Abuse And Self-Harm

In how many ways you can Hurt others?

For the people who just don’t know how to behave badly; for the people who cannot think of taking revenge from their enemies; for the people who are not so much daring to declare their attitude in front of others; for the people who are not capable of saving their selves from their fellows; and for the people who want to give lessons to their rivals but just cannot!

It is hard for good people to become bad; it is also hard for them to behave rudely with anyone (friend or enemy). Such personalities just do not know how to do that wrong thing. They are not capable of doing bad or wrong things. They feel hurt inside and take revenge from their enemies in dreams. They are not brave enough or they are too shy to show their attitude. But they are disturbed inside and that disturbance becomes their constant stress.

So if you are one of those people; pl note the following things and try one of them to see the results. Hope you will get some relief out of even reading such tips:

  1. Do not make eye contact with your enemy; it will hurt them severely.
  2. Never start the conversation from your side. Wait until they start speaking. Wait and wait. It will hurt them a lot.
  3. Keep/look yourself busy; especially when you are sitting with your enemies. You can use mobile net or tablet for keeping yourself busy.
  4. Keep your appearance a tidy one. Your grace will kill them!
  5. Keep smiling and think about your friends when you are in your rival’s company. You can talk with your friends on phone at that particular moment to get some confidence.
  6. If you are a mother or father of a child; then engage with your child actively at the time your enemy is around.
  7. Simply leave the place for any good excuse and get rid of the situation you do not like at all.
  8. It is usually better not to invite them in your house or not to go to their home as well. Instead arrange a party in some other place to meat each other ( if it is very necessary).
  9. They are like barking dogs; you cannot stop them but can avoid them by silently passing by them.
  10. Such relationships are like wealth found in the commode that you neither can pick up nor can ignore. You have to look at and leave it there as it is! You do not even need to bother about them! Or they are like shit (in the form of persons) found in your toilet that need to be flushed (from your memory). In any case you have to deal with it – there is no other way out.

The severe mistakes you need to avoid in such cases are:

  1. You being their friends, try to pretend good
  2. When you over react and smile and maintain eye contact!
  3. When you invite them to your home or go to visit them for humanity sake!
  4. When you expect them to be as good as you!
  5. When you hope they will change and become nice to you!
  6. When you spend time, money and energy on them!
  7. When you become overly nice in front of them!
  8. When you start doing things for them!
  9. When you ignore their mistakes and think they will never happen again!

So please avoid the mistakes mentioned above- usually people do in maintaining close relationships. Decide once what you want to do and then act wisely. It is better to perceive the situation earlier than keeping regret for the whole life! Exceptions are always there so be wise and vigilant for the actions you are supposed to take in any particularly worse situation!

How can you improve your chances of being abused in an intimate relationship:

We all are victim of abuse in one way or the other in our life from someone at some particular point. Though we don’t fully understand the abusers in our society and could not recognize them at first glance; yet we could feel a little discomfort in their presence. We, in one way or the other, feel compelled to do something, guilt, being overly criticized, ignored or controlled or pressurized in our heart while confronting/obeying someone’s commands. This is known as abuse- more specifically emotional abuse. It is, in most cases, the abuser’s responsibility to have a check on his/her attitude and modify his/her behavior accordingly; yet it is also the abused one’s personal obligation towards his/her self to respond appropriately while being abused.

How can you trigger the abuse in your life – here are some examples that would suggest new angles to see the situation and make you alert in advance:

 The abuse would multiply if –

 You look too simple to deal with. When people think you are too good, too simple, and too polite; they will feel no threat in abusing you as much as they like.

  1. You ask with silly gestures and childish attitude- you are welcoming the unnecessary comments and the possible abuse from the black sheep.
  2. You are fulfilling the demands of the other person unnaturally; in this way you convey the message that you are the most obedient servant of him/her.
  3. You cannot say ‘no’ to someone who is crossing limits in dealing with you.
  4. You convey by your attitude that you never feel being degraded or humiliated or in other words, you welcome the abuse in your life.
  5. You keep silent on matters you should speak up or at least speak to someone to help you out.
  6. You remind others through your reactions that you have no self respect, self esteem and dignity to preserve so they can cross limits whenever they feel like.
  7. You never keep others in limits or you have no ethical limits to follow for yourself. You are not a man of principles.

 You ignore the abuse  in the first place, then it grows, and grows till the point, it is out of reach. So you should be very careful in dealing with an abusive relationship when it starts.

These are the simple guidelines to prevent abuse or abusive relationships in your life forever. When one is simply ignorant of the causes of the disease; he/she would never be able to carry out the precautions in advance. Thus, you are now aware of the disease ‘abuse’ and can put some checks on it in future. It will save you from many psychological and emotional disorders like depression, anxiety, guilt, hypertension, stress, sleeplessness, and ultimately suicidal and destructive tendencies. The most important is that you would be living an ‘abuse free’ life – a happy life.

Thanks

ABUSE IN DISGUISE

According to wikipedia, “Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mentalabuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder” and Any act, including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth (for more info see http://www.vchreact.ca/read_psychological.htm)

Emotional and Psychological abuse includes:

  •      Telling someone they are worthless,
  • Telling them no one else wants them,
  • Forcing someone to do things at an exact time or in an exact way,
  • Undermining a persons actions, thought and beliefs,
  • Telling someone they are weak and could not manage to look after themselves on their own,
  • Making someone believe they are mad,
  • Telling someone that the domestic violence and abuse is their fault.
  • Not allowing someone to have visitors,
  • Controlling who a person is friends with,
  • Not allowing them to go out,
  • Not allowing someone to see their family and friends,
  • Not allowing someone to be left alone with other people,
  • Not allowing someone to use the phone, send letters or emails.
  • Locking someone in a room or house,
  • Not allowing someone to go out to work, not allowing someone to go to college or evening classes,
  • Accompanying someone everywhere that they go in order to keep control over what they do, who they see and what they say.
  • Telling someone they are a bad parent,
  • Getting children to say and do things to upset someone,
  • Encouraging children to get involved in the abuse.
  • Abusing someone’s children or pets,
  • Damaging possessions,
  • Accusing someone of lying when they are not,
  • Telling someone they are fat, ugly and useless,
  • Making someone believe that no one else likes them.
  • Threatening to harm someone, or to harm their children or pets.
  • Threatening to have someone locked up saying that they are mad,
  • Threatening to have someone deported or withholding care if someone is aged, ill or disabled,
  • Telling someone they will find and kill them if they leave,
  • Threatening to abuse someone in front of their children, family or friends.

Emotional abuse is often difficult to recognise. It can be very subtle, often being overlooked by a person’s friends and family. The person affected may not even think or feel that abuse is taking place.

Emotional abuse can affect women and children experiencing it in many ways. It can leave deep psychological scars and can seriously damage the self-confidence of the person experiencing the abuse. For more information see:

http://www.welshwomensaid.org.uk

In most of the cultures of this world, abuse is simply not even recognized as abuse, rather considered a moral and spiritual duty of the women towards their husbands. Usually husbands and in-laws use all kinds of abuses towards their daughter-in-laws. In most of the emotional and psychological abuses, women are exposed to, women are simply not aware of the fact that they are being abused on daily basis. one can easily recognize the forms of subtle and traumatic abuses from such examples:

  1. women are restricted towards visitors, visiting family and friends, and going out in general.
  1. women are required to perform a set of duties at a particular time, in a specific way, and according to someone’s special needs whether they like it or not.
  1. women are under estimated in their capability to earn, to stay alone, and to manage the finances alone. In all important matters of life, they are not listened even!
  1. women are expected  to follow the customs and rituals of society blindly, irrespective of the fact that many of them create severe depression, anxiety and stress in turn. For example: traditions designed to feel women less empowered like rukhsati, karo kari, and others.
  1. women are also expected to live according to their husbands sweet wishes. It would include any thing from having more than 12 children in less than 12 years, to being childless in 20 years of married life! It includes everything from having full cocktail hijab to bikini style beach dress! All depend upon a man- the husband.
  1. women are taken as sex objects in some of the culures – so they are no more free to move freely.
  1. Women are never given identity of their own name: at first they are identified with the name of their father and then after marriage they are recognized on behalf of their husbands good names!

In most of the areas of Pakistan, women are treated as if they are not human at all. Their identity, respect and worth are of no value when they are being brought up. So much so, they are not well protected, fed, and secured in their own parents’ kingdom. As a result, they become victims of trauma, anxiety, depression, stress, and many other psychological and emotional disorders. Well, they are not aware of this fact that they are being abused and it is a crime in the dictionary of Law. It is a blessing in disguise as if they knew it, their stress would be doubled!

Rukhsati: A Tragedy Of The Women Of Pakistan

rukhsati

source : retrieved from Google images. Just search ‘rukhsati’ on google, or on you tube; you will get it all what it means to Parents of Pakistan.

Parents who are symbol of love, care, blessing and happiness for the children are sometimes perceived as strangers, caretakers, and home owners. Parents who should give unconditional love to their children, in some parts of the world, extend their love to their children if they belong to a specific gender-male. For girls, their love is temporary, conditional and very much hypocritical. In almost each and every part of Pakistan:

  1. Daughters are taken as guests in the parent’s home until they are married.
  2. Girls are supposed to leave their parental home forever on wedding day (a tradition called Rukhsati)
  3. Sons are expected to live with their parents and take care of them.
  4. Daughters are expected not to visit their parents often after marriage
  5. Son is usually discouraged to see his in-laws often
  6. Daughters are supposed to do house chores and obey their husbands /in-laws
  7. Most parents think it is a matter of their great honor ( in the most negative way) or they will kill their daughters if:
    • Their daughter gets a divorce and come back due to any reason
    • Their daughter is raped or abused
    • Their daughter comes back due to facing brutality and cruelty of in-laws
    • Their daughter comes back due to having husbands rude, unfair and constantly demanding attitude
    • Their daughter is simply not ready to get married
    • Their daughter is having an affair  or on date
    • their daughter wants to live independently and alone
    • their daughter wants to live with her parents forever

In short, parents that are the only hope of children in this cruel world to welcome them, comfort them and console them in time of need and grief; in Pakistan girls are very much deprived of that ever lasting shadow of pure and powerful loving background. Girls, to some extent, receive their share of love and care from almost all kinds of parents; however that love is not enough to provide them with the energy to fight for their rights and live happily ever after. In life love is not the solution of every practical problem; rather we need to enforce some laws, rules, regulations to administer the social evils wisely. The traditions that cause discrimination, feelings of helplessness and flourish injustice, abuse and cruelty/atrocity among society members at a large scale, must be banned. We are not born to follow traditions blindly; rather traditions are established to comfort and facilitate us in a better way. Hope,  people and especially parents would think twice before saying their girls a guest in their homes.

Helping The Poor Girls In Pakistan

A boy is a symbol of  power, authority, success, luck, wealth and a stream of fortune forever. Being a boy means, having a home on a permanent basis, having safety forever, peace of mind with respect to parents love and care, having a continuous and unconditional love of parents and relatives, feeling high all the time only due to your gender identity. Though a boy needs to get educated, yet he needs nothing else. He needs to get educated and lead his life as per his own choice. He has to earn money and status for him and his family’s well being. But he is all in all in deciding many domestic matters. He is free in his movements- not afraid of being raped on the way going home. He is getting priority in all the matters, from attending  a luxurious dinner to attending a trip outside city. Boys are very much social in nature as compared to girls as they are more encouraged and appreciated in adapting that attitude. Boys are brave as per our culture. Boys never weep according to our cultural education. Boys should be respected, honored and valued more due to their gender as compared to girls. Boys should keep the money in their hands as they are responsible for their sisters (or female member’s) needs. Boys are free to living alone, whereas girls are not simply allowed to do that.

Girls feel, in such a society, that they cannot express themselves fully being a girl. They bear restrictions on their dressing, social life, education, liberty and freedom tremendously since the day of their birth. They are not well come, being a girl at home, in a family, and in the society. Their position is weak being a girl at home, as they are thought a burden upon parents. They are taken as symbols of honor that can be damaged through any sexual activity. They are not allowed to go out for a walk alone, as their safety is compromised. They are pushed to stay at home as their presence at home is considered  a safety precaution. Their primary responsibility is towards their family – taking care of others (usually males) through household affairs and making sacrifices for them. Girls are never free to choose their life partner of their own choice. Rarely parents accept it, if the partner chosen by their daughter is from high class and worth marrying.  Things are very complicated for girls. It seems, all are their well wishers, but in reality, all are only protecting them from the unseen and unrealistic dangers. That over protecting attitude generates feelings of low self esteem and worthlessness among girls. They live their lives under constant pressure of society, family, and the culture overall.

The dilemma never ends. When a girl is married, her all decisions are carried out by her husband – usually husband is the only earning hand. Girls, even after being mothers, are not thought as an influencer and decision maker. They have to live according to the rules of their husband and his family. There is no rocket science that you cannot understand. There is simply the abuse: emotional, verbal, social, and physical. A girl cannot decide how many children she wants. She cannot decide what career she wants to pursue. She cannot decide what is her planning of the future in terms of spending money on her needs. In most families, girls even cannot decide what food they wish to eat. For sports, girls are never encouraged to participate in. They are thought as the weakest part of the society –  a misfortune bestowed upon the people.

I salute them for living in such a society and smiling all day. I can see western girls being more independent, free, happy, energetic, powerful, influencing, authentic, intelligent and inspiring in overall all fields of life – as compared to Pakistani ones. My humble advice for our generation of girls is that to take charge of their lives, their happiness and their decisions. Do not rely upon anyone, especially when it comes to your life, your need and your pleasure. Seek your way to find your destiny, your identity and your future and be persistent in seeking that throughout your life. This is your war: fight or flight-It is up to you. But if you fight, there are ample chances that you will win; otherwise chances are that you will be caught and could not rise again.

Thanks

When  A Long Abusive Relationship Starts Flourishing!

Calamities are of different kinds: bad health, bad relationship, bad weather, bad results, bad luck and many more. We are always prone to divert our attention to them more than our fortunes: good health, good relationship, good weather, good results, good luck and many other goods. This is our nature. Being a human, we should save ourselves first from bad episodes of life, then should think about our good things. Safety always comes first . So do not worry about it.

When it comes to dealing with bad episodes, we need to think more. It is not always a quick fix when it comes to relationship puzzles. We for most of the time, cannot understand the other person from his/her behavior/gesture or attitude visible to naked eyes. We become such a fool that we even could not recognize our fault of misperception for years.

The question is why? Why the time comes when you start feeling regret? Why you waste your time in assessing your partner’s gestures and could not reach a better conclusion soon? Why you permit yourself to be indulged into a fake and critical relationship? Why you close your eyes? Why not, you take a step immediately, right after smelling something wrong?

In the third world countries, we know the answer. We respect our traditions more than our lives. We try to keep our customs alive than keeping our relationship healthy. We are bound to follow a path we are destined for. We, especially the women, are not economically independent and are not safe at all so we have no other choice except to accept all whether it is wrong or right. Women crush their wills, desires, wishes, wants, needs and spend a life that was designed for them either by their fathers, brothers or so called husbands. They do not play dead rather they are dead!

For the girls who want to learn something about the relationship, my advice is that, ‘ be alert’.  When you feel you are being cheated, stop there. When your sixth sense advises you not to go to the date- do not go. You should not try to become over empathetic when the other person ignores you for whatever the reason is. The abuse is abuse irrespective of its nature or deep reasons. The other person who is intentionally ignoring you, is not something to ignore. Believe me things either settle down at the time they are happening or they never settle down. Giving time to your abuser is equal to prolonging your disease with its worse side effects!

You know cancer is such a horrible word that nobody wants to hear about it. The relationship that we could not fix in time, will develop into a cancer in your heart and that cancer will never be re routed successfully. Unfortunately, you will have no time left to fix it  or It will be too late for you to decide about your relationship.

Therefore, If you are in the beginning and you feel that your partner is not behaving as per he/she should – stop there. Do not waste your time in judging and judging and judging. When you start living in your comfort zone, it is next to impossible to leave that. You become selfish, scary, hesitant, and passive with the passing time. Like a slowly effecting poison, you are taking your life day by day!

I do not mean that you do not compromise- rather I mean to compromise with vigilance and with full acknowledgment that you are doing it consciously.  We have doctors who warn us about upcoming diseases and possible precautions, we remember all healthy tips by heart to stay healthy, we take medicines to fight with side effects but when it comes to relationships, we listen to our heart and close our brain-eyes. We want to live in dreams and those dreams do not let us live according to our will. Therefore, it is worth keeping track of all your decisions and get tips from the professionals in time to save your future and its related happiness.

Cheers!

Abused Women Of Pakistan

When I was learning to drive, on my wrong movement toward backward, my instructor screwed me and said,’ if there were your little son standing on behind your car, I would see how you move without watching him’. I was bluntly looking at him and stood still! I had no words except to confess that I was wrong. I never made that mistake again. It was such a shocking assumption for me that I could not even think of that. I was terribly taught how to move backward carefully and safely.

Today I was watching T.V., when there was a news for a girl who was gang raped a few months back that she had burnt herself for not getting justice and for being stigmatized in society for such a long time. She had no other way except to have suicide. I think she should be taught a better way on how to suicide less miserably! At least there should be some peace in death!

Many other girls who suffer a trauma in life (may it be gang rape, burned in the fire,  put in graves alive, been cut body parts),  have no choice except to suicide. Unfortunately who live long, never find a respectable way to live their life as they are stigmatized, ridiculed and harshly criticized even within the sweet close family members!

Why don’t people think that this girl could be one of their relatives- their sisters, daughters, or  cousins. I think they have no courage to think like that or they have no sympathy even for their own relatives!

For a society where justice is no where, one cannot think of having a punishment;  one cannot fear of the law, jail or any other punishment; one cannot think of being stigmatized as the society is full of the  criminals- like minded people. Unfortunately, there is all good for them. I, being a blogger, can only condemn such brutalities and feel sorry for that. I offer my free services of counseling to women who had been a victim of such traumas in their life, whether they belong to Pakistan or any other country. Please contact me on my email: mei3na4@gmail.com. I am in my humble capacity performing my duty, but what about other relevant societies?

I understand that there is no voice that could stand with the victim.  No law, no government, no relative, no friend, no one! Here I put it in another shoe.  To the girls who suffer from such miseries and bear any kind of abuse in life, I appeal to please do not kill yourself. Please do not do that harm to your precious soul. Let it go. I know it does not sound  easy to you, I know, but you can do it as it is going to get you somewhere else. You can use your energy to do something great in life. You are not an ordinary soul, God has chosen you to do what an ordinary person cannot. There must be some good news for you too from your creator in the near future. Just be patient and remain  calm until you get your final destiny of peace and happiness.

If you do so, this would be the best revenge indeed. This would uplift you from the sheer darkness and calamity and take you towards the eternal peace and bring you in spirit to live a happy wonderful life. My sympathy is always with you  so you are most welcome to contact me whenever you feel like.

Thanks

 

Watering Your Seed Of Love Blindly Is Equal To Digging Your Grave

Love is a blessing, a virtue, a diamond, a star, a flower, anything you love, you love. No one can dictate you what you need to love. Love is your personal choice. Your identity your personal trait. You are always right in loving something, someone or any abstract concept. You are the owner of your love. Even in the worst times of life, you cannot stop loving someone you love. Love remains in your heart so it will not affect your day to day life, it will not affect your attitudes, it will not change your behavior, it will not even make you conscious of your feelings of your love. Love is so much more reliable and valid like your prayers – like your heart.

In spite of all of your perfect and precious love, I tell you, you love first and define later. Your love is always biased. Your love is always fair and right. Your love is always good for you. Your love is always adorable and high.

Your love is almost settled in your teen years. You are programmed to love, according to the teachings of your parents, culture, society and education at large. After your teen- age, you only defend your love and find reasons. You love first, then prove why you love. You first decide who is your love and then prove why you love that particular body. First, you choose whom you love and then argue in favor of or against that person.

For example, you love your mother first, then you find particular traits in her and say you love your mother due to such traits. So even you are not aware of your unconscious feelings of love for your mother. Similarly, you love your children first, then argue about your love that is already there. Certainly it will be true for all of your loving attitudes. You will not realize that you do not choose anything due to its qualities, attributes or traits rather you choose something due to your first belief of love for it. When you decide it is good, you go for it and it proves good to you. When you decide it is bad for you, then you convince yourself by arguments that the thing is not worth loving.

In contrast, when you find something new in your life, you again try to reach to the conclusion and resolve it on your first experience with it. You decide once for all what is that: loving or ugly. Whatever you decide, usually you do not go against it later on. This is human nature.

For some special matters, we change our opinions of love after not getting the expected response and if consistently we face unexpected reactions for a long time, then we ultimately are forced to change our opinion about love. Thus we settle down to another conviction and again start defending it by our heart and soul for a fairly long time. Here it is important to note that the more tension between our belief of love and our contrasted experiences is, the worst we would feel. So the beliefs of love are not wrong but when they prove wrong, they hurt us. As beliefs always come first, we should be very careful in progressing them with great heart work. Again the more stronger they are, the more damage they might bring to us.

Thanks