I prefer being a decision maker, financial supporter, independent, decisive, assertive and elegant over being a tolerant, obedient, selfless, passive, empathetic, compromising, hospitable, and relationship-oriented.
When you are going out for a walk or for any trivial thing, what is usually in your mind? Very simple, you think about things to do next or things going on in your life at that moment. Sometimes, some kind of information is so strong that you even cant focus on your present talk- this time the information hidden in your brain is stronger than all other confounding factors. Let’s say you have been told that you are going to be a millionaire- should you see the world around you in the same light or very differently. Definitely very differently. Your all vision to see the world including trees, flowers, grasses, landscapes, seaside, buildings, roads or even a look on your own close family members will be changed for that moment! And what next- you will smile and react on the information with great gestures. You might be very pleasing, happy and satisfied in the coming few days at least! You will be under the influence of this informational background until you get some other unconscious thoughts to interrupt this one. Then you will be again under the effect of that specific thought. And the circle of unconscious tutorship will never end until you die!
This is a very powerful technique if we utilize it in our learning paradigm. We must encourage our kids to learn more and more not because of the motivation of getting some rewards or not having punishment incentives rather because in the mind there is something powerful to guide them in the way they should. It could be a thought that you have to do it for the sake of your dignity, respect and honour; or it could be a thought that challenging kids are always winners or leaders, or it could be a belief that you have to prove that you can do it by tomorrow. It might not be suitable to the young pupil; however, it will be must strategy for the teenagers. For the young pupil, there should be something to achieve practically- other than an abstract concept. They should be given a title to prove themselves what they should look like. They would happily imitate that personality/model in real life. Moreover, it should be unique to maintain the integrity of the child. It should also be relevant to the child’s personality. It can be an odd idea or can be any complex concept that a child may grasp, accept and internalize. One would need to juggle around to find a strategy to deal with the child’s unconscious mind so that he could start living up to the high standards(usually set by parents or teachers). It looks very simple- but indeed it is not that easy!
Suppose you give a toy to your child to play with and say that the toy does not belong to him, instead to someone else who is going to pick it up after a few hours. What do you think the child will do. Evidently, he will play with that toy but with what kind of feelings? Will he be overjoyed at finding/borrowing a toy? Will he want to take that toy with him forever? Will he be a little bit careful while playing with that toy as it does not wholly belong to him? Will he name that toy with love and passion? Will he be happy at returning that toy to someone after playing with it for a few hours? Will his feelings be the same as if this toy would be his own? Naturally, he would not love that toy as much as he would if that toy entirely belongs to him. He would be more than happy; if his mom says,” you can have this toy as long as you like, it is yours.” Now, in this scenario, the feelings of the boy would be entirely changed. He would like to play with the toy with great passion, no fear, total care, and commitment. He will have no fear of losing it after some time. He might name this toy and make it his best friend ever. There are lots of possibilities of the great relationship with that toy.
Now, suppose that toy is also a human being. In that case, that person would feel the same emotions. In case of leaving the person, playing with him, he will feel dejected, fearful, sad, stressed and anxious. He might develop some personality disorders while staying in an unpredictable, non-consistent and uncertain environment. On the other hand, upon finding a true guardian permanently, he would become overjoyed, content, peaceful, happy, satisfied and balanced overall. His personality would grow and shine in future while living in a settled, harmonious and non-contradictory household.
The above example is only to show you the difference in girls emotions when they live with their parents with the background of leaving them permanently after marriage or with the background of living with them permanently irrespective of marital status going on. Mostly girls, in developed countries of the world carry no burden of leaving their parents at any stage of life. They marry and decide where to live as per their own choice. They don’t have to leave their parents – not at all. So they are more confident, more energetic, more enthusiastic and more lively in almost all spheres of life. The parents, on the other hand, groom them with unconditioned love, great care and affection with no fear of losing them at any stage of life. The bond is everlasting.
In our societies, where girls are no more free to choose where they want to live; they are usually raised up in their parent’s homes, and then they are sent to their grooms home to live forever. In such cases, one is always shaky, fearful and reluctant before making any decision/ taking any step towards education, career, or relationships. People behave as if they are waiting for the disaster of leaving their girls on marriage day and girls act as if they are ready to sacrifice their whole lives for the sake of parents honor and dignity through leaving their home forever. Ironically it is normal to think like that. However, in traumatic situations, where parents have only one girl to look after them, or the girl could not find a groom to live with, things become more complicated, stressful and traumatized. Stupidity, negligence, and ignorance make their lives worse than ever. They don’t understand that laws or traditions are for the benefit of the humanity rather than being destructive and toxic in nature.
In our culture when a man starts earning to fulfill his own needs, he is eligible to search a girl to get married to start a comfortable life with her. Apparently he thinks he is getting married ; in other words he is looking for a girl from a decent family, educated to some extent, good looking with fair complexion, can cook for the whole family, can serve him from day till night, can obey him in every matter, leave her parental family forever, and bear his nature at any cost! He needs a lifelong servant in the name of a wife whom he could beat, curse, humiliate, degrade, dictate, abuse and divorce anytime with no obligation and guilt. Being entirely independent financially, economically, secure from each perspective, and influential in the conservative society of Pakistan, he could bring his dream girl home and treat her as per his own rules and principles.
The alternatively, girls seek no job at all in their young age and entirely depend on their future ‘Man’ whether he is worth considering or not. In other words, they seek a job; a job in which one feels degraded, humiliated and abused on daily basis; a job in which you receive a bed to sleep, food to eat, and a set pattern of life to live according to someone else’s wishes and desires; a job in which you are supposed to do whatever your partner is asking for without any hesitation or reluctance; a job in which you are easily dismissed even after 50 years of work experience; a job in which there is no reason to say ‘no’ to carry out what your boss is asking for; a job with no set rules and principles; a job in which you can’t expect any thing from your boss in return; a job in which you are Not allowed to move without the permission of your boss; a job in which you are not allowed to take rest whenever you feel tired; a job in which no one considers you on job even; a job that pays ‘nothing’ and demands a full time work without any holiday; and a job that is known as ‘ house wife’ in the whole wide world. In addition to the facts described above, one can hardly think there is something wrong with it.
After marriage, girls totally depend on their husbands financially, emotionally, socially, physically and psychologically. So their needs can be easily threatened and manipulated by the one and only caretaker- The Husband. He becomes the master and slaves ask for help always.The happiness and safety of the slaves always remain in the hands of the master. And the master enjoys his superiority and masculinity through establishing various principles of traditions, honor, and values to manipulate things for his sake.
Should this be the way of life? Should women seek a proper job to feed them or a ‘man’ to rule over them in the name of protection and safety? Should the men marry any girl of their choice without having the consent of the girl? should women sacrifice their lives in the name of honor or traditions? Should men tell their daughters to face all abuses and stay in an abusive relationship at all cost? Should men not help women in the kitchen to maintain their superiority and masculinity? Should women allow their boys to learn some house chores to help their wives in future? SHOULD WE NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT THESE MATTERS EVEN IN THE MOST MODERN ERA OF THIS CENTURY
Should we think about things and worldly affairs, all the time or, it is better to relax, do what we need to do, and leave the result to the destiny. Usually, we waste time in planning about our future and doing nothing at the moment. We spend a considerable amount of time to comfort our physical needs and too little upon our spiritual needs. We think materialistic things will provide us real comfort and peace. In fact, they are meant to give us peace and happiness provided we are already happy and in a good mood. It is a cruel fact that we could be distressed and anxious while lying in our luxurious bed! We cant get enough food and feel right if we are not in total peace. Therefore, our all physical needs are essential to be fulfilled if our basic human needs are already fulfilled. A man who is hungry, sleepless(due to some anxiety and stress), and fearful could never enjoy the diamond glass, bed of roses or a grand house to live in. At first, we need to fulfill our basic needs till we are satisfied and in peace in our tiny life. Then we could think about buying some add-ons. Though some add-ons are necessary these days, for example, mobiles, computers, and TVs. Think about a man who is sick – would he enjoy the tv, computer or mobile as much as he could being a healthy one. No. so the health is the first wealth one could wish for in time of sickness. Likewise sleep is the best medicine. If one cannot sleep due to some stress, he or she would need some therapy or some help to feel better rather than a comfortable bed or couch. After getting peace of mind, he could enhance his sleep time by having a warm bed or a cozy mattress. Similarly, think about a woman who needs to become a mother. She is in dire need of that. Should she be comfortable if you provide her with a great job and a huge amount to spend on her! She would never be happy with all of this stuff unless she becomes the mother of one at least! Human beings are like that. We all need basic things to some level; after that, we can struggle for more items. When one has a room to live in, food to eat, a bed to sleep, job to work, relationships to become social, and friends to talk; then life becomes less miserable, and one can think of other add-ons.
Keeping above in view, we can say that all human needs that marketers are trying to exploit by their lavishly wordings are not serving their purpose. The best quality of the home is not essential to make us truly happy, rather the quality of relationship we hold is much more important. The quality of health is much more important than the quality of make-up we are looking for to impress others. Similarly, the love, peace, and mental well-being are true gifts of God and much better than millions in banks with constant torture, stress, anxiety, and depression. No doubt, we could enjoy both the freedom of choice and the harmony of love along with the tranquility of peace at the same time if we are very much blessed and honored.
I wonder why we struggle for something important to us. Though it is the pure way to express ourselves in the best possible manner; it is not always justifiable. Actually we are slaves of many things starting from our dreams, desires, aspirations, obligations, concepts and perceptions to our customs, culture and religion. We can tell a lie to our friends, parents, and relatives, but we know what is truth inside us. We know we are following a path of our own choice.
Unconsciously or consciously we are running towards our set goals. In this journey we never stop. Starting from our birthday, when we cry for our favourite toys, dolls, and cars until the day of death when we only yearn for a healthy body! At times we are hungry for food, and the other times we are happy for our newly bought luxury car. People forget about their dreams after they achieve them and start dreaming again! We are human, so we do the same.
The point is that why we do all of this stuff ? Do we really really need it? Can we live a happy life without something we desire very deeply in our heart? Should we strive for the success or for the peace hidden in that success? Are we not wasting our time by engaging ourselves in worldly affairs? Is there any power to save us from cruelties of life miraculously or we are just believing in supernatural powers to feel protected and secured?
Whatever is the case, we are not ready to leave our mind-set for any trivial reason. We want to experience the reality and check about the laws ourselves through our own experiments. We don’t like short cuts; rather we want to struggle hard to find the truth. We are like young kids who want to check if the fire burns or not. How can we behave wisely in our childhood?
You know what is the first thing in life- important to all of you whether you are young, adult or old? The very first and foremost thing in life is your own peace of mind and satisfaction over all. Until or unless you are not satisfied with whatever you do; you will not stop running around. At the same time if you are happy, satisfied and at peace; you are there already where each one of us want to reach. Now its up to you, how you get that eternal peace – through adopting the ways that most suit you or through following the paths of other successful humans.
The most important care in this self examination is that you should not keep negative goals with you in the first place. The negative goals are never meant to get the same positive results. So if you want to become rich and then happy; you are basically negative in your approach. You need to mend your thought and say that you want to become happy- might be through riches or other sources of nature. In this way, you are totally positive in your basic approach towards life.
Keep it up and be happy!
I always cherished wealth as something beautiful, alluring and mind-blowing thing to feel proud of. I have never thought my life ahead without my pretty, ambitious desires, wishes, and aspirations. I thought it is the only form of happiness one could achieve by hard work and motivation. I thought I need to have a rich background if I want so and so….
Now I feel I was 100 percent wrong. People still would not feel like me – as it is very hard to realize what it is in the actual sense. Let me give you some examples:
A person dying from any trivial form of cancer would be ready to give his all belongings to you in return of his health!
A person who wants to become a parent would be much likely to spend all his wealth to fulfill his/her ultimate desire!
A person who is crazy for being socially acceptable and popular artist, would not care for his wealth in case he needs to spend it lavishly to achieve his goal!
A person who wants to settle down abroad might empty his all bank balance to create a life of his own choice!
Anyone who is crazy for someone or something could sacrifice much more wealth than he realizes for that very cause. Nothing wrong with it.
In short, we, basically, follow our desires, aspirations, and inspirations in life after fulfilling our basic needs of food, health, and shelter. And we are always ready to spend on such wishes, no matter how strange they are in the eyes of others. In other words, our wishes or needs (not basic) are our bosses who control us and make us think about them. We for most of the time are under such influence and for a very short time act wisely. It creates a vicious circle of desiring and fulfillment – after one wish always there is one more. Should it ever stop! Just like hope, such desires never stop, rather should not stop. The only thing we could do better is to control these loops through planning wisely. We can focus on our long-term goals and leave other distractions at all. After fulfilling our basic needs, we should not be controlled by others: marketers, business men, customer seekers, or any other entrepreneur. These people would never let us follow our real goals and distract us from achieving them by hard ways. Therefore, it is our duty to carry out all that is needed to follow our goals of life and spend money in the right direction, not anywhere else.
Thus, money itself is not helpful in any way; rather it provides us ways to satisfy our needs – need to fulfil our hunger, need to have a shelter, need of dressing up, need of maintaining social status, need to learn, need to become a healthy person, need to explore the world in depth, need to get married, need to get trained and need to earn more and more. It implies that if you are a needy person- you would need money and at the same time you would not need money if you are satisfied with your life overall. If all said above is true, whom, you guess should be the wealthiest person of the world!
Every body in this world loves to his or her family in his or her unique way. This looks very ridiculous when one defines love as the definition of love is perceived very differently by each of us. After all we all are human. Our perceptions are unique and valuable. However, when it is the true love, it does not matter how you are going to display it.
For example, one could buy a new care for his beloved one, the other could buy a ring, and someone could just buy a flower to express his intimate love. Even one can express his love by different ways in one’s life at different occasions. There is no ambiguity in this definition at all.
The second way of expressing love is through gestures, attitudes and behaviour. When one is caring, helping and behaving nicely to his beloved, it is the expression of love. There are ,no doubt, thousands of expressions to show love to your beloved ones. And many of us adopt a unique way to express their feelings of love to their beloved ones. We don’t find this information contradictory and confusing at all.
The third way is very strange and negative. Some people among us think they love someone when they :
Expect care from others,
Expect respect from others,
Force others to follow them,
Motivate others to imitate them,
Make others to obey them,
Help others to make them obliged,
Speak with them to give them company they need,
Even love them in charity,
Teach others the ways they like for them to adopt,
Try to influence others by their thoughts and beliefs,
Want to see others as per their own wish and desire,
And think they are superior to all whom they love the most.
In short they think they love their fellows, that is why they are supposed to guide them in the way they think is better for them. They never leave their beloved ones free to choose; rather they limit their options by hook or crook . They never care for others aspirations, dreams or skills; rather they expect total surrender to their wishes from them. These people think they are in love with their beloved ones and this is the true expression of their love for them. So much so, some of them cross the road of humanity and dignity in their perception of love and become perpetrators of sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. There is no excuse for them, as they don’t know the definition of love. This is absolutely a crime, an abuse and a selfish human act that should never be ignored. Please perceive the love of your beloved ones in these lines; otherwise the next victim of abuse could be you!
Our brains are full of thoughts, perceptions and memories. They often contradict with each other at various levels and try to win. Sometimes we are convinced and settled down, while other times, we just can’t make them organised and get stressed. Some times arguments win our hearts; while other times we lose! If I say that it’s all game of logical reasoning and clarifying ideas then nothing wrong in it. The ideas we like, we adore, we publish and act upon spontaneously. The ideas we don’t like, we don’t get; we don’t bother and behave like that. Here I am talking about beliefs we really do not like, but destined to follow them due to cultural constraints and environmental limitations. Not only this, those beliefs are putting peoples’ lives at risk for depression, anxiety and stress disorders especially women’s lives are at risk for PTSD and many other traumas related to abusive conditions.
In a terrible, abusive and negative environment, out thoughts, ideas and feelings are just not intact. We think very differently from the people around us. We live a life not according to our own standards; rather as per others values and beliefs. We call our weaknesses, our limitations and never dare to say ‘NO’. We confront to our own selves and convince ourselves that others are right whereas it’s not always true. Especially in an abusive culture, one feels quite helpless in proving his/her argument, no matter how right his/her point is. As usually all others around speak against you and try to make you to follow the traditions and customs(abusive in nature) blindly and quietly.
There are many examples to quote. Like in some cultures women are not given their basic rights. They are supposed to perform /carry out many troublesome and annoying/odd/weird traditions in the name of religion and culture. And many times, they feel pressurised to do that in all circumstances. Such traditions go against women’s basic human rights; however no one questions it. For example, in some cultures, many things women are not supposed to do like men due to their feminine nature; however women should be allowed to live a happy free life-like men. Women are not encouraged to live an independent life like men in some societies which is also an example of an abusive culture. Women are not encouraged to move alone and seek for their job; also a sign of abusive environment. Women are being married due to family pressures or girls are not given the same status at home like sons; and girls are supposed to do minor things and are not considered important in decision-making for family matters. All of these are examples of abusive and negative society where one could not do certain things ( otherwise positive and important) due to unhealthy and toxic belief systems inculcated in the social norms.
Rukhsai is a concept which means a girl is not supposed to live with her parents after marriage and should live with her husband and his family forever. This or the similar meanings exist almost in every home of Pakistan and India. When a girl is born, she is usually blessed with some statements like,” God bless her with great luck and destiny” which means that god give her a good husband and in-laws in future (otherwise her luck is bad luck and there is no future for her anymore). People focus upon girls husband more than the girl itself. Education of the husband is more important than the education of the daughter; job of the husband is more important; home of the husband is more important and family of the husband is more important than family of the girl (where the girl was born). When our daughters listen to such mixed messages, they start dreaming of their future in terms of their hubby and in-laws (in some cases). They do not dream about their own future in terms of their education, profession or own home. They deny owning/upgrading their parents home as it is like a guest house where they are living for a short period. They even have little right in making decisions about their own life and future as it is the property of their future husband! In many cases girls are forced to marry as it is good for their brothers coming marriages.
What about a girl who wants to feel like a boy in her home ? She regrets why she is born in a female body. She simply does not like the idea of leaving home or leaving home for hubby.In this case, there is no solution. She has no choice – either go for a marriage or face the curses of family members! She will never be appreciated or encouraged by doing so, rather people will blame her for increasing problems for her parents.
Given the fact that a girl is very much protected by this way; it is a continuous pain in some of the little hearts ( aged 0 to 16). Toddler girls are unable to understand the hidden message and take it the other way round. They feel they are less loved, less welcome, and less motivated in return. They start feeling that they are not like boys or boys have many privileges in society that they lack. They appreciate their parents for being there for them always in spite of the fact they are not staying with them forever. They feel reluctant to choose difficult professions, difficult subjects, or difficult lines in life as it will increase burden on their parents shoulder. They feel they are unable to return their parents’ blessings in shape of living together, helping them and supporting them. They feel home sickness in the very young age; lack of security; fear of unknown; and absence of parents even in the company of parents. This is the biggest reason for being inactive, aggressive (in some cases), shy, moody, agitated, depress, anxious, worried, and self-centred or non-social. These problems would lead to further cognitive and personality disorders.
There are countless reasons for not giving such concepts to a female child. A child, boy or girl has equal rights upon parents even in case of conceptual background. Female child should not be discriminated against male child on the ground of living together with parents. Female child needs unconditional love as much as male child; female child should feel secure and completely loved like male child in every situation of life; female child should not be treated as she is lacking something as compared to male child in terms of rights and responsibilities; and most of all female child should be given the same space in the home as the male child throughout their life span!
This article is written while keeping in view the Pakistani culture and customs.