Which comes first: Processing or Perception

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Courtesy to Google Images

When you talk about your mother or father, do you honestly, being truly unbiased, evaluate your parents personalities? You must be thinking ‘yes’ and you might be truly evaluating your parents! Almost everybody evaluates truly and mostly love their parents based on their true evaluations. So it means all parents are perfect, loving, adorable and charming from every angle. NO. This is not true. We love our parents’ personalities because we love them first. We hardly see their negative personality traits or we do not wish to see those negative traits or we think those negative traits are positive indeed! In each aspect, first, we fall in love with them then start evaluating if we have to.  Nevertheless, most, among us never dare to evaluate their parents’ behavior- never ever. Everybody seems to love the parents whatever their personality types are. We are used to them as they are. We love to see them as they are. We are used to take whatever they cook and we love/prefer that food in that particular taste. We think that taste is great; however that taste is not great itself. We have just been accustomed to it since long.

The same is true with our kids. We love them so much that we could not find negativity in them. It is really a hard work to point out negative traits in our kids. Rather we unconsciously try to find positive personality traits among them. We love them so much that we try to prove our love is true and based on true facts. We are not ready to listen against our kids from someone else. We first love our kids then evaluate their personalities accordingly. In other words, we first make our mind for our kids that they are, loving, beautiful, sweet and innocent then try to figure out other traits. We would rarely believe that our kids are not, what we think they are. Though each of us thinks that he or she is very honest and true in evaluating their kids’ personalities but, in fact it is not the case. If it were true, then in this world, all children would carry positive traits. In short, we, being parents, fall in love with our kids and keep on proving our love for them unconsciously.

The same is true to all our first impressions, first-time beliefs, and first imprints on our brain for whatever we see, analyze or perceive. First we love or hate and then we start proving our feeling. First we make our mind, and then we start evaluating. First we make friends, then, we convince ourselves and others that they are of good nature and with great human traits. It is not the other way round. We unconsciously remain stick to our likeness/dislikeness and try to convince others that it is based on true evaluation. In fact, it is never proved scientifically.

You go to watch a movie where the cinema hall is fully booked. You see people talking about the same movie with different arguments, comments, and reflections. Some would like to criticize the story, some would describe characters (acting) more, some would appreciate background effect, some would talk about songs beauty, some would even discuss the scenes, some would love/hate the photography, some would be more interested in romantic stuff of that movie; and some would argue about the end or start of the story. So the thousand different minds would interpret the same item in thousand different ways. The movie would remain the same; however the perception of that movie would differ from mind to mind. Now in place of movie, you think you are there as a person. Can you imagine in how many ways, people would like to interpret your personality? You can well imagine that. Whom would you believe first? And what should you believe?

We usually believe the opinion of the person closer to us in blood relations then go for others. The closer the relationship is, the more likely we are going to believe him or her. Here again first we decide whom opinion matters to us, then, we listen to the opinion. It is not the other way round. We do not analyze the opinions of others about us in an objective manner. We listen what we want to listen. We see what we want to see. We are quite good at it. For example, a child needs reassurance for her actions, first from her parents, and then from her teachers and others. It is less likely that our parents are satisfied with our actions and we are looking forward to others for the approval. However, it might happen in rare circumstances (will discuss at another time).

Empathy is a good quality. It means to understand the other person’s feelings from within his frame of reference. However, it rarely happens. We usually help others in the matters we think they would need help while mirroring ourselves first. First we assume what we like or dislike and based on it, decide what others would like and dislike. In other words, we are empathetic only for those traits we are convinced to be empathetic for, not in all matters of life objectively. We value and realize others those ‘problems’ we consider ‘problems’ for ourselves. Our empathy is not for everyone; rather it is only for those whom we love/relate first. We do not feel empathetic for everyone standing outside anonymously. It is especially true when we judge our empathetic self for our rivals. We are no more empathetic for the people we dislike first! Though in rare cases, we can be quite selfless till the level of real empathy (a topic not to discuss here).

To conclude, we perceive, love, hate, or make some belief about someone we meet for the first time in life. Then we react, analyze, evaluate, and behave accordingly. Then we keep on proving our first impression unconsciously and secretly. In addition to that, it is too deep rooted to change the first conceptual image of the other person whether it is your mother, father, friend, or even your own self- image. We are simply not in the position of changing our first conceptual blueprints on our brains. Though, we can change its density in terms of valence, usability, and effectiveness. We can ignore it till the level we forget it; however, it is next to impossible to impartially evaluate it in its true sense. In short, we cannot examine our brains objectively while keeping our emotions along with/inside. We have to perceive first, see first, listen first, and then process the information. We have to realize, touch and feel first and then try to communicate/evaluate. Like a PC that downloads the software first and then start acting on it, we are bound to feel first and then think about!

Pure Relationship!

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The life is All about Choosing purity In everything. It might be flowers, fragrances, stones, food, Clean water, pure Cotton, leather, crystal, gold, pure glass, pure environment, or It might be any Pure Product and your pure Emotions. Emotions we all understand, could also be either pure or contaminated. We do them Consciously or unconsciously- when we exaggerate, put stress on something, hide something, or make others believe on something; we are not pure.We are not pure when we focus on something or ignore something for some cause. We have to be as simple and pure as possible.  If we aim at making Strong relationships, it is pertinent to reflect simplicity of emotions. Otherwise We will be getting What we are Reflecting.  If you have a lot of make up, you will see faces with same make up! If you are pure,will be able to communicate better, Understand better and go further into deep relationships…..  Children are the best examples for pure expressions, pure Emotions, natural expressions and feelings. They do not care what others think about their spontaneous actions and emotions; they express what they are; they behave as they feel like; they are less concerned about social media and more about their own preferences and choices. We might need to get a lesson from them if we are overly concious about the public.

It is pure relationship advice that never proves wrong!

The Richest Mother Of The World!

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“Yesterday was my birthday. I was not very happy on this incident as I have been living a poor life throughout my 40 years and never got what I wanted happily! My son for the first time recognized that it was his mother’s birthday. He wanted to celebrate it like we always celebrate his birthday! He wanted to buy balloons, cake of course, candle, card, gifts, and many more. He went to Tesco with me and chose a beautiful cake of his own choice after spending hours in decision making………. I said you can buy a toy of your own choice and leave the cake, if you wish. He thought for a while and then said, ‘NO – I want to celebrate your birthday today’. Then he looked forward to buy some gifts for me …..he thought he could buy all for his Mom! I said, ‘we have no money to buy such expensive gifts’. He seemed upset and annoyed. Then I told him that he could make a choice between this to this range of money and he was cheerful again. It seemed that he wanted to give me something beautiful – but of his own choice. He was so passionate for buying something for his Mom – something unique, lovely and beautiful that he never looked on the price mark. Actually he wanted to give me a surprise but due to his age, he could not purchase something independently. He felt quite helpless in making a choice of gift to me, in front of me. Anyhow, after having a long discussion about price and the product; we bought a cake and a gift together. The price of the gift was the lowest of all other things in the market. I felt as if I got all whatever was available to choose from, with no thirst at all; rather a fulfillment and peace. I felt I was the happiest mother of the world at that moment. My all desires went off and I was grateful to my son for his true and loving feelings (gifts) for me. That’s all”.  She was so excited in saying this all to me ………….

The above story is not a story of a poor woman and her poor son. It is a story of passion and love when you do not have a single penny in your pocket to express it. It is a story of human feelings that are above all other materialistic things, we wish to achieve. It is a story of a little angel who expressed his love and great passion on the time of his mother’s birthday – even though he knew that he had not a single penny in his pocket (or his mother cannot afford any expensive gift).  This story tells us that we need to convey our love and feelings to our beloved ones, even if we cannot afford to. We know materialistic things will never fulfill one’s quest for love and belongings; however we never express how much we want to spend (if we have resources) in order to express our true love and passion to others. Precisely, for people who want to cheat their partners through wrong excuses and details; only feelings will not work at all.

To conclude, if you love someone and cannot afford an expensive gift for her or him, just express those feelings in simple words. Your message will be conveyed and very much adored too if the other person is your true love (soul mate). However, not all people think alike. We need pure people to express pure feelings – we need little angels to express tranquility and gratitude.  In addition to that we need to help our children to make choices wisely and teach them how to react passionately and adorably.

Thanks

‘How We Live Together’ Defines Our Kids Personalities

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note: courtesy to Google Images

We, being parents, want to give our kids the best of all: education, health, success, happiness and whatever they desire. To gain the goals above, we adapt different strategies and techniques. Some hire classes of different kinds to keep their children fit: yoga, tennis, golf, swimming, gymnastic, foot ball, etc. Some focus on health and provide their kids the best of all kinds of food: apple, oranges, juices, vegetables, pure milk, eggs, honey, etc. Some would allow their kids to play all types of games and movies on their I Pads, tablets, mobile phones and laptops. Some would even go for the most expensive toys to please their kids and fill their brains with lots of happy moments as much as possible. Some would plan vacations for their kids amusement and pleasure-full of Disney land activities! There is no limit to that. Some would go to the library with their kids to make them the most intellectuals of the world- scientists or doctors. Though, these all options contribute towards the well fare of the kids overall healthy development; these are not enough!

We, being a real human being forget the emotional part of the environment. One part is with us in shape of hard materialistic life-style and other one is the emotional background that provide us with our identity about who we are and what we belong to. It is not sufficient to say that we belong to a middle class family or a very religious family or a modern one. The experiences we share on daily basis are more specific and accurate to define our identity. To simplify the situation we can think of the families in which:

  1. Parents respect each other and usually each partner puts the other one’s need ahead of the children needs. Mother is sharing economical burden too, so she is confident and happy inside. Fathers share house hold responsibilities too to maintain an healthy environment. When mother feels good, she reacts nicely towards kids sudden inquiries. Father can get some time everyday for his family and they together spend some quality time each day. So kids get the feeling of harmony, love and unity from their family background.
  2. Parents live together but do not respect each other in front of children. Father deals with wife as if she is a servant and often uses verbally abusive language to degrade her in different ways. Mother is scared of living alone (due to being a stay at tome house wife) so is forcibly living with her husband to keep the family life intact. Mother is quite passionate about her child as if she thinks her children would become her power some day to protect her from her husband. Children get scary feelings from such environment and are quite hesitant to initiate, to ask questions, and to behave appropriately in a social gathering. Their self-esteem is strongly damaged through such environmental experiences.
  3. Parents try to cheat each other in front of children. They take care of children to get the attention of the other partner. They are not involved in the upbringing of their kids wholeheartedly. Parents think that kids are like burden or responsibility so they have to raise them. Parents have their own goals and they keep them higher than other goals including their kids fresh demands/needs. In this environment kids would feel neglected and lonely and would seek for other resources to keep them entertained and happy. They would start thinking of leaving their parents home as early as they grow up due to having no intimate or friendly relationship with their parents.

Similarly, we can define thousand backgrounds that kids come from. These emotional backgrounds shape our kids personalities. Therefore it does not matter what we teach them:  honesty, bravery, or empathy.  What matters is where they come from. We set their environment and they react to it accordingly. Hope this will help someone to understand the kids behaviour and pave a way for someone to alter the way they are living TOGETHER!

Light Lifestyle!

Usually when we talk about the healthy lifestyle; the following comes to our mind:

  1. Eating healthy food in which fruits and vegetables are on the top of the list
  2. Doing exercise that will keep your body fit and active. For example, riding bicycle, walking, running, dancing, and other gym exercises.
  3. Healthy sleep patterns that will boost your energy daily.
  4. Drinking plenty of water to keep your body hydrated and fresh.
  5. The use of Alcohol should not be excessive.
  6. Avoid smoking, drinking unhealthy drinks, and eating unhealthy food.
  7. Avoid unhealthy habits: eating too fast, sacrifice sleep hours for work or any other thing, long watching T.V hours, and others.

One thing that is the most important ingredient in the recipe is the ‘feeling’ that we perceive while doing all of the above mentioned works. We, being human, feel differently all the time and our emotions affect our health strongly. In fact our emotions can play a significant role in bringing ourselves into a healthy lifestyle.

We not only need a healthy food to keep ourselves healthy; rather a cheerful mood to digest it fully in time. We not only need a good exercise plan to keep our bodies fit and strong rather we need a thriving spirit to continue with our plan with heart and soul. Then we can better concentrate and focus as well as keep our selves healthy and strong. Thus,we need a happy mood, elevated emotion, and a warm smile to continue with our busy lifestyle.

When we talk about sleep; we think it is a physical thing to be performed daily on time. Whereas we need a sound, relaxing, deep sleep to make us refreshed and full of energy as compared to long hours sleep that make us dull, lethargic or weak. It means our sleep combined with our fully relaxed mind would bring us lots of benefits of health and healthy lifestyle. The same is true with other healthy habits that we need to adopt. In reality we need to adopt a new healthy lifestyle with great passion, love, peace and feelings. With emotional energy, we can enrich our healthy lifestyle with glow, spirits, and beauties of peace, harmony and satisfaction.

Finally, to add a thriving feature of feeling into your life style; you must have to take the life easy, simple and subtle instead of taking it as a hard, difficult and complex one. It does not mean you should not focus, concentrate or aim at any big object, goal or purpose; rather it means do great things with calm and peace of mind. Be happy, healthy and then do hard work to achieve what you want in life. Be cheerful and pleasant, then take a step towards a healthy lifestyle. Without being emotionally fit, you are not ready to pick the fruits of health even from your set healthy lifestyle routine. Take the life events light, enjoy the little things in life, have fun often, smile for no reason and take long breathes after that, to keep your self healthy!

In how many ways you can Hurt others?

For the people who just don’t know how to behave badly; for the people who cannot think of taking revenge from their enemies; for the people who are not so much daring to declare their attitude in front of others; for the people who are not capable of saving their selves from their fellows; and for the people who want to give lessons to their rivals but just cannot!

It is hard for good people to become bad; it is also hard for them to behave rudely with anyone (friend or enemy). Such personalities just do not know how to do that wrong thing. They are not capable of doing bad or wrong things. They feel hurt inside and take revenge from their enemies in dreams. They are not brave enough or they are too shy to show their attitude. But they are disturbed inside and that disturbance becomes their constant stress.

So if you are one of those people; pl note the following things and try one of them to see the results. Hope you will get some relief out of even reading such tips:

  1. Do not make eye contact with your enemy; it will hurt them severely.
  2. Never start the conversation from your side. Wait until they start speaking. Wait and wait. It will hurt them a lot.
  3. Keep/look yourself busy; especially when you are sitting with your enemies. You can use mobile net or tablet for keeping yourself busy.
  4. Keep your appearance a tidy one. Your grace will kill them!
  5. Keep smiling and think about your friends when you are in your rival’s company. You can talk with your friends on phone at that particular moment to get some confidence.
  6. If you are a mother or father of a child; then engage with your child actively at the time your enemy is around.
  7. Simply leave the place for any good excuse and get rid of the situation you do not like at all.
  8. It is usually better not to invite them in your house or not to go to their home as well. Instead arrange a party in some other place to meat each other ( if it is very necessary).
  9. They are like barking dogs; you cannot stop them but can avoid them by silently passing by them.
  10. Such relationships are like wealth found in the commode that you neither can pick up nor can ignore. You have to look at and leave it there as it is! You do not even need to bother about them! Or they are like shit (in the form of persons) found in your toilet that need to be flushed (from your memory). In any case you have to deal with it – there is no other way out.

The severe mistakes you need to avoid in such cases are:

  1. You being their friends, try to pretend good
  2. When you over react and smile and maintain eye contact!
  3. When you invite them to your home or go to visit them for humanity sake!
  4. When you expect them to be as good as you!
  5. When you hope they will change and become nice to you!
  6. When you spend time, money and energy on them!
  7. When you become overly nice in front of them!
  8. When you start doing things for them!
  9. When you ignore their mistakes and think they will never happen again!

So please avoid the mistakes mentioned above- usually people do in maintaining close relationships. Decide once what you want to do and then act wisely. It is better to perceive the situation earlier than keeping regret for the whole life! Exceptions are always there so be wise and vigilant for the actions you are supposed to take in any particularly worse situation!

How can you improve your chances of being abused in an intimate relationship:

We all are victim of abuse in one way or the other in our life from someone at some particular point. Though we don’t fully understand the abusers in our society and could not recognize them at first glance; yet we could feel a little discomfort in their presence. We, in one way or the other, feel compelled to do something, guilt, being overly criticized, ignored or controlled or pressurized in our heart while confronting/obeying someone’s commands. This is known as abuse- more specifically emotional abuse. It is, in most cases, the abuser’s responsibility to have a check on his/her attitude and modify his/her behavior accordingly; yet it is also the abused one’s personal obligation towards his/her self to respond appropriately while being abused.

How can you trigger the abuse in your life – here are some examples that would suggest new angles to see the situation and make you alert in advance:

 The abuse would multiply if –

 You look too simple to deal with. When people think you are too good, too simple, and too polite; they will feel no threat in abusing you as much as they like.

  1. You ask with silly gestures and childish attitude- you are welcoming the unnecessary comments and the possible abuse from the black sheep.
  2. You are fulfilling the demands of the other person unnaturally; in this way you convey the message that you are the most obedient servant of him/her.
  3. You cannot say ‘no’ to someone who is crossing limits in dealing with you.
  4. You convey by your attitude that you never feel being degraded or humiliated or in other words, you welcome the abuse in your life.
  5. You keep silent on matters you should speak up or at least speak to someone to help you out.
  6. You remind others through your reactions that you have no self respect, self esteem and dignity to preserve so they can cross limits whenever they feel like.
  7. You never keep others in limits or you have no ethical limits to follow for yourself. You are not a man of principles.

 You ignore the abuse  in the first place, then it grows, and grows till the point, it is out of reach. So you should be very careful in dealing with an abusive relationship when it starts.

These are the simple guidelines to prevent abuse or abusive relationships in your life forever. When one is simply ignorant of the causes of the disease; he/she would never be able to carry out the precautions in advance. Thus, you are now aware of the disease ‘abuse’ and can put some checks on it in future. It will save you from many psychological and emotional disorders like depression, anxiety, guilt, hypertension, stress, sleeplessness, and ultimately suicidal and destructive tendencies. The most important is that you would be living an ‘abuse free’ life – a happy life.

Thanks