The toxic​ concept of ‘Rukhsati’ with worst implications

Suppose you give a toy to your child to play with and say that the toy does not belong to him, instead to someone else who is going to pick it up after a few hours. What do you think the child will do. Evidently, he will play with that toy but with what kind of feelings? Will he be overjoyed at finding/borrowing a toy? Will he want to take that toy with him forever? Will he be a little bit careful while playing with that toy as it does not wholly belong to him? Will he name that toy with love and passion? Will he be happy at returning that toy to someone after playing with it for a few hours? Will his feelings be the same as if this toy would be his own? Naturally, he would not love that toy as much as he would if that toy entirely belongs to him. He would be more than happy; if his mom says,” you can have this toy as long as you like, it is yours.” Now, in this scenario, the feelings of the boy would be entirely changed. He would like to play with the toy with great passion, no fear, total care, and commitment. He will have no fear of losing it after some time. He might name this toy and make it his best friend ever. There are lots of possibilities of the great relationship with that toy.

Now, suppose that toy is also a human being. In that case, that person would feel the same emotions. In case of leaving the person, playing with him, he will feel dejected, fearful, sad, stressed and anxious. He might develop some personality disorders while staying in an unpredictable, non-consistent and uncertain environment. On the other hand, upon finding a true guardian permanently, he would become overjoyed, content, peaceful, happy, satisfied and balanced overall. His personality would grow and shine in future while living in a settled, harmonious and non-contradictory household.

The above example is only to show you the difference in girls emotions when they live with their parents with the background of leaving them permanently after marriage or with the background of living with them permanently irrespective of marital status going on. Mostly girls, in developed countries of the world carry no burden of leaving their parents at any stage of life. They marry and decide where to live as per their own choice. They don’t have to leave their parents – not at all. So they are more confident, more energetic, more enthusiastic and more lively in almost all spheres of life. The parents, on the other hand, groom them with unconditioned love, great care and affection with no fear of losing them at any stage of life. The bond is everlasting.

In our societies, where girls are no more free to choose where they want to live; they are usually raised up in their parent’s homes, and then they are sent to their grooms home to live forever. In such cases, one is always shaky, fearful and reluctant before making any decision/ taking any step towards education, career, or relationships. People behave as if they are waiting for the disaster of leaving their girls on marriage day and girls act as if they are ready to sacrifice their whole lives for the sake of parents honor and dignity through leaving their home forever. Ironically it is normal to think like that. However, in traumatic situations, where parents have only one girl to look after them, or the girl could not find a groom to live with, things become more complicated, stressful and traumatized. Stupidity, negligence, and ignorance make their lives worse than ever. They don’t understand that laws or traditions are for the benefit of the humanity rather than being destructive and toxic in nature.

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Neechey Lagna – a toxic concept of Patriarchal Culture of Pakistan

In Pakistani culture, many sayings/ concepts have taken the place of cultural things, and people consciously/unconsciously accepts them and adopt them in their life. One of those concepts is, “ to be overly obedient to your wife” ( beewi key neechey lag jana). It means that if someone is taking care of his wife’s needs, paying attention to her desires, respecting or following her wishes- he is not a real ‘Man’. So much so, people think that the real Man should control his wife, never pay attention to her to prove his masculinity, and should rather treat her harshly so that he could stand up in society with pride and dignity. Men usually make the joke of other people who strive to keep their families happy and in peace. These men not only control their own families by the fake conceptual concept of masculinity rather don’t tolerate others breaking such laws by criticizing them by all means.

According to this concept, men who take care of wife’s relatives; men who take care of children in the absence of wife; men who do house chores if wife needs them; men who provide help to their sick wives; men who share some wife’s responsibility at home; men who take their family outside to leisure purposes; men who shares their secrets with their wives; men who spend more time at home with their wife and children; men who prefer their family to any one else and men who considers their wife’s opinion before deciding about any thing of future are all come under this category. Unfortunately, these men are not appreciated rather judged very negatively by the society members as well as their relatives. These men fight for being good with their families, struggle to behave nicely against the demands of society and force themselves to live happily with their families as the community is entirely against them and their attitude!
On the other hand, men who maintain the concept of Manhood, control their families through various ways:

a. They would never listen to their spouse.
b. They are never willing to help their partner even in time of severe need.
c. They spend much time with their friends rather than wives
d. They never offer a hand to their wives even when they are sick
e. They expect their wives should do all for them from cooking, shopping, cleaning till child caring and earning.
f. They feel no obligation towards their wives and children.
g. They think they will lose their masculinity if they play with their kids often.
h. They are afraid of being a ‘bad man ‘ in the eyes of society

The main problem is that people don’t understand what the best behavior in the eyes of God is. They follow their own rules and put their lives in trouble. The above concept of ‘neachey lagna’ or to become overly kind to someone is entirely wrong and means nothing at all. One should behave nicely with his/her family irrespective of the societal standards ( if they are false and abusive in nature). One should prioritize his/her family needs and prefer it to anything else in life with no guilt and worry. Being kind, caring, loving, friendly, and helpful is never wrong, no matter what the reason is. If doing sacrifice to your family is valuable for women, it should also be worthwhile to men. Men respecting their families are fabulous indeed; men controlling their families are fake and destructive in nature. We, being a part of a vigilant society, should speak against such concepts and promote more nice and worthy ideas instead.

Mind Your Beliefs

Tensions and worries are of dissimilar varieties. Some are based on relationships, some are financial and others are conceptual. We live in a variety of cultures, thus experiences are too complex and ambiguous at a large level. Notwithstanding, our many of the troubles could be solved through a simple cognitive therapy or a therapy of belief change. When you meet with any such thing; believe me, it could be solved with a thrust button. Let me give you some more examples:

 People call me……………… and I simply do not like this word.

  1. I like to have some………..Instead of doing something about this………………..
  2. This confinement is too much, I am not ready to have it………
  3. Why he said this word…………… to me
  4. I do not like my subject……………. And prefer……………
  5. I behave not wish this color………… would like to exchange it for this color…………
  6. I suppose I should not do this in…………. Way
  7. I do not like this chore………..I would do instead…………. Chore

Belief can be replaced by another belief-similar in nature, with similar argument and convincing thought. When your anxiety provoking belief is creating a substantial injury in your emotional life; you need to replace it. This is a little tricky process, merely after holding it fixed you will be out of trouble forever.

When you suppose you prefer this to that and what you prefer is not within your reach, you necessitate to alter your mindset or feeling. As there is no other way left to deal with such a problem. Normally you are not ready to leave your principle, belief, concept or prospect; as that is your identity, passion and ego. Realistically, you have to deal with it: either work to attain what you want or leave it forever with a convincing idea. For the second strategy, you demand to convince yourself that your opinion is wrong indeed.

To convince yourself that your opinion is faulty or ineffective; you have to struggle with finding another comparative belief with the power to supersede the senior one. It should be more convincing in terms of impact and more overpowering in terms of settling in the brain. Allow me to present you some lessons of genuine change:

When my son is crazy for one specific toy, I try to shift his attention by replacing the belief with some other similar but cheap options. If he is asking for a car (expensive one); I will show him another car (not expensive) but with some distinguish feature. I will not show him the cat, hen, or plane to change his concept.

You do not like something for some special reason in your mind; that specific thing can also be adored for some exceptional reason (you do not know by chance). Try to find that special thing that could convince you to change your mindset. When you do not like someone for some reason; you could like him/her too for another reason (if you try to find that).

To conclude, we need to convince ourselves positively that we are blessed in the best possible way. We can see many reasons for being happy and satisfied instead of feeling regret or resented. The things we do not like, can become our passion and people we do not want to face, can become our best allies. Though it requires a hard work from our side from going through a long and persistent process of seeking, researching and establishing new relevant concepts, to replacing them with the previous ones instantly.  Have you ever tried that? No, do it with me any time.