Parental Psychology

If You Are Perceived Wrongly- It Might Be Your Fault!

Let me introduce you some examples first to get to know the real subject later on.

‘ Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a caring parent.

‘Stop! Stop! What is wrong with you’, said a loving child to her parent.

What do you think about the both statements- are the same in nature? No. Certainly No. When a parent says ‘stop’, it is due to his caring nature being a parent; whereas when a child is saying the same thing, it might be due to imitation, ignorance, or might be due to some distress in mind. In any case, both expressions are not conveying the same meanings while having the same alphabetic language.

 ‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a caring parent.

‘ Take care, and stay safe’, said a loving child to her parent.

It is again the same thing. The parent is caring and involved in safety issues with the child and the child is assuming as if she is a grown-up, so pretending to become a caring parent.

‘ Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving husband.

‘Why are you not listening to me carefully?’, said a loving wife.

 Here again husband is a bit aggressive and hyper in mood while arguing with his wife whereas wife is complaining against her husband’s indifferent and neglectful attitude.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employer to his employee.

‘ I am happy with your performance today’, said an employee to his employer.

 In this example, an employer is happy with his employee’s performance and employer is misbehaving with his boss in a rude manner.

 In the light of the above examples, one can easily conclude that language varies widely between relationships and would never convey the same meanings for each party involved. Even in friendships, partners speak relative to each others social and emotional status.

 Children being junior members of your family might exaggerate your angry feelings and would name it a kind of threat to their happiness and safety. They do need a different level of anger from that you use in your office at least!

 For couples, husbands are by default at the top position, so they must show over caring attitude and nice gestures for being more responsible and energetic as a man. For a wife might name a husband’s little angry mood a kind of emotional abuse, being more tender and subtle human by nature.

 Likewise, every relationship demands different language to speak with. We cannot rule over all people with the same hammer. When we go into the details of the healthy relationships, it is very important to understand that love speaks many languages and that too differs from person to person. We have to consider many other factors indeed in deciding about our way of communication: age, sex, culture, education level, background, personality type, I.Q, E.Q, physical health and the most important is the other person’s status in the relationship with you.

Conclusively, It means while speaking with someone junior to you (in age, position, or status) more respect than you usually give to others, is needed so that he/she should not feel degraded or humiliated due to your slip of the tongue only. It implies on your children, wives, and servants or anybody junior to you in general. Especially when you are in a bad mood, try to show less aggressive attitude as much as possible (lesser than what you usually show to your friends) so that the people who are dependent on you should not feel dejected or neglected due to your sudden rude behavior.

Thanks

Why Don’t We Always Do Good And Have Good In Return?

Have you ever noticed that your mother behaves differently from what you expect from her?

Have you ever felt that your father is not as encouraging as you expect him to be?

Have you ever thought that your partner is not behaving as nicely as he/she should?

Have you ever had a feeling that your children are not as much caring as you want them to be?

Have you ever observed the attitude of your partner being totally strange for you?

There are many moments in your life, when you simply could not clue for the opposite behavior of your friend or acquaintance. You remain speechless and surprised to know that your friend is totally different from what you are expecting from him/her.

Although there could be several reasons for others indifferent behavior to us; yet one of those reasons is our misjudgment and misperception of our relationship on both ends. Whether we are not according to our friend or our friend is not doing as per our wish; both are configuring the relationship puzzle in totally a wrong way.

Relationships are never equal in nature. Your father is your father and he will behave as a father due to his nature of the relationship whereas you are the son who being a son could not behave like a father! Being a daughter, you always remain a daughter and could never behave like your mother. Mother on the other hand remains mother and could never behave like a daughter. Same goes for every kind of relationship. We can become parents and friends with our children, but we cannot leave our parenthood to become friends only with our children.

Children expect the quality of love and care from parents; parent would never expect the same nature of love and care from their kids! For example, for kids, to ask for water and food is a gesture of their understanding, that they still are dependent on their parents, whereas their parents asking water or food will convey the message that they love to see their children being independent and caring. Parents show their affection through various ways of care, whereas children show their love through their childish demands and funny ways.

In couples, similarly, wives show their love through cooking, cleaning, and dressing up for their husbands, and husbands show their love through buying food, luxuries, and gifts for their wives. Thus the both partners hold different manners for their expression of love. So much so, both have different physical attraction points to convey the same message- love.

Therefore, to expect from someone the same nature, the same attitude, the same feelings as we hold for them or in return for our deeds, is a big mistake. We are never same in any of the worldly relationships; rather we are parallel and comparable in some of these. When we do something good for someone in our own specific way; we should not expect the same from him/her. He/she might behave differently on the same task; but could show his/her affection on some other task in his/her particular manner. Therefore, to expect the same thing from someone is never achieved in relationship studies. We are being compensated and rewarded differently in a different manner in return for our love, care and affection. Sometimes, we are not rewarded at all; due to the same reason in fact. This happens due to our multi dimensional brain and its capacity to be flexible and rigid in several areas of our choice and leaving others unattended and ignored consciously or unconsciously.

Say Sorry To Your Kids!

Parents are always interested in the well being of their children and sacrifice is their second nature. Parents usually collect all their wisdom and comfort their children first and then think about their own needs. We, no doubt, are very much aware of our parent’s intentions, well wishes, and great love for us.

 However, there is no perfect parent in this world. One can try to become perfect; but it is simply not possible to do all what is required in the most professional mechanical way at the exact time. So we are prone to do mistakes while having a great pressure of good parenting style. What do you do when you acknowledge your mistake? Let me give you some examples to understand the concept:

  • Suppose you could not get what your child is saying and shuts her up abruptly
  • Suppose you mistakenly taught wrong meaning to your child
  • Suppose you are upset due to some reason and snubs your child rudely
  • Suppose you could not make some food for your child due to your leisure or lazy attitude
  • Suppose you know you could comfort your child, but you did not act like that due to some enmity for your husband
  • Suppose you are neglecting your child due to your abusive relationship with your partner
  • Suppose you are ill-treating your child due to your anxiety in job

There could be several reasons for your rude behavior with your children that would create a guilt for you. You know you have done something wrong with your children and no body is witness to that. You, in your heart, feel guilt and shame! You feel regret and sorry for that. How would you treat yourself positively and replace your feelings with new energy of love?

Certainly it is very important for you to get rid of such feelings but how?

There is not much work for you to do in this regard. You may say SORRY  to your child and explain to her why you were rude or indifferent according to her age level. Even if the child is two years old, she will listen to you carefully and respond empathetically. This is most important for both of you to resolve the issue as early as possible; otherwise the gap of misunderstanding would become too huge to settle down.

Rukhsati: A Tragedy Of The Women Of Pakistan

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source : retrieved from Google images. Just search ‘rukhsati’ on google, or on you tube; you will get it all what it means to Parents of Pakistan.

Parents who are symbol of love, care, blessing and happiness for the children are sometimes perceived as strangers, caretakers, and home owners. Parents who should give unconditional love to their children, in some parts of the world, extend their love to their children if they belong to a specific gender-male. For girls, their love is temporary, conditional and very much hypocritical. In almost each and every part of Pakistan:

  1. Daughters are taken as guests in the parent’s home until they are married.
  2. Girls are supposed to leave their parental home forever on wedding day (a tradition called Rukhsati)
  3. Sons are expected to live with their parents and take care of them.
  4. Daughters are expected not to visit their parents often after marriage
  5. Son is usually discouraged to see his in-laws often
  6. Daughters are supposed to do house chores and obey their husbands /in-laws
  7. Most parents think it is a matter of their great honor ( in the most negative way) or they will kill their daughters if:
    • Their daughter gets a divorce and come back due to any reason
    • Their daughter is raped or abused
    • Their daughter comes back due to facing brutality and cruelty of in-laws
    • Their daughter comes back due to having husbands rude, unfair and constantly demanding attitude
    • Their daughter is simply not ready to get married
    • Their daughter is having an affair  or on date
    • their daughter wants to live independently and alone
    • their daughter wants to live with her parents forever

In short, parents that are the only hope of children in this cruel world to welcome them, comfort them and console them in time of need and grief; in Pakistan girls are very much deprived of that ever lasting shadow of pure and powerful loving background. Girls, to some extent, receive their share of love and care from almost all kinds of parents; however that love is not enough to provide them with the energy to fight for their rights and live happily ever after. In life love is not the solution of every practical problem; rather we need to enforce some laws, rules, regulations to administer the social evils wisely. The traditions that cause discrimination, feelings of helplessness and flourish injustice, abuse and cruelty/atrocity among society members at a large scale, must be banned. We are not born to follow traditions blindly; rather traditions are established to comfort and facilitate us in a better way. Hope,  people and especially parents would think twice before saying their girls a guest in their homes.

How Do You Introduce Your Toddlers To Your Friends And Relatives

How parents introduce their children to others impact on their personalities strongly. There are many examples that may clarify the concept better. Let us consider:

A parent is introducing his/her child to his/her relative/friend and says with a smiling face-

  1. She is too aggressive. Please be careful…she could harm you through her sharp nails. (the child is only 2 years old).
  2. My son is too shy. You can see he is not behaving properly in front of you.
  3. My son is too hyper. Please do not stop him from doing anything. He will create a scene.
  4. My son too submissive. He cannot say ‘no’ to his rivals.
  5. My son is extremely scared of strangers. He will scream if I leave him for now.
  6. She is too rash, could bite and hit blindly. So be careful guys.
  7. She is very social being, would like to show you her room and toys.
  8. She is very fond of books.
  9. He likes to destroy things all the time. Very destructive mindset, he has.

And all the relevant similar comments that parents pass on to others make a deep impression on their parent’s children who are passively listening the talk between you and the significant others.  Therefore, it is highly recommended to strengthen those traits of personality in your statements that you really want to observe in your off springs later on. Otherwise, your mentioned traits would reinforce the same quality among them and they would love to adopt them as a part of their personality.

Helping The Poor Girls In Pakistan

A boy is a symbol of  power, authority, success, luck, wealth and a stream of fortune forever. Being a boy means, having a home on a permanent basis, having safety forever, peace of mind with respect to parents love and care, having a continuous and unconditional love of parents and relatives, feeling high all the time only due to your gender identity. Though a boy needs to get educated, yet he needs nothing else. He needs to get educated and lead his life as per his own choice. He has to earn money and status for him and his family’s well being. But he is all in all in deciding many domestic matters. He is free in his movements- not afraid of being raped on the way going home. He is getting priority in all the matters, from attending  a luxurious dinner to attending a trip outside city. Boys are very much social in nature as compared to girls as they are more encouraged and appreciated in adapting that attitude. Boys are brave as per our culture. Boys never weep according to our cultural education. Boys should be respected, honored and valued more due to their gender as compared to girls. Boys should keep the money in their hands as they are responsible for their sisters (or female member’s) needs. Boys are free to living alone, whereas girls are not simply allowed to do that.

Girls feel, in such a society, that they cannot express themselves fully being a girl. They bear restrictions on their dressing, social life, education, liberty and freedom tremendously since the day of their birth. They are not well come, being a girl at home, in a family, and in the society. Their position is weak being a girl at home, as they are thought a burden upon parents. They are taken as symbols of honor that can be damaged through any sexual activity. They are not allowed to go out for a walk alone, as their safety is compromised. They are pushed to stay at home as their presence at home is considered  a safety precaution. Their primary responsibility is towards their family – taking care of others (usually males) through household affairs and making sacrifices for them. Girls are never free to choose their life partner of their own choice. Rarely parents accept it, if the partner chosen by their daughter is from high class and worth marrying.  Things are very complicated for girls. It seems, all are their well wishers, but in reality, all are only protecting them from the unseen and unrealistic dangers. That over protecting attitude generates feelings of low self esteem and worthlessness among girls. They live their lives under constant pressure of society, family, and the culture overall.

The dilemma never ends. When a girl is married, her all decisions are carried out by her husband – usually husband is the only earning hand. Girls, even after being mothers, are not thought as an influencer and decision maker. They have to live according to the rules of their husband and his family. There is no rocket science that you cannot understand. There is simply the abuse: emotional, verbal, social, and physical. A girl cannot decide how many children she wants. She cannot decide what career she wants to pursue. She cannot decide what is her planning of the future in terms of spending money on her needs. In most families, girls even cannot decide what food they wish to eat. For sports, girls are never encouraged to participate in. They are thought as the weakest part of the society –  a misfortune bestowed upon the people.

I salute them for living in such a society and smiling all day. I can see western girls being more independent, free, happy, energetic, powerful, influencing, authentic, intelligent and inspiring in overall all fields of life – as compared to Pakistani ones. My humble advice for our generation of girls is that to take charge of their lives, their happiness and their decisions. Do not rely upon anyone, especially when it comes to your life, your need and your pleasure. Seek your way to find your destiny, your identity and your future and be persistent in seeking that throughout your life. This is your war: fight or flight-It is up to you. But if you fight, there are ample chances that you will win; otherwise chances are that you will be caught and could not rise again.

Thanks

The Best Medicine For Stressed Parents  

 

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In todays modern lifestyle, everyone is stressed up, tired and bore,  especially the parents. In most of the parts of the world, parents are usually engaged in earnings and greatly tired when back home. Even if one of the parents is not working hand, he or she must be doing house chores and at the end of the day would feel strained, pains, and aches with dull and strange mood. Each one of us is suffering from some kind of anxieties so they will further boost the stress and play their role in feeling less energetic and rude to some extent. Usually parents are irritating and annoyed on trivial matters of children. They feel like to take a long, deep sleep when their children want their time!

Not all of you have the same situation so I will focus on the group who is especially stressful and full of anxiety and depression at the moment. However, it is becoming very common routine of parents nowadays to become more critical and less sharing with their kids. My observation is not different in this regard. I have seen many who just want to get rid of their day to day routine and want an escape. They are simply not ready to accept the reality of their situation that they are Parents now and no more kids!

What parents do when they feel low? Usually they take medicines, go for the therapies, and try several tips to return to their old track. They go for swimming, for example, go for a walk, go to the gym, go to yoga, listen soft and soothing music, change their eating habits, and do whatever their source suggests them to do to live a stress free life. The point is that all of such tactics are not wrong if they do not  forget one thing all together.

They forget that nature can never ever do something wrong with them. They, being a parent, are not blessed with only duties, responsibilities and anxieties. Nature’s blessings are  equal to everyone. It makes no sense that what a wealthy man can afford to relax, a poor cannot. This is especially not true with the parental stress. Nature cannot be biased in bestowing her blessings to its creation. There must be something wrong with us. We must have forgotten something very important and unique; so we are suffering.

That, something very important is, that the best medicine is the sharing your love with someone: your parents, siblings, your children or your friends. When you love someone, you are in cool mood, stress free and fresh. When you become parents you become more responsible and mature. This does not mean you cannot play with your kids. You need to understand that playing with your kids is not only your kids wish and need; it is basically your physical and innate need. Moreover, playing with your kid will reduce your stress hormones, give you more happiness, increase your oxygen level, boost your energy, improve your vision and memory and leave you with a refreshed and sexy human being. If you are suffering from high blood pressure, diabetes and any kind of psychological disorder, your time spent with your kids will help you to recover fast.

Here, it is important to note that playing with your kids should not be taken as going with your kids to the playground or playing areas. You should spare some time to play with your children every day in which you play a role just like your kid. You may pretend that, but it is the most important part of the game. Even if your kids play with their siblings, cousins, or friends, your role will never be compensated. Thus to become a loving and caring parent, you need to engage yourself with your kids as much as possible. It will not only help your kids to become a good human being rather get you away from present or upcoming diseases, sufferings, anxieties, and stresses.

If you have another point to raise in this regard, please do not mind commenting on it. I would love to reply you in my humble capacity.

Thanks

To The Mothers Of The Aggressive Children

 

Being a Muslim and a good human being we always give respect and favor to our mothers for their love, belongingness, care and sacrifice. Mothers are no doubt embracing the medal of nourishment and development of their kids. They are fully responsible for their kids moral and ethical education. Especially in the society of Pakistan, mothers’ role cannot be ignored as they have only one obligation to raise children and to do house chores (they are not forced to work outside).

With extreme apology, I must say that where mothers are appreciated for their brave, intelligent, successful children, they must be blamed for their cruel, hyperactive and aggressive off springs. When we say, mothers lap is the first place to learn, we must not forget the people who commit crimes, kill other innocent citizens and rape their sisters. Why not their mothers take charge of their deeds? Why not their mothers are liable for their sick personalities and ill behavioral aspects?

It is very important to understand what I want to say in this regard. No doubt, mothers are always loving, caring and nurturing by nature. No doubt mother must be respected everywhere. No doubt, mothers cannot stop crime and cruelty among society members. We cannot deny the mother’s  contribution to her children, whether she is educated or not. But at the same time, we cannot ignore mothers too when we talk about suicide bombers, honor killers, rapists, and terrorists.

Should we not educate mothers to teach their children about love, humanity, friendship, caring, sympathy, helping, generosity and gratitude. Should we not take measures to educate mothers before educating criminals, killers and suicide bomb blasters. Should not we deal with the root cause intelligently and wisely? Should not we take the mothers’ role seriously in eradicating the insecurity from the society? Should not we call mothers help to decide about our future’s peace and harmony in the most realistic manner? Only in this way, in my opinion the root cause of the unrest can be tackled with success.

Mothers can play a big role in maintaining a peace in the region. Mothers can stop the war of terrorism forever. Only mothers can perform such a duty in this critical time and help all of us miraculously. Only mothers can take the charge of bringing a change in society through their unconditional love towards their children and a firm attitude towards the negation of terrorist activities. Only mothers need to be awakened and get their children back on track!

 

Indirect Effect Of Mothers Gestures On Their Children

Parents do have a strong effect on their children’s personalities. Usually their attitude towards their kids and towards others is very important. Most of parental concerns are about kids education, leisure, social life and behavior in general, in terms of how they are getting along with all of this stuff. They rarely think about their selves, their beliefs, their values, and their behavioral aspects that may cause their kids behaving in a certain manner. Especially mothers (because usually they are primary caretaker) conscious or unconscious attitude towards their kids and others, has a great effect on their kids’ personalities. Assume one child is behaving rudely with other kids and the mother of aggressive child is watching that while attending a call from a friend she loves to talk. There could be several expressions in this regard:

The mother continues with no expression
The mother yells at her child and says firmly,’No’.
The mother continues her talk and mentions about the kids in a plain tone.
The mother says to her friend that she could not control her son’s rude behavior with others.
The mother tells her friend that her aggressive son is sometimes too much hyperactive, just like his father- she smiles while saying that.
The mother continues the talk and change her place to avoid the situation.
The mother says the other children not to speak with the rude one anymore.
The mother ends the call and asks the children what happened and then tries to calm down the rude one through polite arguments.
The mother yells at all the children for disturbing her a lot.
The mother takes the rude one with her and isolates him for a while.
The mother gives the rude one a piece of chocolate so that he would behave better.
The mother tells the other kids to follow the rude behavior as it is a symbol of bravery and power.
The mother tells the other children to hide themselves unless the rude one calms down.
The mother tells the lady that she is going to kill the rude one, but in reality she is not doing anything.
The mother tells the lady that she is quite helpless in controlling the kids sometimes.
The mother warns the kid about the father’s arrival soon.
The mother tells the rude one that she is not going to favor him anymore.
The mother tells the rude one that she will call a police.

And there could be several other expressions to solve the situation ahead.
Thus, in most of the cases, parents’ own attitude is directly related to their kids emotions and behaviors. Especially the mother’s own personality and her attitude in many matters play a significant role in the cognitive and behavioral development of their kids.
Thanks

 

 

 

 

How Can We Save Our Children From Being Aggressive?   

Aggression in children is not very common in cold countries as compared to warm places. There are many factors that contribute to the child’s aggressive behavior: weather, noise pollution, family structure, food, and parents parenting style. The most important one is ‘parents’ parenting style’.
One should know what to do when his/her child is in an aggressive mood otherwise things will become more complex and alarming in the future. Here are some common mistakes that parents do and contribute a lot towards the aggression of their children deliberately or unconsciously:
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