items. When one has a room to live in, food to eat, a bed to sleep, job to work, relationships to become social, and friends to talk; then life becomes less miserable, and one can think of other add-ons.
Keeping above in view, we can say that all human needs that marketers are trying to exploit by their lavishly wordings are not serving their purpose. The best quality of the home is not essential to make us truly happy, rather the quality of relationship we hold is much more important. The quality of health is much more important than the quality of make-up we are looking for to impress others. Similarly, the love, peace, and mental well-being are true gifts of God and much better than millions in banks with constant torture, stress, anxiety, and depression. No doubt, we could enjoy both the freedom of choice and the harmony of love along with the tranquility of peace at the same time if we are very much blessed and honored.

where attitude, habits, ​and virtues matter a lot!

Should I buy a quality product or a defected, unreliable, fake product? Surely the quality product, we all need!  Now it is little tricky one: what is quality product when it comes to deciding about the right man in marriage.

Some go for wealth, some go for status, some go for physique, some go for smartness, some go for gentleness, some care about family background, some care about family members, some value the area one is living, some value the wealth one has in banks, some consider the reputation one has among friends, and some would think about all traits!

Nothing wrong with that. But just remember that you can’t get all in one package. You have to lose something and get something else. And it is not there always as you expected before marriage. You have to compromise on many things – this is a very complicated relationship.

One thing for which at least I am not doubtful is the person’s innate nature- how he behaves with family members at home. Irrespective of all degrees, status, and wealth, if one is not capable of washing dishes to help his mum, he is not the person to consider even! If in spite of having the sexiest look, smart body and modern thinking, he is not ready to help you out in your time of need, you don’t need that man at all! If in spite of having a great future, big house and a large circle of friends on facebook, he is not likely to spend a few moments with you in your preferred manner, he is not worth being a husband of you!

Though these empathetic traits would come up after living together, not before living together; yet these are the most important traits in men who would prove a great partner for anyone of their choice.

In our patriarchal society of Pakistan, men need specific training on how to behave with their wives. As they come up with the background of ‘men’s superiority where men are much more superior to women, are not supposed to care, help or sympathize them in any romantic manner; they are not ready to show their sympathy to their women through caring attitude and helping them in doing house chores. They behave like kings and call their subordinates as they have servants at home in the name of the wives! Cruelty never ends here. Even they think they are privileged with special powers and rights to behave like that. They are very much spoiled and pampered to act aggressively with their family members. So such men whether they keep some of the above worldly traits or not must be rejected in deciding about marriage.

One cool tip is that you must check the man’s parents living style. If his mother is subordinate and submissive; reject him too.

The other tip is that you spend some time with the man’s family members and note their living style. Probably he will mirror his family lifestyle in his future. Spending time with him will not benefit you as much, as he could pretend a nice guy for a while to impress you.

Good Luck


I wonder why we struggle for something important to us. Though it is the pure way to express ourselves in the best possible manner; it is not always justifiable. Actually we are slaves of many things starting from our dreams, desires, aspirations, obligations, concepts and perceptions to our customs, culture and religion. We can tell a lie to our friends, parents, and relatives, but we know what is truth inside us. We know we are following a path of our own choice.

Unconsciously or consciously we are running towards our set goals. In this journey we never stop. Starting from our birthday, when we cry for our favourite toys, dolls, and cars until the day of death when we only yearn for a healthy body! At times we are hungry for food, and the other times we are happy for our newly bought luxury car. People forget about their dreams after they achieve them and start dreaming again! We are human, so we do the same.

The point is that why we do all of this stuff ? Do we really really need it? Can we live a happy life without something we desire very deeply in our heart? Should we strive for the success or for the peace hidden in that success? Are we not wasting our time by engaging ourselves in worldly affairs? Is there any power to save us from cruelties of life miraculously or we are just believing in supernatural powers to feel protected and secured?

Whatever is the case, we are not ready to leave our mind-set for any trivial reason. We want to experience the reality and check about the laws ourselves through our own experiments. We don’t like short cuts; rather we want to struggle hard to find the truth. We are like young kids who want to check if the fire burns or not. How can we behave wisely in our childhood?

You know what is the first thing in life- important to all of you whether you are young, adult or old? The very first and foremost thing in life is your own peace of mind and satisfaction over all. Until or unless you are not satisfied with whatever you do; you will not stop running around. At the same time if you are happy, satisfied and at peace; you are there already where each one of us want to reach. Now its up to you, how you get that eternal peace – through adopting the ways that most suit you or through following the paths of other successful humans.

The most important care in this self examination is that you should not keep negative goals with you in the first place. The negative goals are never meant to get the same positive results. So if you want to become rich and then happy; you are basically negative in your approach. You need to mend your thought and say that you want to become happy- might be through riches or other sources of nature. In this way, you are totally positive in your basic approach towards life.

Keep it up and be happy!

The choice​ is Yours!


Unconscious background matters a lot to succeed in our life or live a happy peaceful life at least. Should we think about it twice before ignoring this very important aspect of our life? True, we need to explore it first. As it is very deep and complex human emotion. Let me give you an example :

You are going to see someone and on the way, you come across some naughty or disturbing people. People react in different manners to deal with the similar, strange, nasty situations. And there could be many types of reactions  – they all depend on your unconscious mindset. Such as:

  1. You are feeling so good inside that you totally ignore the experience and think about the upcoming event seriously.
  2. You react in the manner you think you should react and become angry for a while. Then you motivate yourself not to forget your real aim and goal to meet today.
  3. You not only react to the worse situation rather kept on thinking about it on the way back to home.
  4. You keep quiet on the spot but keep the hurt emotions inside and give a fake smile to others.
  5. You try to convince yourself that it is the part of life but the scenes of that nasty situation come in front of your eyes and you cannot focus properly.

There is no hard and fast rule to adapt to deal with any worse situation in life. It all depends on the situation indeed how you react to it. However; in most of the situations, things would turn back to you due to your negativity and low mood. For example:

Situation no 2 :

In this situation, you become angry and try to deal with your anger for a while. It is not a totally positive situation. If you get out of it very soon, then you are out of the trap of negativity and will conquer the world.

Situation no 3:

The most likely you are in trouble deep. You are going to meet many other similar situations due to your low mood and negativity. You should not expect any good in future.

Situation no 4:

you are dealing with the situation but that is not real you. You are hiding your inner anger and negativity. So again you are not going to find your peace and joy in near future.

Situation no 5:

In such situation, you are again not in your control. Your emotions are taking you down the way you will find more depression, anxiety, and suffering. Your mood is not energetic and helping to take you to the next level of success and prosperity.

Situation no 1:

In this situation, you are free to move forward in your life. You can expect a bundle of joy, peace, ecstasy, and happiness all around you. Your experiences would take you to another world and yes, that is real you with your true desire fulfilled. It could be anything you adore and wish for.

The bad events or worse situations would come again and again in your life. Usually, for the better results, your consistency, with overall positive emotional health would predict your future in the way you could ever imagine or much better than that. Thanks


Feel Good Therapy


Have you ever seen flavored juices in markets, flavored sweets and flavored yogurts in markets? Usually, they are only flavored, not real. When we talk to someone without feelings, we become those flavored products. We are not real. We are not pure. We are fake and unreal. Our deeds are not accountable without our feelings. So are we.

Let’s taste a real treat with actual flavors. It will taste real sweet, salty or fantastic compared to the artificially flavored food. So you also taste like that. If you speak with feelings, you are perceived fully with taste. If you speak with no feelings, you will taste nothing. You might be misperceived or perceived wrong.

When we talk about relationships, feelings become the most important ingredient. Without feelings, relationships don’t survive or only survive. However, their charm, attraction, and beauty fade up. We don’t feel good in return. We look unhappy, stress full and lethargic. We miss the real fun and quality time.

Feelings are very important to maintain one’s life fully. If you neglect your real feelings and always try to take care of others feelings – you are on wrong track. To get the real taste of life, you must feel good. When you feel good- you perceive good and in return, you enjoy the harmony of goodness between you two. Therefore, feel good is as important as to look good.

One should also take care of others feelings. Without taking care of others feelings, one is never able to respond accordingly/appropriately. In the end, both suffer a lot due to misperception or misunderstanding. So to establish any relationship, it is a vital part to express one’s feelings truly and understand other person’s feelings as well. Feelings play a great role in keeping your relationships alive, healthy and happy.

Usually, people go for rich experiences to feel good. However, experiences between man and environment could not make us happier than the happiness we cultivate from sharing feelings of love, empathy, and kindness with our friends, intimate partners, or relatives (whom we belong).

The good news is that you can work on it. You can find new ways to express your feelings and seek for clues to understand other person’s feelings. You can plan new shared experiences to feel better and improve your relationships. One moment of true feelings of love is always better than a long lived happily married life without any feelings of love.
Be Cheerful and Happy always.