I love my daughters as much as I love my sons. I could never imagine anybody gives any harm to them in any form. I will always protect them. There is no excuse or reason why could not I listen to their heart and support them in life. My first priority is my kids and then others.
One of my daughters is married and living in her own home that she bought a few years back. She can come to see me anytime and the same is with me- I can go to her house anytime. My son-in-law often visits me and helps me in house chores just like he helps his mom in his parents home. We don’t mind visiting each other many times. We don’t follow any custom in this regard. Daughters and sons live their own independent life. They get married by their own choice and live in their own independent home. Though they can live with their parents; anyhow it is usually not very practical. It all depends on the circumstances where one chooses to live! Our sons are brought up just like girls. They don’t feel shy in doing house chores and helping their moms and dads. We don’t discriminate among kids based on gender. Girls can have as many friends as boys. Girls can move freely everywhere in the country. Girls are secure and happy. They know how to follow their dreams and parents never stop them rather help them in achieving those. We don’t spend lavishly in marriages. We, men and women, enjoy the freedom of choice, abundance, care, support, and dignity while living together. We even don’t discriminate between professions; for us, all professions are equally valuable. A sweeper is as respectable as the head teacher. I will not mind if my daughter ( a doctor) would choose a boy ( only high school pass) for her partner. We are quite open minded people. We don’t force anything on anybody. Everyone has his own weaknesses and strengths so we should tolerate each other differences. Yes, we don’t allow someone causing any kind of harm to anyone: psychological, emotional, physical, financial, social or sexual. We protect each person from being abused. We live happily with each other or don’t live with abusive partners. There is no need to be quiet and sacrifice. Our society is full of love, respect, harmony, dignity, freedom, happiness and growth. We celebrate our development together. We enjoy life fully!

These words are not mine. These words are words of almost every women in the UK. I met a new person each day and find that she is so much happy, secure, free and rich. We, living in Pakistan, couldn’t even imagine such a luxury in life. No drama, no trauma, and no abuse at all. If you find some news contradictory to what I said- they are not many. Most of the women are living a peaceful life from all backgrounds. So, should we ever give our traditions and customs the second thought to modify to the overall good!

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Should money be the root cause of all​ happiness!

 

 

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I always cherished wealth as something beautiful, alluring and mind-blowing thing to feel proud of. I have never thought my life ahead without my pretty, ambitious desires, wishes, and aspirations. I thought it is the only form of happiness one could achieve by hard work and motivation. I thought I need to have a rich background if I want so and so….

Now I feel I was 100 percent wrong. People still would not feel like me – as it is very hard to realize what it is in the actual sense. Let me give you some examples:

A person dying from any trivial form of cancer would be ready to give his all belongings to you in return of his health!

A person who wants to become a parent would be much likely to spend all his wealth to fulfill his/her ultimate desire!

A person who is crazy for being socially acceptable and popular artist, would not care for his wealth in case he needs to spend it lavishly to achieve his goal!

A person who wants to settle down abroad might empty his all bank balance to create a life of his own choice!

Anyone who is crazy for someone or something could sacrifice much more wealth than he realizes for that very cause. Nothing wrong with it.

In short, we, basically, follow our desires, aspirations, and inspirations in life after fulfilling our basic needs of food, health, and shelter. And we are always ready to spend on such wishes, no matter how strange they are in the eyes of others. In other words, our wishes or needs (not basic) are our bosses who control us and make us think about them. We for most of the time are under such influence and for a very short time act wisely. It creates a vicious circle of desiring and fulfillment – after one wish always there is one more. Should it ever stop! Just like hope, such desires never stop, rather should not stop. The only thing we could do better is to control these loops through planning wisely. We can focus on our long-term goals and leave other distractions at all. After fulfilling our basic needs, we should not be controlled by others: marketers, business men, customer seekers, or any other entrepreneur. These people would never let us follow our real goals and distract us from achieving them by hard ways. Therefore, it is our duty to carry out all that is needed to follow our goals of life and spend money in the right direction, not anywhere else.

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Thus, money itself is not helpful in any way; rather it provides us ways to satisfy our needs – need to fulfil our hunger, need to have a shelter, need of dressing up, need of maintaining social status, need to learn, need to become a healthy person, need to explore the world in depth, need to get married, need to get trained and need to earn more and more. It implies that if you are a needy person- you would need money and at the same time you would not need money if you are satisfied with your life overall. If all said above is true, whom, you guess should be the wealthiest person of the world!

To the Daughters of Pakistan

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We the dolls of Pakistan;

Are born, but not welcome;

Are brought up; not pampered;

Are taught and trained; not educated;

Are made to serve and controlled often.

We the girls of Pakistan,

Learn to follow the rules quietly,

Beliefs that no more serve recently,

About honor, respect, and dignity,

About fate, responsibility, and duty.

We the women of Pakistan,

Fear of safety and security,

Even in our play lands,

Even in our homeland,

As if we’re in someone’s custody!

We the mothers of Pakistan,

Dream, dream, and dream,

Are not allowed to scream,

Though bear another life in between,

Being neither a princess nor a queen.

No worry, we ‘re the future of Pakistan,

No worry, for the flowers blossom,

After every traumatic autumn,

No worry, for the stars and moon,

Remain intact till the sun resumes.

Rukhsati (part 2): a source of emotional and psychological abuse!

Rukhsai is a concept which means a girl is not supposed to live with her parents after marriage and should live with her husband and his family forever. This or the similar meanings exist almost in every home of Pakistan and India. When a girl is born, she is usually blessed with some statements like,” God bless her with great luck and destiny” which means that god give her a good husband and in-laws in future (otherwise her luck is bad luck and there is no future for her anymore). People focus upon girls husband more than the girl itself. Education of the husband is more important than the education of the daughter; job of the husband is more important; home of the husband is more important and family of the husband is more important than family of the girl (where the girl was born). When our daughters listen to such mixed messages, they start dreaming of their future in terms of their hubby and in-laws (in some cases). They do not dream about their own future in terms of their education, profession or own home. They deny owning/upgrading their parents home as it is like a guest house where they are living for a short period. They even have little right in making decisions about their own life and future as it is the property of their future husband! In many cases girls are forced to marry as it is good for their brothers coming marriages.  

What about a girl who wants to feel like a boy in her home ? She regrets why she is born in a female body. She simply does not like the idea of leaving home or leaving home for hubby.In this case, there is no solution. She has no choice – either go for a marriage or face the curses of family members! She will never be appreciated or encouraged by doing so, rather people will blame her for increasing problems for her parents. 

Given the fact that a girl is very much protected by this way; it is a continuous pain in some of the little hearts ( aged 0 to 16). Toddler girls are unable to understand the hidden message and take it the other way round. They feel they are less loved, less welcome, and less motivated in return. They start feeling that they are not like boys or boys have many privileges in society  that they lack. They appreciate their parents for being there for them always in spite of the fact they are not staying with them forever. They feel reluctant to choose difficult professions, difficult subjects, or difficult lines in life as it will increase burden on their parents shoulder. They feel they are unable to return their parents’ blessings in shape of living together, helping them and supporting them. They feel home sickness in the very young age; lack of security; fear of unknown; and absence of parents even in the company of parents. This is the biggest reason for being inactive, aggressive (in some cases), shy, moody, agitated, depress, anxious, worried, and self-centred or non-social. These problems would lead to further cognitive and  personality disorders.

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There are countless reasons for not giving such concepts to a female child. A child, boy or girl has equal rights upon parents even in case of conceptual background. Female child should not be discriminated against male child on the ground of living together with parents. Female child needs unconditional love as much as male child; female child should feel secure and completely loved like male child in every situation of life; female child should not be treated as she is lacking something as compared to male child in terms of rights and responsibilities; and most of all female child should be given the same space in the home as the male child throughout their life span! 

Note:

This article is written while keeping in view the Pakistani culture and customs.

Stop Abusing Your Kids!

Abuse is a wide term that can start from a little humiliating joke to threatening a person to death. Every individual perceive it differently and silently! However, a general rule of thumb is that it is some feeling that you bear out of being abused from someone you know. Parents are not free from this kind of allegation as some of us definitely abuse their children. How can a parent abuse his child? There are many ways to abuse a child in which some are
being short listed below:

a. When a parent deliberately ignores his child’s needs such as cleaning, washing, feeding, cuddling and teaching..
b. When you see a child in danger and do not react in the best possible way to help the child whether it is your or someone else’s.
c. When you teach your child how to harm others, how to tell a lie, how to create fuss or how to make mess- you are abusing her.
d. When you do not stop your child from being aggressive, being crazy, being obsessive, or from being selfish. In each case, it is your duty as a parent to teach your child about her possible negative behavioral consequences.
e. When you teach your child about wrong, negative and harmful traditions of your society. Your child is not supposed to fulfill demands of society’s unhealthy and cruel traditions if there are any.
f. When you do not give your child a sense of confidence that she could share her feelings with you; you are abusing her. She will not feel secure unless you make her feel secure by your behavior and verbal assurance.
g. When you leave your child in a stressful situation to punish her. It is also a kind of abuse if your child is innocent and not getting what you mean.
h. When you force your child to sit with people she does not like or when you force your child to talk to people she does not like to talk to. You are not supposed to force your child to do anything unless her safety and security is compromised in doing so.
i. When you leave your child with others whom you are not sure if they would provide enough care to your child.
j. When you threat your child to leave her alone or any other kind of threat!

These are all passive abusive behaviors that most of the parents unconsciously adapt. It is always good to see our attitude in terms of abusive language; sometimes we can modify our role and become a good parent!

Speaking is quite Limited in terms of its Perceptual Meanings!

Loot at the following statements given by some of the parents for their own children:

Example 1:

I am not happy with my kids when they do not conform to my standards of life. I want them to become a gentleman like  keeping values that I possess. I want them to choose the paths of life I prefer for them. I want their obedience in each and every matter of life. I will not appreciate their supremacy and limit their freedom if they cross the limits.

This woman’s children are by nature very submissive, obedient, and introvert type. They listen to their mother and do whatever she says to do. They are very nice and caring kids. The woman is also very humble and caring one. She only wants her kids, to be honest, caring and sharing type. But the way she is speaking is not what she actually practices and/or means.

Example 2:

I am very liberal minded and would never accept any restriction on my kids. My kids would decide totally what they want from life in terms of education, social life, and family life. They will be independent in making their choices and I would stand with them in their chosen paths. I think one should live according to his/her own unique personality traits.

 This woman is the mother of a girl aged 4 who is very bright, active, clever, assertive, and extrovert type. She only wants her to become an energetic, healthy and happy person in life. Although she would not tolerate her girl’s rudeness and stubborn attitude, in general, yet she does not admit it. She will never allow many things to her girl to adopt; however, she is quite confident that she will not.

Example 2:

I don’t like the comparison between children. I am a mother who is the only well-wisher of her own children. I don’t care what others are doing. I would care for only my own kids, their health, their education and their better life. I am very much focused on my own kids.

 This woman is the mother of a gifted son who is the brightest one in the class. She does not need to compare her son’s achievements with others as he is already the superb and most brilliant child. Her son is a healthy, super cool, hard working, intelligent and a master at certain skills like mathematics and literature.

Example 3:

I am a mother and a teacher as well. I am concerned about my children’s well- being till the level they get going. I want them to fulfill the average standards of society, whether it is a matter of education, morality, sociology or family life. I will never impose my standards on them; however, I will appreciate their own rational and more acceptable standards of life.

This woman has two children who are neither too bright nor too dull. She is happy to help them in all matters of life. She often guides them in education, social life experiences, family life, and morality. She wants them to become good citizens and a good human being. She compares their standards of education with others so that she could assess their work carefully. She only fears her kids would not quit education at a very early stage.

 

From the above examples, you can see the difference of opinion from the difference of perception: we believe in some concepts of life but talk about something else. We exercise our thoughts in different words while behaving something altogether differently! We are not consistent, unbiased, scientific and clear in our own opinion. We choose words that we believe we need to speak; however, we mean a totally different world of meanings. It is the controversy, but it is important for our survival and dignity. We talk about things that we think are important to us/suit our needs; those things might contradict with other person’s personal needs. So to conclude, listen carefully to your friends and family members when you need some advice; as they might not be aware of your situation at all in giving you a piece of advice politely!

Which comes first: Processing or Perception

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Courtesy to Google Images

When you talk about your mother or father, do you honestly, being truly unbiased, evaluate your parents personalities? You must be thinking ‘yes’ and you might be truly evaluating your parents! Almost everybody evaluates truly and mostly love their parents based on their true evaluations. So it means all parents are perfect, loving, adorable and charming from every angle. NO. This is not true. We love our parents’ personalities because we love them first. We hardly see their negative personality traits or we do not wish to see those negative traits or we think those negative traits are positive indeed! In each aspect, first, we fall in love with them then start evaluating if we have to.  Nevertheless, most, among us never dare to evaluate their parents’ behavior- never ever. Everybody seems to love the parents whatever their personality types are. We are used to them as they are. We love to see them as they are. We are used to take whatever they cook and we love/prefer that food in that particular taste. We think that taste is great; however that taste is not great itself. We have just been accustomed to it since long.

The same is true with our kids. We love them so much that we could not find negativity in them. It is really a hard work to point out negative traits in our kids. Rather we unconsciously try to find positive personality traits among them. We love them so much that we try to prove our love is true and based on true facts. We are not ready to listen against our kids from someone else. We first love our kids then evaluate their personalities accordingly. In other words, we first make our mind for our kids that they are, loving, beautiful, sweet and innocent then try to figure out other traits. We would rarely believe that our kids are not, what we think they are. Though each of us thinks that he or she is very honest and true in evaluating their kids’ personalities but, in fact it is not the case. If it were true, then in this world, all children would carry positive traits. In short, we, being parents, fall in love with our kids and keep on proving our love for them unconsciously.

The same is true to all our first impressions, first-time beliefs, and first imprints on our brain for whatever we see, analyze or perceive. First we love or hate and then we start proving our feeling. First we make our mind, and then we start evaluating. First we make friends, then, we convince ourselves and others that they are of good nature and with great human traits. It is not the other way round. We unconsciously remain stick to our likeness/dislikeness and try to convince others that it is based on true evaluation. In fact, it is never proved scientifically.

You go to watch a movie where the cinema hall is fully booked. You see people talking about the same movie with different arguments, comments, and reflections. Some would like to criticize the story, some would describe characters (acting) more, some would appreciate background effect, some would talk about songs beauty, some would even discuss the scenes, some would love/hate the photography, some would be more interested in romantic stuff of that movie; and some would argue about the end or start of the story. So the thousand different minds would interpret the same item in thousand different ways. The movie would remain the same; however the perception of that movie would differ from mind to mind. Now in place of movie, you think you are there as a person. Can you imagine in how many ways, people would like to interpret your personality? You can well imagine that. Whom would you believe first? And what should you believe?

We usually believe the opinion of the person closer to us in blood relations then go for others. The closer the relationship is, the more likely we are going to believe him or her. Here again first we decide whom opinion matters to us, then, we listen to the opinion. It is not the other way round. We do not analyze the opinions of others about us in an objective manner. We listen what we want to listen. We see what we want to see. We are quite good at it. For example, a child needs reassurance for her actions, first from her parents, and then from her teachers and others. It is less likely that our parents are satisfied with our actions and we are looking forward to others for the approval. However, it might happen in rare circumstances (will discuss at another time).

Empathy is a good quality. It means to understand the other person’s feelings from within his frame of reference. However, it rarely happens. We usually help others in the matters we think they would need help while mirroring ourselves first. First we assume what we like or dislike and based on it, decide what others would like and dislike. In other words, we are empathetic only for those traits we are convinced to be empathetic for, not in all matters of life objectively. We value and realize others those ‘problems’ we consider ‘problems’ for ourselves. Our empathy is not for everyone; rather it is only for those whom we love/relate first. We do not feel empathetic for everyone standing outside anonymously. It is especially true when we judge our empathetic self for our rivals. We are no more empathetic for the people we dislike first! Though in rare cases, we can be quite selfless till the level of real empathy (a topic not to discuss here).

To conclude, we perceive, love, hate, or make some belief about someone we meet for the first time in life. Then we react, analyze, evaluate, and behave accordingly. Then we keep on proving our first impression unconsciously and secretly. In addition to that, it is too deep rooted to change the first conceptual image of the other person whether it is your mother, father, friend, or even your own self- image. We are simply not in the position of changing our first conceptual blueprints on our brains. Though, we can change its density in terms of valence, usability, and effectiveness. We can ignore it till the level we forget it; however, it is next to impossible to impartially evaluate it in its true sense. In short, we cannot examine our brains objectively while keeping our emotions along with/inside. We have to perceive first, see first, listen first, and then process the information. We have to realize, touch and feel first and then try to communicate/evaluate. Like a PC that downloads the software first and then start acting on it, we are bound to feel first and then think about!