Abuse And Self-Harm

The toxic​ concept of ‘Rukhsati’ with worst implications

Suppose you give a toy to your child to play with and say that the toy does not belong to him, instead to someone else who is going to pick it up after a few hours. What do you think the child will do. Evidently, he will play with that toy but with what kind of feelings? Will he be overjoyed at finding/borrowing a toy? Will he want to take that toy with him forever? Will he be a little bit careful while playing with that toy as it does not wholly belong to him? Will he name that toy with love and passion? Will he be happy at returning that toy to someone after playing with it for a few hours? Will his feelings be the same as if this toy would be his own? Naturally, he would not love that toy as much as he would if that toy entirely belongs to him. He would be more than happy; if his mom says,” you can have this toy as long as you like, it is yours.” Now, in this scenario, the feelings of the boy would be entirely changed. He would like to play with the toy with great passion, no fear, total care, and commitment. He will have no fear of losing it after some time. He might name this toy and make it his best friend ever. There are lots of possibilities of the great relationship with that toy.

Now, suppose that toy is also a human being. In that case, that person would feel the same emotions. In case of leaving the person, playing with him, he will feel dejected, fearful, sad, stressed and anxious. He might develop some personality disorders while staying in an unpredictable, non-consistent and uncertain environment. On the other hand, upon finding a true guardian permanently, he would become overjoyed, content, peaceful, happy, satisfied and balanced overall. His personality would grow and shine in future while living in a settled, harmonious and non-contradictory household.

The above example is only to show you the difference in girls emotions when they live with their parents with the background of leaving them permanently after marriage or with the background of living with them permanently irrespective of marital status going on. Mostly girls, in developed countries of the world carry no burden of leaving their parents at any stage of life. They marry and decide where to live as per their own choice. They don’t have to leave their parents – not at all. So they are more confident, more energetic, more enthusiastic and more lively in almost all spheres of life. The parents, on the other hand, groom them with unconditioned love, great care and affection with no fear of losing them at any stage of life. The bond is everlasting.

In our societies, where girls are no more free to choose where they want to live; they are usually raised up in their parent’s homes, and then they are sent to their grooms home to live forever. In such cases, one is always shaky, fearful and reluctant before making any decision/ taking any step towards education, career, or relationships. People behave as if they are waiting for the disaster of leaving their girls on marriage day and girls act as if they are ready to sacrifice their whole lives for the sake of parents honor and dignity through leaving their home forever. Ironically it is normal to think like that. However, in traumatic situations, where parents have only one girl to look after them, or the girl could not find a groom to live with, things become more complicated, stressful and traumatized. Stupidity, negligence, and ignorance make their lives worse than ever. They don’t understand that laws or traditions are for the benefit of the humanity rather than being destructive and toxic in nature.

Neechey Lagna – a toxic concept of Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In Pakistani culture, many sayings/ concepts have taken the place of cultural things, and people consciously/unconsciously accepts them and adopt them in their life. One of those concepts is, “ to be overly obedient to your wife” ( beewi key neechey lag jana). It means that if someone is taking care of his wife’s needs, paying attention to her desires, respecting or following her wishes- he is not a real ‘Man’. So much so, people think that the real Man should control his wife, never pay attention to her to prove his masculinity, and should rather treat her harshly so that he could stand up in society with pride and dignity. Men usually make the joke of other people who strive to keep their families happy and in peace. These men not only control their own families by the fake conceptual concept of masculinity rather don’t tolerate others breaking such laws by criticizing them by all means.

According to this concept, men who take care of wife’s relatives; men who take care of children in the absence of wife; men who do house chores if wife needs them; men who provide help to their sick wives; men who share some wife’s responsibility at home; men who take their family outside to leisure purposes; men who shares their secrets with their wives; men who spend more time at home with their wife and children; men who prefer their family to any one else and men who considers their wife’s opinion before deciding about any thing of future are all come under this category. Unfortunately, these men are not appreciated rather judged very negatively by the society members as well as their relatives. These men fight for being good with their families, struggle to behave nicely against the demands of society and force themselves to live happily with their families as the community is entirely against them and their attitude!
On the other hand, men who maintain the concept of Manhood, control their families through various ways:

a. They would never listen to their spouse.
b. They are never willing to help their partner even in time of severe need.
c. They spend much time with their friends rather than wives
d. They never offer a hand to their wives even when they are sick
e. They expect their wives should do all for them from cooking, shopping, cleaning till child caring and earning.
f. They feel no obligation towards their wives and children.
g. They think they will lose their masculinity if they play with their kids often.
h. They are afraid of being a ‘bad man ‘ in the eyes of society

The main problem is that people don’t understand what the best behavior in the eyes of God is. They follow their own rules and put their lives in trouble. The above concept of ‘neachey lagna’ or to become overly kind to someone is entirely wrong and means nothing at all. One should behave nicely with his/her family irrespective of the societal standards ( if they are false and abusive in nature). One should prioritize his/her family needs and prefer it to anything else in life with no guilt and worry. Being kind, caring, loving, friendly, and helpful is never wrong, no matter what the reason is. If doing sacrifice to your family is valuable for women, it should also be worthwhile to men. Men respecting their families are fabulous indeed; men controlling their families are fake and destructive in nature. We, being a part of a vigilant society, should speak against such concepts and promote more nice and worthy ideas instead.

The Trauma of Marriage in the Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In our culture when a man starts earning to fulfill his own needs, he is eligible to search a girl to get married to start a comfortable life with her. Apparently he thinks he is getting married ; in other words he is looking for a girl from a decent family, educated to some extent, good looking with fair complexion, can cook for the whole family, can serve him from day till night, can obey him in every matter, leave her parental family forever, and bear his nature at any cost! He needs a lifelong servant in the name of a wife whom he could beat, curse, humiliate, degrade, dictate, abuse and divorce anytime with no obligation and guilt. Being entirely independent financially, economically, secure from each perspective, and influential in the conservative society of Pakistan, he could bring his dream girl home and treat her as per his own rules and principles.

The alternatively, girls seek no job at all in their young age and entirely depend on their future ‘Man’ whether he is worth considering or not. In other words, they seek a job;  a job in which one feels degraded, humiliated and abused on daily basis; a job in which you receive a bed to sleep, food to eat, and a set pattern of life to live according to someone else’s wishes and desires; a job in which you are supposed to do whatever your partner is asking for without any hesitation or reluctance; a job in which you are easily dismissed even after 50 years of work experience; a job in which there is no reason to say ‘no’ to carry out what your boss is asking for; a job with no set rules and principles; a job in which you can’t expect any thing from your boss in return; a job in which you are Not allowed to move without the permission of your boss; a job in which you are not allowed to take rest whenever you feel tired; a job in which no one considers you on job even; a job that pays ‘nothing’ and demands a full time work without any holiday; and a job that is known as ‘ house wife’ in the whole wide world. In addition to the facts described above, one can hardly think there is something wrong with it.

After marriage, girls totally depend on their husbands financially, emotionally, socially, physically and psychologically. So their needs can be easily threatened and manipulated by the one and only caretaker- The Husband. He becomes the master and slaves ask for help always.The happiness and safety of the slaves always remain in the hands of the master. And the master enjoys his superiority and masculinity through establishing various principles of traditions, honor, and values to manipulate things for his sake.

Should this be the way of life? Should women seek a proper job to feed them or a ‘man’ to rule over them in the name of protection and safety? Should the men marry any girl of their choice without having the consent of the girl? should women sacrifice their lives in the name of honor or traditions? Should men tell their daughters to face all abuses and stay in an abusive relationship at all cost? Should men not help women in the kitchen to maintain their superiority and masculinity? Should women allow their boys to learn some house chores to help their wives in future? SHOULD WE NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT THESE MATTERS EVEN IN THE MOST MODERN ERA OF THIS CENTURY

To Crazy, Hardworking, Housewives​!

TAKE A BREAK!

WHEN YOU HAVE LESS TIME TO ENJOY; YOU WILL ENJOY MORE!

Enjoyment is basically very relative term. Our brains are designed to enjoy when we have certain limitations. They might be limitations of time, energy, or space. For example, when we take a short break after a long hard work; we enjoy our little break more than the full day off. Similarly, we enjoy the ‘day-off’ more than the weak holidays. Here, I am focusing on the housewives who totally devote their time to house affairs and kids. Obviously, they find time to take rest occasionally but at the same time their job is never ending and seems to continue forever! People would never regard their work as a real work – rather they would think these women are either enjoying or wasting their time. So much so, these women don’t themselves recognize their efforts towards the humanity and universe overall. Many of these working women go into depression and become patients of anxiety and stress disorders. They find no outlet for themselves unless they seek for it with passion and motivation. Moreover, they are never appreciated on their traits by their close family members for being a hard worker at home, for being a sacrificing human at home, for being gentle and caring at home or for being restless at home!

If you think you are fit in these women’s general criteria and you are one of them then take a break. You don’t need to go ahead in your blind passion for house chores. There is no stop line and you will get nothing out of it. It is not an advertisement about money matters, financial freedom or requirement of the job by the job market. My concern is related to your mental health, self-esteem, and self-enhancement living within your limits and opportunities. If and for most of the time, you are free to choose your destiny; then throw yourself into the sea of unknown – outside. There are plenty of opportunities for you to choose from, to excel and to get adapted to. You should never ever choose to live under someone’s influence and control with no gain at all. This sounds crazy! Isn’t it! Yes, it is. Even if you feel tired and exhausted while doing two jobs at the same time, you are traveling towards your goals and not stagnant at one place!

In short, for the women of patriarchal cultures, women should take a break from the house chores and do something else to bring a change into their mental and physical lives. Otherwise, nobody will force them to do that. The culture, beliefs, and customs would keep them from real life situations and stop their energies to flourish. Such women should not rely on their fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons to take care of them in old age; rather they should take a step ahead to take care of themselves. And that is worth taking care! Such breaks would make them happy, calm and energetic than being lethargic, stuck and confused while doing lots.

THANKS 

………..if you love me!

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Every body in this world loves to his or her family in his or her unique way. This looks very ridiculous when one defines love as the definition of love is perceived very differently by each of us. After all we all are human. Our perceptions are unique and valuable. However, when it is the true love, it does not matter how you are going to display it.

For example, one could buy a new care for his beloved one, the other could buy a ring, and someone could just buy a flower to express his intimate love. Even one can express his love by different ways in one’s  life at different occasions. There is no ambiguity in this definition at all.

The second way of expressing love is through gestures, attitudes and behaviour. When one is caring, helping and behaving nicely to his beloved, it is the expression of love. There are ,no doubt, thousands of expressions to show love to your beloved ones. And many of us adopt a unique way to express their feelings of love to their beloved ones. We don’t find this information contradictory and confusing at all.

The third way is very strange and negative. Some people among us think they love someone when they :

Expect care from others,

Expect respect from others,

Force others to follow them,

Motivate others to imitate them,

Make others to obey them,

Help others to make them obliged,

Speak with them to give them company they need,

Even love them in charity,

Teach others the ways they like for them to adopt,

Try to influence others by their thoughts and beliefs,

Want to see others as per their own wish and desire,

And think they are superior to all whom they love the most.

In short they  think they love their fellows, that is why they are supposed to guide them in the way they think is better for them. They never leave their beloved ones free to choose; rather they limit their options by hook or crook . They never care for others aspirations, dreams or skills; rather they expect total surrender to their wishes from them. These people think they are in love with their beloved ones and this is the true expression of their love for them. So much so, some of them cross the road of humanity and dignity in their perception of love and become perpetrators of sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. There is no excuse for them, as they don’t know the definition of love. This is absolutely a crime, an abuse and a selfish human act that should never be ignored. Please perceive the love of your beloved ones in these lines; otherwise the next victim of abuse could be you!

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When a girl is born in the UK, her parents welcome the child with flowers of love, care, and unconditional affection. Girl daughters feel very proud of being a daughter and start their life with great confidence and motivation. They are pleasantly taught about the rules of life in which they are expected to be educated as much as possible, to achieve a career to their satisfaction, and to live a happy life ever after. They are taught about the freedom they will enjoy in their life; they are taught about their rights ( right to move, right to dress-up, right to marry, right to re-marry, right to divorce, right to have kids’ custody, right to speak about their love and interests, right to save their life, right to leave a bad person’s company, right to live alone, right to speak for their rights, right to call police in time of danger, right to excel, right to live as per their wish). Girls are always their parent’s daughters like sons: no discrimination at all. Girls enjoy the same lifestyle as their brothers keep rather they are more valued and honored. Parents spend more on little girls and let them enjoy the games like judo, karate, gymnastic, swimming, boxing, and other skills even when they are 3 or 4 years old. Usually, girls show more energy and flexibility in these games! They are never given any message in which they would be fearful about their future husband, future home or future in-laws! They are never given any idea of ‘leaving home after marriage’, rather they can live forever with their parents if they would like. Girls are more protected in a sense they can live alone after they are grown up. They can choose their partner and get a divorce without having any ‘honor killing’ syndrome. They can very easily shut the door to their husband if he is harassing them or abusing them in any form.  They  are not mentally prepared for the house hold work in future ( for the husband and his family). They are not waiting for the prince to take them to his palace to protect them ( an imaginary theme). They are free to move anywhere in the world with peace of mind and happiness. They are free to choose any profession, any vehicle to travel, and any identity to own. They enjoy the support of their parents, culture, society and the government in each and every field of life. They are very much pampered and loved. 

    It does not mean there is no rape, no sexual or emotional abuse, no threat and no killing in this society. There are still some cases to report and to feel scared; however, they are not as much in quantity as much we ( in Pakistan) could note and publish. In each home of Pakistan, gender discrimination, gender differences, physical and emotional abuses, parental control ( negative )and female child neglect is very much prevalent. A female child starts her life with lots of mixed messages about her female role at home, in society and in her married life. She is supposed to adopt that role in her adult life irrespective of her education or career choices. She is very much forced to think in that particular way in which she is a female, a responsibility to parents, a subject of fear, a figure of special respect, a source of honor, a guest in her parents home, a person who will be living the life of her husband, a person who will leave her parental home for her husband’s home, a person who cannot live alone with respect and honor, a person who is less powerful than a man, a person who would always need a man to protect her, a person who is vulnerable to various traumas, a person who should be caring, loving and serving to others, a weak person and a weak decision maker. 

   

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Thus girls, even from educated and well-established families suffer a lot. They do not enjoy their life as they would if they were born in the UK ( or any other liberal society). They are very much oppressed and suppressed due to societal norms, traditions and customs. They even like those traditions and beliefs as the change would disturb their comfort zone. However, this is not what should continue as many of them are suffering a lot due to these discriminatory acts and thoughts,painful beliefs, cruel customs, horrible traditions, bizarre irregularities, injustices, emotional, physical and sexual abuses. Mostly women who suffer from such traumas in their childhood, are  very much vulnerable to anxieties, depression, and post traumatic stress disorders in their adulthood. So much so, suicidal thoughts are very common among such victims.

    Therefore, I request you ( if you are a parent) to please negate the beliefs that create any discrimination among your kids; ( if you are a girl) fight for your own rights or at least never accept any negative belief; (if you are a victim) speak about it on any forum you could and if you are in any capacity to protect someone you know- please go ahead and bring a change in society.

Thanks

courtesy to Google images

Female Child Abuse in Pakistan​

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Almost every other child in Pakistan is being, physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally severely abused by her own family members. The data is usually not collected and news is never generated for ordinary people. Even if the news is being printed, the case is being registered; there is no output from police or courts. 

People do not check their attitude towards their kids- usually, it is too rigid, harsh and intolerable. They scold them, beat them and even torture them so badly that they feel like to run away from home. Especially for the females, their behavior is never acceptable. The following examples will further elaborate the concept of female abuse in detail: 
a. Most of the parents never welcome a female child – a kind of abuse
b. Parents always expect from female child to take care of siblings and others in terms of house chores and serving food. 
c. The female child is rarely exposed to good education and health needs. 
d. Female Child is always kept home due to security and religious reasons. 
e. The female child is never allowed to play in parks with boys  or alone.
f. the female child is not given skill or technical education. 
g. female child is always exposed to toxic beliefs : such as leaving home after marriage, being obedient to husband; being obedient to in-laws; never ask for her own interests; sacrifice for the family honor; never argue in front of husband; never think of her own income; girls first priority is home; girls should be expert in cooking; girls should not participate in family matters as they have to leave the family one day; girls should not go to markets often; girls should not mix with boys; girls should not speak loudly; sons are better than daughters; and many alike.Some of the beliefs are not bad itself; however, they are used in such a negative way that contribute towards female child abuse very much.  
g. The female child is encouraged to look after her face, body, and dress more than other things (education, career, finance, and security) as she is supposed to win a beauty contest for the future husband. 
h. Some female children are being sold, dropped somewhere or left unattended for being female at home. 
i. Some fathers always blame their wives for giving birth to a female child in front of their daughters. 
j. People offer food to male members first and then females. This applies to other things also. 
k. The females are less likely to be exposed to driving a car, bus or truck. Similarly, she is less likely to shop (any big item that a boy can buy), run a business or have a bank account under parents guidance. As a child, they are never educated to adapt these roles in future. 
L. Parents spend a lot on sons compared to daughters. 
m. The female child is less likely to have friends or enjoy any social circle. 
There are many other restrictions that make a female child less confident, less motivated and less creative. They are never able to lead their own lives and follow their dreams. Rather they always walk on the egg shells with the fear of being homeless, stigmatized or tortured ( in some cases being dead). 
 
Thanks 
Courtesy to google images

Parental Emotional Support in Time can Prevent Children from being Emotionally Abused in Future!

There is no doubt that parents are supposed to take care of their children all kinds of needs: physical, security, esteem, social, educational, economic and emotional ones. In our culture( the culture of Pakistan), emotional needs are very much neglected by the parents consciously or unconsciously. You can, however, learn how to fulfill your child’s emotional needs by following the simple rules listed below:

  1. by exploring their emotions on various subjects and asking them what they felt over; how they would like to be treated; what is good; what is bad; if this would happen, what are they supposed to do? what is more important? What is least important? What is good for them and what is bad for them? In this way, you could explore your children’s emotional sphere in depth and guide them accordingly.
  2. by giving them plenty of opportunities to boost their self-confidence. Remember, if your child is shy and passive in nature; it is not your neighbor’s responsibility to make her social. You have to be social first, have social interactions and set an example for your child to make her social. Having friends is always good for children. They should be encouraged to have a healthy friendship, social interactions, and maintain a rich social life. However, some children by birth are of shy nature. They should also be provided enough experiences to boost their confidence level and to overcome social anxiety if they have.
  3. Whenever your child is low in emotions; it should not be ignored. Please talk to your child if she is kept lying on her bed since long or she is in a bad mood, or she is being emotional in any way.
  4. Keep an eye on your child’s big events. Big events don’t mean ‘birthdays’ or ‘kids’ day’, or ‘new year day’; rather it means what your child is passionate about; what she longs for; and what she adores. If it is something odd, strange or worrisome-discuss, discuss, and discuss a lot about it. It is kind of poison that should not stay in the body for a long time; otherwise severe consequences would occur.
  5. Many parents claim that they are the friend of their child, whereas in real life it seems as if they are not even in a healthy relationship. Where lays the problem? In fact, there is no consistency and fluidity in parents’ behavior. They usually behave well in a good mood but bad in a bad mood as well. So they loose trust on their children. Like a boss who is good in good time and worse in a bad mood. Friends are not like this. They need to maintain a very consistent temperament throughout their life to maintain a very healthy relationship with their friend. On the opposite side, it does not mean you should be nice and kind all the time; rather you should be firm, passionate, encouraging, persistent, and a secure guide all the time- like teachers to some extent. Rather you can be friendlier to them – more than teachers in your capacity but at the same time more persistent and flexible. One thing more, if you think that you can replace friends of your child’s life, you are wrong. You can be ‘like friend’ but not ‘friend’ indeed.

So emotions of your child should be regulated, trained, maintained and nurtured very carefully, passionately and regularly. In the end, they will not only become your friends, rather will become good decision makers, nation builders, leaders, helpers, persistent and consistent workers, brave and brilliant students, courageous and social human beings in future.

 

Rukhsati (part 2): a source of emotional and psychological abuse!

Rukhsai is a concept which means a girl is not supposed to live with her parents after marriage and should live with her husband and his family forever. This or the similar meanings exist almost in every home of Pakistan and India. When a girl is born, she is usually blessed with some statements like,” God bless her with great luck and destiny” which means that god give her a good husband and in-laws in future (otherwise her luck is bad luck and there is no future for her anymore). People focus upon girls husband more than the girl itself. Education of the husband is more important than the education of the daughter; job of the husband is more important; home of the husband is more important and family of the husband is more important than family of the girl (where the girl was born). When our daughters listen to such mixed messages, they start dreaming of their future in terms of their hubby and in-laws (in some cases). They do not dream about their own future in terms of their education, profession or own home. They deny owning/upgrading their parents home as it is like a guest house where they are living for a short period. They even have little right in making decisions about their own life and future as it is the property of their future husband! In many cases girls are forced to marry as it is good for their brothers coming marriages.  

What about a girl who wants to feel like a boy in her home ? She regrets why she is born in a female body. She simply does not like the idea of leaving home or leaving home for hubby.In this case, there is no solution. She has no choice – either go for a marriage or face the curses of family members! She will never be appreciated or encouraged by doing so, rather people will blame her for increasing problems for her parents. 

Given the fact that a girl is very much protected by this way; it is a continuous pain in some of the little hearts ( aged 0 to 16). Toddler girls are unable to understand the hidden message and take it the other way round. They feel they are less loved, less welcome, and less motivated in return. They start feeling that they are not like boys or boys have many privileges in society  that they lack. They appreciate their parents for being there for them always in spite of the fact they are not staying with them forever. They feel reluctant to choose difficult professions, difficult subjects, or difficult lines in life as it will increase burden on their parents shoulder. They feel they are unable to return their parents’ blessings in shape of living together, helping them and supporting them. They feel home sickness in the very young age; lack of security; fear of unknown; and absence of parents even in the company of parents. This is the biggest reason for being inactive, aggressive (in some cases), shy, moody, agitated, depress, anxious, worried, and self-centred or non-social. These problems would lead to further cognitive and  personality disorders.

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There are countless reasons for not giving such concepts to a female child. A child, boy or girl has equal rights upon parents even in case of conceptual background. Female child should not be discriminated against male child on the ground of living together with parents. Female child needs unconditional love as much as male child; female child should feel secure and completely loved like male child in every situation of life; female child should not be treated as she is lacking something as compared to male child in terms of rights and responsibilities; and most of all female child should be given the same space in the home as the male child throughout their life span! 

Note:

This article is written while keeping in view the Pakistani culture and customs.

Stop Abusing Your Kids!

Abuse is a wide term that can start from a little humiliating joke to threatening a person to death. Every individual perceive it differently and silently! However, a general rule of thumb is that it is some feeling that you bear out of being abused from someone you know. Parents are not free from this kind of allegation as some of us definitely abuse their children. How can a parent abuse his child? There are many ways to abuse a child in which some are
being short listed below:

a. When a parent deliberately ignores his child’s needs such as cleaning, washing, feeding, cuddling and teaching..
b. When you see a child in danger and do not react in the best possible way to help the child whether it is your or someone else’s.
c. When you teach your child how to harm others, how to tell a lie, how to create fuss or how to make mess- you are abusing her.
d. When you do not stop your child from being aggressive, being crazy, being obsessive, or from being selfish. In each case, it is your duty as a parent to teach your child about her possible negative behavioral consequences.
e. When you teach your child about wrong, negative and harmful traditions of your society. Your child is not supposed to fulfill demands of society’s unhealthy and cruel traditions if there are any.
f. When you do not give your child a sense of confidence that she could share her feelings with you; you are abusing her. She will not feel secure unless you make her feel secure by your behavior and verbal assurance.
g. When you leave your child in a stressful situation to punish her. It is also a kind of abuse if your child is innocent and not getting what you mean.
h. When you force your child to sit with people she does not like or when you force your child to talk to people she does not like to talk to. You are not supposed to force your child to do anything unless her safety and security is compromised in doing so.
i. When you leave your child with others whom you are not sure if they would provide enough care to your child.
j. When you threat your child to leave her alone or any other kind of threat!

These are all passive abusive behaviors that most of the parents unconsciously adapt. It is always good to see our attitude in terms of abusive language; sometimes we can modify our role and become a good parent!