Emotions and Attitudes

Mother Nature: Compelling or Compassionate! 

Once upon a time, in the city of Bathgate, Scotland, a full term pregnant girl, poorly dressed, was walking around the streets of the city aimlessly, carelessly but with great passion. She was quite educated, but no work at that very moment had put her in the most vulnerable situation. She had not a single penny in her bag to buy something for her future child. Even then she was selecting things for her child and enjoying window-shopping every day. Once she selected a white snow suit for her child- that she would never be able to buy in her entire life. Even then she had a glimpse of it each day!

One day I was roaming around, and then suddenly I saw the same girl looking for something from the Black Bin box for ages. I thought she was stealing something from that bin box. I followed her and quietly watched her being curious to find what the hell is she looking into that bin!

You know that she was searching for some soft toys in the bin and putting them into her bag with a great sense of achievement!  It seemed as if she wanted to buy them, but could not afford it due to her poverty and lack. She just could not resist the urge!

On inquiry, she told me she had never experienced such a feeling in her entire life. She could live without money, clothing, shoes, bags, rings or whatsoever – but this time surprisingly, she felt much compelled by the thought of toys for her child that could not resist the temptation! At that moment, I felt as if she is no more a woman- rather a mother! Her nature is Mother Nature!

Thanks

The Approach: Half Glass Full

Today I was thinking about one situation and many observations at the same time.

Have you ever considered that the situation you are in, seems a heaven to others belong to you. Or the opposite: you dream a life that others are living with a heavy heart. This is because we are looking at us with the negative mindset and others with a prejudice mind. The people we wish to be alike must have their own dreams, aspirations, hopes, desires, and wishes to come true. This is an example of contradictory angles of thinking about others and our lives!

Although it seems very simple to become positive, realistic and as much natural as possible, but it is not that simple to apply in our real life with faith and honesty. Let’s take an example in this regard:

Mother is teaching her child and the child is no more interested in reading or writing (reason whatsoever). Mother is insisting on her to be serious in the study. The child is annoyed and messy and rude to some extent. In the mean time, she attends a call and on the inquiry, replies that:

My child is being stubborn and is not behaving any more………..

My child is making me angry and not doing the homework properly…

My child is creating fuss between me and her…..

My child is just like her father – the same rigidity in behavior

My child is very intelligent; never concentrates on one thing at a time….

My child is really hyper and behaves like an adult……… wow

My child is playing with me……………

My child is too naughty and rigid …

My child becomes bore at home,,,,,,,

My child is missing her father, that’s why doing silly things….

My child is feeling lonely, so could not study with motivation….

My child is just like me, never takes the study seriously,,,,,

My child behaves like a scientist who never liked doing homework at home….

My child is just a pain in my ass………………..

You can see different women express the same childish behavior differently, in a different mood, with different strength, and with different intentions. In fact, our mood depends on things like:

Where we are living and what our immediate environment is

Whom we are talking with.

What we want to share at that particular time…

What we want for our children in the future….

How we protect our children…

How we spoil our children…..

How much stressful we are…..

How much in peace, we are….

What is our education level…..

What is our educational background…..

There could be any reason behind our mood; yet it heavily targets our children. In the above situation, the reply that reflects that you are trying to teach your child and she is not in the mood yet would be sufficient. The child should understand that she needs to behave properly to learn. If you are tired of the efforts being made for your child, take a break! Do not overemphasize the situation to make you vulnerable to stress, anxiety and depression in the end!

The same is true with other relationships: husband and wife, between siblings, among relatives, between friends, between boss and employee, and between God and us. In each situation, we need to learn how can we describe the situation positively and meaningfully instead of making it a deal for others. We can approach any event of our life with a big smile and great attitude; otherwise our negativity and ignorance would make our life miserable and vulnerable.

Thanks

Love your health – By Pass The Stress!

We are dealing with a great number of diseases directly or indirectly while living and sharing in the same environment in today’s modern era. In each part of our world, people are becoming victim of diseases and ailments consciously or unconsciously. Some are scary one like cancer and some are general like cold and flue. In the same way, we deal with lots of psychological ups and downs. But unfortunately very few among us recognize it and are fully willing to deal with them wisely. We are, for one excuse or another, not comfortable in expressing our true feelings to others especially the psychiatrists. If I say that psychological hurt starts first in many long lasting diseases than physical ones – I might not be totally wrong.

To forgive someone is very common good nature explained in almost every moral literature of the world. However, many among us, do not fully apply it in their lives. They feel hurt, feel depression, anxiety, and remain in the state of anger for years. Among them, many catch diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, gas problem or a constant headache. They simply do not understand what happened is solely their fault. As they never let the people hurt go!

When you are in stress, you carry a lot of weight on your body. Your body is not programmed to handle that much stress for such a long time. You think you are right in, feeling depressed, hopeless and sick being a true person. You might think you have no choice! The fact is, your sensitive heart or brain is no more ready to deal with your negative emotions and keep on transferring its burden to your body parts. That is why your head, back, knees, stomach, eyes, ears, blood pressure, and breath are being seriously affected. Nevertheless, you realize this fact until you get something in the form of a disease-chronic or acute. Ironically, it is not your luck rather you have purposefully established it!

So if you are facing some problem in life, become emotionally upset, living depression, and facing anxiety symptoms- with all your powers face your problems with a big hug and smile. Believe me, your health and happiness, is more important to your living and survival than any other thing in this world. On the other hand your stress is not going to make you stress-free!

Sometimes we do not learn things ahead. If this is the case with you, then go on with your stresses and keep your bad memories alive. Argue against the reality you are facing or destined to face. Being angry all the time will ask you a great price of health and at that time you will have no choice! Good Luck!

Evil Customs Encourage Crimes!

Customs are very much respected in the world, whether it is European culture or Asian traditional culture. They look beautiful and people maintain them for the sanctity of their feelings and for the respect of their culture overall. We also experience customs in our life in one way or the other. Like everyone else, we never question our customs; unless it is a real curse for the society. For many times, we overlook and continue with our lives while sharing customs with others. Life continues with peace and love.

However, in some of the societies of this world, there are some customs that prove unhealthy, harmful and crime. They are not beneficial and beautiful rather life threatening and ugly. Among these many dreadful customs, one is, ‘Rukhsati’ for the women; a custom that is very popular among Indian and Pakistanis. It is still in practice with great respect and love. You can just Google the word ‘Rukhsati’ and see the relevant pictures to get some idea.

As per Wikipedia definition, this is a somber occasion for the bride’s parents as they are departing their daughter from their home. It becomes an emotional scene when the bride says goodbye to her parents home and siblings to start a new life. See the whole definition. 1

This definition is not the complete interpretations of the concept that very systematically and unconsciously destroy a girls emotional and physical health. From the above definition, you might inquire the following:

a. Why is it a somber occasion?

b. Why is it an emotional scene?

c. Why do the girls say farewell to the home of her parents?

The answer is not very simple and state. A girl is constantly reminded in life about her ‘guestish’ (temporary) status  in her parents home. When a baby girl is born, parents either cry with anguish, pain, or wish the baby should have great luck and blessings in her life. Parents think the baby girls is a responsibility to bring her up with care and education to hand it over to the groom and say goodbye.

When a girl among her siblings behaves like a boy, parents usually remind her of her temporary status with them and say, ” how will you fulfill your desires in in-laws house where you have to spend your whole life”.

The concept of ‘rukhsati’ makes the girl think about her future home combined with future husband along with future parents (in-laws). She usually feels sorry for leaving her parents behind to get married. Sometimes it makes her uncomfortable, depress and vulnerable to certain disorders like moody, hyper sensitive, obsessive compulsive, social anxiety, depression, eating disorder, sleep disorder and many others.

When a girl actually marries; she is ready to go for it or die. She knows she is leaving her home forever or would come back with great guilt, bad luck and torture. Therefore, she is ready to sacrifice, obedience and face the challenges of life for that she is unknown still. Her mental and emotional state is weak and vulnerable!

The after marriage experiences depend on largely groom’s own personal characteristics. In the patriarchal society of Pakistan and India, man is very much dominated in home affairs. He decides about most of his life matters independently while keeping women (wives mostly) totally separate from his financial matters. When a girl becomes a wife, her husband along with his family members expects from the girls total obedience in terms of doing house chores, going out and about, getting jobs, and other trivial matters.

There could be a difference of opinion on this among families; as some educated families treat women with respect and love. However, it is common wisdom that wives will not Live in their parents’ home (being a great crime) in any situation in life.Mostly wives suffer many kinds of abuses: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, attitude abuse, physical abuse, and many more. Ironically, they do not accept it being an abuse victim until the day of death. They simply think they must be having some weak aspects of personality to deal with. They blame themselves and never talk about their rights.

You might think it is not the case with everyone; yet it is also true that the women in such cultures observe the custom ‘rukhsati’ with heart and soul to make them and their daughter’s life miserable and vulnerable!

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Pakistan#Rukhsati

Same Perspective Is Never The Same!

You know it is never the same ‘feeling’-

When you are going to pick a glass of water for someone

When you are going to pick a glass of water for yourself

When you are going to pick a glass of water in order to obey

When you are going to pick a glass of water under pressure (of your or your loved one’s health)

When you are going to pick a glass of water with great passion

When you are going to pick a glass of water to fill your need of great thirst

When you are going to pick a glass of water for your kid

When you are going to pick a glass of water for your enemy

When you are going to pick a glass of water to help someone in need

And whatever you could think in this regard.

Your feelings would bring a different vibration level for each event and it would never be the same. This rule applies to our each and every thing we do, feel, or think. We definitely feel different when we change the perspective. We perform the same task differently when the background has changed in our minds. We are doing the same thing; yet in a different way, with a different feeling, and with a different output too.  For outsiders, we are doing the same, but for a psychologist, it always depends on many things.

However, in our daily routine life, we share our feelings and argue with our friends on the similar tasks. We compare ourselves with others in terms of their results, feedback or emotions. We think we all are doing the same things, so the same results should occur. We never consider the perspective underneath someone is performing a special task.

This is not very simple to comprehend. Suppose for one person, love affairs are part of life and carry only 10% of importance in his/her heart. For another one, love affairs are life pyramids and one just cannot live a happy life without having a loving partner. For him/her, love carries 99% importance in life. Therefore, the phrase, ‘I love you’ would not carry the same meaning for these two individuals. In the same manner, when you see someone saying so and so, you think as if it is your perspective whereas it could be totally different from you. You will only translate the words in your brain as per your own dictionary, whereas, the other person might carry a different meaning with different perspective/standard for the same opinion.

When you get the disparity between our feelings, emotions, and sayings, you will never get hurt or surprised in your life. You will never believe on other persons verbal wordings, sayings, promises, or affirmations or you will believe on it with caution and care. In this way you will not only understand yourself rather would not misunderstand the other one.

Good Luck.

How can you improve your chances of being abused in an intimate relationship:

We all are victim of abuse in one way or the other in our life from someone at some particular point. Though we don’t fully understand the abusers in our society and could not recognize them at first glance; yet we could feel a little discomfort in their presence. We, in one way or the other, feel compelled to do something, guilt, being overly criticized, ignored or controlled or pressurized in our heart while confronting/obeying someone’s commands. This is known as abuse- more specifically emotional abuse. It is, in most cases, the abuser’s responsibility to have a check on his/her attitude and modify his/her behavior accordingly; yet it is also the abused one’s personal obligation towards his/her self to respond appropriately while being abused.

How can you trigger the abuse in your life – here are some examples that would suggest new angles to see the situation and make you alert in advance:

 The abuse would multiply if –

 You look too simple to deal with. When people think you are too good, too simple, and too polite; they will feel no threat in abusing you as much as they like.

  1. You ask with silly gestures and childish attitude- you are welcoming the unnecessary comments and the possible abuse from the black sheep.
  2. You are fulfilling the demands of the other person unnaturally; in this way you convey the message that you are the most obedient servant of him/her.
  3. You cannot say ‘no’ to someone who is crossing limits in dealing with you.
  4. You convey by your attitude that you never feel being degraded or humiliated or in other words, you welcome the abuse in your life.
  5. You keep silent on matters you should speak up or at least speak to someone to help you out.
  6. You remind others through your reactions that you have no self respect, self esteem and dignity to preserve so they can cross limits whenever they feel like.
  7. You never keep others in limits or you have no ethical limits to follow for yourself. You are not a man of principles.

 You ignore the abuse  in the first place, then it grows, and grows till the point, it is out of reach. So you should be very careful in dealing with an abusive relationship when it starts.

These are the simple guidelines to prevent abuse or abusive relationships in your life forever. When one is simply ignorant of the causes of the disease; he/she would never be able to carry out the precautions in advance. Thus, you are now aware of the disease ‘abuse’ and can put some checks on it in future. It will save you from many psychological and emotional disorders like depression, anxiety, guilt, hypertension, stress, sleeplessness, and ultimately suicidal and destructive tendencies. The most important is that you would be living an ‘abuse free’ life – a happy life.

Thanks

Improve Your Perception For A Smart Choice

We all live a busy life and find no time to make decisions with complete peace of mind. Always we are in a hurry to do something, to take some action/reaction and then regret while having no choice later on! When you go for shopping, you are fascinated by different things in shops and many times you go for a thing that look prettier to you at that particular moment. There are many things that you, do not like today with that intensity for which you have bought them a few years back. You are again in the vicious circle of looking for something new everyday and keeping your regrets alive each day!

Here is a simple tip for you to consider before going for a shopping:

a. When you are overwhelmed by a product to have an instant buy, stop for a moment. Think if it is 100/100 in your mind – means you are completely in love with it! If it is that much adorable, then it will carry only 70 points in your mind after a week or so.

b. If you think that a product (you want to buy by heart) carries 70 points out of 100 in your mind, then understand that it will only hold 50 points after a week or so.

c. If you think the product is equal to 30 by 100; then it is better to leave it as it will leave you with regret after your purchase.

Now think about emotional, intimate relationship decisions. In the same scenario, when you see someone with great features; you are passionately overwhelmed by the product (boy or girl). This is the time to analyze it with caution. You can carry out a little judgment instantly and look for its value in numbers.

a. If the person carries 100 by 100; think after 10 years of marriage, the number will be reduced to 70 or so.

b. If the person carries 70 by 100; after 10 years or so, he/she will reduce his charm by 30 percent and hold only 50 out of 100.

c. If the person is keeping 30 or so marks in your heart out of 100; then please do not go for it. Leave him/her alone.

In most of the matters, when you are in between and could not decide anything for you; it is always better to leave that particular thing for a safe decision making.

My numbers are not exact; variations are always there and depend on the persons particular needs and choices criteria. However, these numbers convey the caution that we all could apply in our day to day decision making struggles, from buying a glass of water to looking for a partner to live with forever!

Thanks

Things look beautiful in shops!  

Have you ever noticed things look more beautiful in shops than viewing them at home after having a purchase?

Have you ever found someone more attractive at a distance than sitting beside him/her and have a wee chat?

Have you ever thought about the girls you adore, would become little less attractive after getting married to you (or vice versa)?

Given the fact that things lose their attraction when we find them closer and closer day by day. By nature, we cannot focus on the same object for the whole of life. We keep on changing our priorities and shifting our attention as per our needs and requirements. This is very much aligned with our innate characteristics by birth. However, there could be some exceptions in this regard too.

Now, before going for a shopping, could you imagine you have already done it. If so, then what are your feelings? If you cannot imagine, what are your feelings after having a purchase? What are your feelings after spending some time with your favorite thing? What are your feelings after a month of purchasing your favorite thing? You must have forgotten what were your feelings when you purchased something you used to fancy. So this is a continuous loop of wishing, feeling happy, and then wishing again for something else.

What about having a date with someone you love the most? Do you feel a lack in your relationship after spending some time together? If yes, you are taking people like things with whom you will be used to. If yes, then you should be very careful in selecting them for a relationship, as you get bored easily, even with humans.

People are not, like things- they grow in terms of age, experiences, knowledge, attitudes, emotions, and the list is never ending. So we never get used to and look for another. However, it is worth considering that we need to improve our relationships for not being sick to each other. The more areas of mutual interest, we explore among our relationships, the better it is for us. Otherwise, things will start deteriorating and get stuck.

Nature has protected us from being stuck in a relationship through a cool process of parenting and upbringing the children. After becoming parents, couples share many things together – thus moving forward together while focusing on the same object (e.g. Children). With children, we grow together and never get bored!

Nowadays, marketers are exploiting our emotions very wisely in terms of upgrading the software, products and attractions. We purchase them and upgrade them- thus are less likely to get a feeling like stuck. Things keep on changing, and we are never completely used to them. Things that cannot be upgraded; usually lose their attraction very soon.

 To conclude, we need to upgrade things (traits) in us to survive in the market  through various strategies like:

  1. Learning new things/ fields
  2. Having new experiences
  3. Meeting new people
  4. Visiting new places
  5. Creating new horizons

When we stop doing upgrading, we are stuck. We are used to ourselves first and then with others. Therefore, to get a long, healthy life, it is very important to continue with the change outside and inside. It is something we all are doing unconsciously with the help of evolutionary laws; it is something we need to improve too through effort and hard work.

If You Are Perceived Wrongly- It Might Be Your Fault!

Let me introduce you some examples first to get to know the real subject later on.

‘ Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a caring parent.

‘Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a loving child to her parent.

What do you think about the both statements- are the same in nature? No. Certainly No. When a parent says ‘stop’, it is due to his caring nature being a parent; whereas when a child is saying the same thing, it might be due to imitation, ignorance, or might be due to some distress in mind. In any case, both expressions are not conveying the same meanings while having the same alphabetic language.

 ‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a caring parent.

‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a loving child to her parent.

It is again the same thing. The parent is caring and involved in safety issues with the child and the child is assuming as if she is a grown-up, so pretending to become a caring parent.

‘ Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving husband.

‘Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving wife.

 Here again husband is a bit aggressive and hyper in mood while arguing with his wife whereas wife is complaining against her husband’s indifferent and neglectful attitude.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employer to his employee.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employee to his employer.

 In this example, an employer is happy with his employee’s performance and employer is misbehaving with his boss in a rude manner.

 In the light of the above examples, one can easily conclude that language varies widely between relationships and would never convey the same meanings for each party involved. Even in friendships, partners speak relative to each others social and emotional status.

 Children being junior members of your family might exaggerate your angry feelings and would name it a kind of threat to their happiness and safety. They do need a different level of anger from that you use in your office at least!

 For couples, husbands are by default at the top position, so they must show over caring attitude and nice gestures for being more responsible and energetic as a man. For a wife might name a husband’s little angry mood a kind of emotional abuse, being more tender and subtle human by nature.

 Likewise, every relationship demands different language to speak with. We cannot rule over all people with the same hammer. When we go into the details of the healthy relationships, it is very important to understand that love speaks many languages and that too differs from person to person. We have to consider many other factors indeed in deciding about our way of communication: age, sex, culture, education level, background, personality type, I.Q, E.Q, physical health and the most important is the other person’s status in the relationship with you.

Conclusively, It means while speaking with someone junior to you (in age, position, or status) more respect than you usually give to others, is needed so that he/she should not feel degraded or humiliated due to your slip of the tongue only. It implies on your children, wives, and servants or anybody junior to you in general. Especially when you are in a bad mood, try to show less aggressive attitude as much as possible (lesser than what you usually show to your friends) so that the people who are dependent on you should not feel dejected or neglected due to your sudden rude behavior.

Thanks

Why Don’t We Always Do Good And Have Good In Return?

Have you ever noticed that your mother behaves differently from what you expect from her?

Have you ever felt that your father is not as encouraging as you expect him to be?

Have you ever thought that your partner is not behaving as nicely as he/she should?

Have you ever had a feeling that your children are not as much caring as you want them to be?

Have you ever observed the attitude of your partner being totally strange for you?

There are many moments in your life, when you simply could not clue for the opposite behavior of your friend or acquaintance. You remain speechless and surprised to know that your friend is totally different from what you are expecting from him/her.

Although there could be several reasons for others indifferent behavior to us; yet one of those reasons is our misjudgment and misperception of our relationship on both ends. Whether we are not according to our friend or our friend is not doing as per our wish; both are configuring the relationship puzzle in totally a wrong way.

Relationships are never equal in nature. Your father is your father and he will behave as a father due to his nature of the relationship whereas you are the son who being a son could not behave like a father! Being a daughter, you always remain a daughter and could never behave like your mother. Mother on the other hand remains mother and could never behave like a daughter. Same goes for every kind of relationship. We can become parents and friends with our children, but we cannot leave our parenthood to become friends only with our children.

Children expect the quality of love and care from parents; parent would never expect the same nature of love and care from their kids! For example, for kids, to ask for water and food is a gesture of their understanding, that they still are dependent on their parents, whereas their parents asking water or food will convey the message that they love to see their children being independent and caring. Parents show their affection through various ways of care, whereas children show their love through their childish demands and funny ways.

In couples, similarly, wives show their love through cooking, cleaning, and dressing up for their husbands, and husbands show their love through buying food, luxuries, and gifts for their wives. Thus the both partners hold different manners for their expression of love. So much so, both have different physical attraction points to convey the same message- love.

Therefore, to expect from someone the same nature, the same attitude, the same feelings as we hold for them or in return for our deeds, is a big mistake. We are never same in any of the worldly relationships; rather we are parallel and comparable in some of these. When we do something good for someone in our own specific way; we should not expect the same from him/her. He/she might behave differently on the same task; but could show his/her affection on some other task in his/her particular manner. Therefore, to expect the same thing from someone is never achieved in relationship studies. We are being compensated and rewarded differently in a different manner in return for our love, care and affection. Sometimes, we are not rewarded at all; due to the same reason in fact. This happens due to our multi dimensional brain and its capacity to be flexible and rigid in several areas of our choice and leaving others unattended and ignored consciously or unconsciously.